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Matt42
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8 hours ago, efcfanwirral said:

Hold your loved ones close people- lost my amazing Mum today rather unexpectedly. Tell them you love them and don't sweat the small stuff. (We never argued and I have loads of amazing memories - will be living the rest of my life to make her proud) 

My sincere condolences efcfanwirral.

In addition to that, thanks for your post as it has helped me to galvanise the direction that I should now take with my own mom. It would be fair to say that I've been in a Mexican stand off with my parents, and haven't physically seen them since before lockdown started back in March. I've hardly spoken to them on the phone either. By a strange quirk of fate both my parents are now in hospital, for varying reasons. I decided to call my mom on her ward a few days ago now, and when I was put through to her I 'knew' that the mom as I knew her had gone. She's not just confused or has memory loss, she's obviously suffering from dementia. I'm not allowed into the hospital to see her in person, but desperately want to see her in person, in one of her more cognitive phases, and thank her for my life, for all that she did for me and my brothers, and finally to tell her that I love her, which would be the first time doing so.

My dad on the other hand is another dilemma. He's physically 'on the way out', and probably hasn't got long left. In addition, he has only ever bullied me throughout my life. I'm finding it very hard to forgive him for that, and so have an issue with telling him that I love him. It'll sound harsh, but there really is an element within me that wonders if I actually do love him. So, I can't just say 'I love you' to him when he gets out of hospital, which is soon. And if I don't say that to him now, while I have the chance, will I forever be wracked withy guilt for not saying so if he dies without me telling him those three words? I do want 'peace' with him, but know that that can only be achieved if I weigh down on the side that I do love him. That is very much easier said than done.

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10 minutes ago, Yoghurt on a Stick said:

My sincere condolences efcfanwirral.

In addition to that, thanks for your post as it has helped me to galvanise the direction that I should now take with my own mom. It would be fair to say that I've been in a Mexican stand off with my parents, and haven't physically seen them since before lockdown started back in March. I've hardly spoken to them on the phone either. By a strange quirk of fate both my parents are now in hospital, for varying reasons. I decided to call my mom on her ward a few days ago now, and when I was put through to her I 'knew' that the mom as I knew her had gone. She's not just confused or has memory loss, she's obviously suffering from dementia. I'm not allowed into the hospital to see her in person, but desperately want to see her in person, in one of her more cognitive phases, and thank her for my life, for all that she did for me and my brothers, and finally to tell her that I love her, which would be the first time doing so.

My dad on the other hand is another dilemma. He's physically 'on the way out', and probably hasn't got long left. In addition, he has only ever bullied me throughout my life. I'm finding it very hard to forgive him for that, and so have an issue with telling him that I love him. It'll sound harsh, but there really is an element within me that wonders if I actually do love him. So, I can't just say 'I love you' to him when he gets out of hospital, which is soon. And if I don't say that to him now, while I have the chance, will I forever be wracked withy guilt for not saying so if he dies without me telling him those three words? I do want 'peace' with him, but know that that can only be achieved if I weigh down on the side that I do love him. That is very much easier said than done.

I dont really have any helpful words, but whatever you decide to do im sure it will be the thing thats right for you. Hope you're ok x

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27 minutes ago, Wellyboot said:

I dont really have any helpful words, but whatever you decide to do im sure it will be the thing thats right for you. Hope you're ok x

Thanks Wellyboot. 

However, I don't want to confine a solution to what's right for me. I also need to take into account the fact that my brothers may be affected by any decision that I make. I don't actually know where I lie in terms of actually talking to my dad ie. about anything, let alone love and life. I'm going to go and visit him at his house when he gets out of hospital, and take it from there. He too may realise that this is the 'Last Chance Saloon' and be amenable to talking. However, he might just 'kick off' in his usual fashion. I mean, there's even a chance that he'll not even allow me to visit, but I think that's got low odds.

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2 minutes ago, Yoghurt on a Stick said:

Thanks Wellyboot. 

However, I don't want to confine a solution to what's right for me. I also need to take into account the fact that my brothers may be affected by any decision that I make. I don't actually know where I lie in terms of actually talking to my dad ie. about anything, let alone love and life. I'm going to go and visit him at his house when he gets out of hospital, and take it from there. He too may realise that this is the 'Last Chance Saloon' and be amenable to talking. However, he might just 'kick off' in his usual fashion. I mean, there's even a chance that he'll not even allow me to visit, but I think that's got low odds.

Whichever way it turns out tho, at least if you've made the effort to go thats a good thing i think. Hope it all works out for you :) i dont really have anything thats helpful but as long as you're ok and looking after yourself 

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56 minutes ago, Yoghurt on a Stick said:

Thanks Wellyboot. 

However, I don't want to confine a solution to what's right for me. I also need to take into account the fact that my brothers may be affected by any decision that I make. I don't actually know where I lie in terms of actually talking to my dad ie. about anything, let alone love and life. I'm going to go and visit him at his house when he gets out of hospital, and take it from there. He too may realise that this is the 'Last Chance Saloon' and be amenable to talking. However, he might just 'kick off' in his usual fashion. I mean, there's even a chance that he'll not even allow me to visit, but I think that's got low odds.

That's a bit of a conundrum and no mistake.  Hope you find the most constructive way through it, that's a lot of balls to be juggling

 

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Well the last couple of days took an unexpected turn. I woke up yesterday morning wondering what to do with my Sunday. 3 hours later I'm speeding down to Bristol in the back of an ambulance after suffering a heart attack!

Fair play to the NHS - from the paramedics to the surgeons to the nurses & everyone inbetween, they have been incredible!

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29 minutes ago, Punksnotdead said:

Well the last couple of days took an unexpected turn. I woke up yesterday morning wondering what to do with my Sunday. 3 hours later I'm speeding down to Bristol in the back of an ambulance after suffering a heart attack!

Fair play to the NHS - from the paramedics to the surgeons to the nurses & everyone inbetween, they have been incredible!

So sorry to hear that, hope you have a speedy recovery, just do what the docs tell you what to do and you will be back on the farm. 

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1 hour ago, Punksnotdead said:

Well the last couple of days took an unexpected turn. I woke up yesterday morning wondering what to do with my Sunday. 3 hours later I'm speeding down to Bristol in the back of an ambulance after suffering a heart attack!

Fair play to the NHS - from the paramedics to the surgeons to the nurses & everyone inbetween, they have been incredible!

Blimey, is there a follow up procedure, or just taking care of yourself. 

Hope you feel better

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11 minutes ago, fred quimby said:

Blimey, is there a follow up procedure, or just taking care of yourself. 

Hope you feel better

I'm still in hospital. Had a stent fitted due to a blocked artery. Gonna have another stent fitted for a partially blocked artery in the next couple of days. Then hopefully home.

I feel remarkably well considering I had a heart attack less than 36 hours ago!

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On 9/23/2020 at 6:16 PM, Yoghurt on a Stick said:

My sincere condolences efcfanwirral.

In addition to that, thanks for your post as it has helped me to galvanise the direction that I should now take with my own mom. It would be fair to say that I've been in a Mexican stand off with my parents, and haven't physically seen them since before lockdown started back in March. I've hardly spoken to them on the phone either. By a strange quirk of fate both my parents are now in hospital, for varying reasons. I decided to call my mom on her ward a few days ago now, and when I was put through to her I 'knew' that the mom as I knew her had gone. She's not just confused or has memory loss, she's obviously suffering from dementia. I'm not allowed into the hospital to see her in person, but desperately want to see her in person, in one of her more cognitive phases, and thank her for my life, for all that she did for me and my brothers, and finally to tell her that I love her, which would be the first time doing so.

My dad on the other hand is another dilemma. He's physically 'on the way out', and probably hasn't got long left. In addition, he has only ever bullied me throughout my life. I'm finding it very hard to forgive him for that, and so have an issue with telling him that I love him. It'll sound harsh, but there really is an element within me that wonders if I actually do love him. So, I can't just say 'I love you' to him when he gets out of hospital, which is soon. And if I don't say that to him now, while I have the chance, will I forever be wracked withy guilt for not saying so if he dies without me telling him those three words? I do want 'peace' with him, but know that that can only be achieved if I weigh down on the side that I do love him. That is very much easier said than done.

Feeling for you, Yoghurt.

Like others, I don't really have any great words of help. I would just gently encourage you not to feel too personally regretful of how your relationship with your parents has been until this point. It won't have been without reason, and the burden is not yours to suffer exclusively, however sad it is now.

Expressing love verbally can be an extricating experience, but it doesn't magically whisk away the suffering you've been through, and nor should it. That has a right to exist as a part of your journey.

I'd argue that whether you get to say it directly is exaggerated in terms of impact. Depending on what you believe happens when people die, if life simply ends, the impact of your words in final moments has minimal effect to the departing. What's crucial is the place you've reached in your heart - the destination you've arrived at and the demons you can exorcise as a result.

So if you don't manage to say it, can't bring yourself to express it, or feel like you're forcing it, don't let that weigh you down. Allow yourself to step into this area of love and forgiveness gently, naturally. If you're able to share it, so much the better. But the important thing is that it's authentic and you can feel its truth. This is about you, ultimately. Whether sitting by a bed in a hospital room or sitting by yourself on your couch, by a lake, or in a pub, it's still valid.

Sorry, went on a bit there and apologies if any of that was insensitive.

Edited by kalifire
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Small shoots of hope in Melbourne. The curfew was removed today, so we can all go out at whatever time we like, shops can open later, etc.

That said, we still can't be out of the house for more than 2 hours at a time, within 5km of home and masks to be worn everywhere at all times. All retail and hospitality is still shut.

To put that in context, yesterday we reported 5 new cases in the state of Victoria. That's it. Five.

It was my birthday yesterday and to be honest, it was shit. The first birthday as a single man in six years, forced to be by myself in lockdown. I wouldn't have been much company anyway.

Christmas in the UK is cancelled and I'm anxious about Glasto 2021.

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47 minutes ago, kalifire said:

 

Christmas in the UK is cancelled and I'm anxious about Glasto 2021.

It's looking very unlikely now with this talk of no sporting events etc for the next 6 months.  That would take us to April which is about the time the site starts to get ready, I'm sure a decision on the festival has got to be made before then and I'm fearing the worst.

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3 minutes ago, Padgey said:

It's looking very unlikely now with this talk of no sporting events etc for the next 6 months. 

It makes me so angry that the UK government are choosing not to tackle the virus in any meaningful way. Six months of half measures will achieve zero. If that's the plan, presumably trying to limit damage until a vaccine rather than tackle things meaningfully, Glasto 2021 will definitely not be happening.

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3 minutes ago, kalifire said:

It makes me so angry that the UK government are choosing not to tackle the virus in any meaningful way. Six months of half measures will achieve zero. If that's the plan, presumably trying to limit damage until a vaccine rather than tackle things meaningfully, Glasto 2021 will definitely not be happening.

That's the frustrating thing, in July new cases were between 500-800, deaths had started hitting single figures, but then they start opening everything back up and the numbers start to rise, surely another few weeks would've gone a long way to getting rid of it.

I firmly believe now we are going to go through the same process of these spikes for the next 12 months with the main aim of just making sure the hospitals are not overloaded.

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1 hour ago, kalifire said:

Small shoots of hope in Melbourne. The curfew was removed today, so we can all go out at whatever time we like, shops can open later, etc.

That said, we still can't be out of the house for more than 2 hours at a time, within 5km of home and masks to be worn everywhere at all times. All retail and hospitality is still shut.

To put that in context, yesterday we reported 5 new cases in the state of Victoria. That's it. Five.

It was my birthday yesterday and to be honest, it was shit. The first birthday as a single man in six years, forced to be by myself in lockdown. I wouldn't have been much company anyway.

Christmas in the UK is cancelled and I'm anxious about Glasto 2021.

Try and keep the faith ... glastonbury hasn’t been cancelled yet ... lots of time for vaccines and other drugs that reduce impact and death rates to still happen ... look how far that has come in 6 months ... good to see things improving where you are ... and a belated happy birthday 🎂 

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1 hour ago, kalifire said:

Feeling for you, Yoghurt.

Like others, I don't really have any great words of help. I would just gently encourage you not to feel too personally regretful of how your relationship with your parents has been until this point. It won't have been without reason, and the burden is not yours to suffer exclusively, however sad it is now.

Expressing love verbally can be an extricating experience, but it doesn't magically whisk away the suffering you've been through, and nor should it. That has a right to exist as a part of your journey.

I'd argue that whether you get to say it directly is exaggerated in terms of impact. Depending on what you believe happens when people die, if life simply ends, the impact of your words in final moments has minimal effect to the departing. What's crucial is the place you've reached in your heart - the destination you've arrived at and the demons you can exorcise as a result.

So if you don't manage to say it, can't bring yourself to express it, or feel like you're forcing it, don't let that weigh you down. Allow yourself to step into this area of love and forgiveness gently, naturally. If you're able to share it, so much the better. But the important thing is that it's authentic and you can feel its truth. This is about you, ultimately. Whether sitting by a bed in a hospital room or sitting by yourself on your couch, by a lake, or in a pub, it's still valid.

Sorry, went on a bit there and apologies if any of that was insensitive.

Hello kalifire,

Thank you for those well considered and thoughtful words, as they are greatly appreciated. They are also close to the bone accurate, and are giving me food for thought.

I have been able to work on this problem a little since I first mentioned it on here, and have made some progress with myself. I have sort of loosened the grip on my own anger - only a little, but it's a start. So, I guess I have a little bit of hope where there was none before.

Anyway, I'm driving to Birmingham at some point tomorrow to visit my parents. It'll be the first time that I'll have seen them in person since the start of the first lock down way back in March. I guess I'll have to see how it goes and take it from there. 

Thanks once again.

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4 hours ago, Punksnotdead said:

Well the last couple of days took an unexpected turn. I woke up yesterday morning wondering what to do with my Sunday. 3 hours later I'm speeding down to Bristol in the back of an ambulance after suffering a heart attack!

Fair play to the NHS - from the paramedics to the surgeons to the nurses & everyone inbetween, they have been incredible!

Hope you feel better soon. Been there done that.

Had a heart attack in 2009. Had to wait around around in hospital for days for a slot to come up to have a stent fitted, so you did well there. Two weeks before Glastonbury I got out. Still made it.

4 hours ago, Punksnotdead said:

Yep no more smoking, reduced drinking, no more fatty food, etc! It'll be worth it though.

Hope you are mentally stronger than I was/am regarding this.

In all honesty my lifestyle did not change much in this regard, despite my best intentions.

Maybe don't follow my example, as I then went on to have a mini stroke in 2015 and another stent fitted (again just before Glastonbury, again still made it).

Stay strong.

 

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Came on here to post my own feelings of woe, and then read @Yoghurt on a Stick and @Punksnotdead's posts. I hope you're both doing ok!!!

@kalifire - sorry about your birthday too. 

I'm feeling quite low today. My two best friends (who have been my support bubble throughout Covid) left Glasgow a few weeks ago. I've been busy for the last two weekends, but today it's really hit home. The weather is fucking shite, it's too dark and wet to hang out in the garden, and house visits are still banned. It's just making me think all my worst fears about a winter lockdown are happening already. I'm just not sure I can handle a whole five months of this shit. 

My new kitten is keeping me somewhat entertained at least. 

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1 minute ago, Sasperella said:

Came on here to post my own feelings of woe, and then read @Yoghurt on a Stick and @Punksnotdead's posts. I hope you're both doing ok!!!

@kalifire - sorry about your birthday too. 

I'm feeling quite low today. My two best friends (who have been my support bubble throughout Covid) left Glasgow a few weeks ago. I've been busy for the last two weekends, but today it's really hit home. The weather is fucking shite, it's too dark and wet to hang out in the garden, and house visits are still banned. It's just making me think all my worst fears about a winter lockdown are happening already. I'm just not sure I can handle a whole five months of this shit. 

My new kitten is keeping me somewhat entertained at least. 

sorry to hear that ..... I think my advice is to try and not look at things in big chunks of time ... and to get my head around that for a few weeks things might not be quite as id like .... but and this is a big but ... It actually isn't long till xmas and hopefully by then we could be getting some more positive news and being able to see some light at the end of the tunnel ..... I understand things can be tough on your own too .... once we are out the other side things will look up  

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