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kalifire

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kalifire last won the day on October 12 2019

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About kalifire

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    lives in a field
  • Birthday 09/27/1977

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    Male
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    Melbourne / Frome

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  1. This tweet has just been deleted, but it came from the UK Civil Service!!
  2. kalifire

    Pangea

    Well, shit. Arcadia's application strongly implies that unless permission is granted, they can't do it at all. Gutted for them, but I can see the council's perspective. Before they painted it green, I couldn't believe they were considering leaving the bottom bit in the middle of the valley, as it was. It was an eyesore.
  3. kalifire

    How do you feel?

    An update on my situation, for anyone remotely interested. Today, an application I made for a new flat was approved. It's one road behind where we live currently, and it's a pretty decent two bedroom place. It feels absolutely bizarre to me that two weeks ago today, I considered myself to be in a strained but ongoing relationship, and here I am today, with a new pad for me and my cat and a three week time frame to move. I was hoping to feel happy and excited for the new place, but it actually set me back. I was sadder today than I have been for a few days. I guess it's the definitive nature of what I'm doing - that it feels real now. The upside is that I'll be moving about a week before my ex, so she can come over to visit the cat and feel like she's weaning off rather than abruptly saying goodbye and disappearing. The logistics of moving are also immeasurably better than if she moved out first. So I'm surviving; hanging in there; but it's still tough and I'm expecting the period during which I pack up and move, and the following few days to be quite horrible. After that, there are no dreaded moments of sadness on the horizon so hopefully things can gradually improve.
  4. kalifire

    How do you feel?

    Ah, mate. That's not ideal news. So sorry to hear that. Just remember that 'news' is rarely that, these days. Much of it is speculative, third hand and not an accurate state of affairs. Surveys are generally nothing to get alarmed over.
  5. kalifire

    How do you feel?

    Fantastic to hear, fc
  6. kalifire

    How do you feel?

    Some great advice on here that's really helping. Today marks one week since she broke the news. A week ago today, I was completely broken, and in a world of hurt and pain that was intense, relentless and didn't stop for about 72 hours. Functioning was almost impossible. It was on the Sunday night I built up the courage to search for somewhere else to live that seems to have been a bit of a game changer. It helped me to have an alternative focus instead of only dwelling on the loss with no direction or structure. A week on, and I seem to have settled into a bit of a pattern. I flip between being OK, and having a set back. The times I'm OK are when I'm imagining the future, developing plans (want to focus on health and learn how to cook) and talking with the two or three people who are directly available to me for support (albeit from overseas). The set backs are when I'm in the flat and she's struggling, or my mind throws memories at me and the loss is all too apparent again. I'm pretty sure that moving into a new place ASAP is going to have a positive effect. It's very hard not to think about love and loss when I'm literally living with the subject of it. Although I'm dreading the day I close the door to a home without her in it after five years, the lack of a constant reminder, and the focus of setting up somewhere fresh is surely going to put a rocket under moving on, right? I've found a place just one road back from where I live now, so I'd stay in the area. She's looking for places about a half hour drive away, so she's not accessible without a bit of faffing around, and perhaps that's for the best. I'm still getting through one day at a time, but perhaps there are slightly more OK moments as time goes on, and that's not a bad sign.
  7. kalifire

    How do you feel?

    Update from me: last night, after a few wines, I grew the balls to actually search for anywhere else to live. I didn't expect to cope doing it, but not only did I cope, I actually found somewhere. It's in the same neighbourhood, only one road back from where I live now, more affordable, more size-appropriate, and if it's OK, I'm going to apply for it. I put in a request for an 'inspection' (how they do things here in the rental market). Inspections start next week and I'll be contacted to set one up. Having that in place has given a slightly different dynamic to my grief. The pain hasn't lessened and my heart aches to the point I had a couple of heart burn moments yesterday, but it now has company, and I have some kind of structure of what the future could be like. I can imagine myself somewhere else. The State of Victoria are easing restrictions from tomorrow night, so gatherings of 5, recreational activities and regional travel are all allowed. That will give my ex an opportunity to do things (she loves to hike) so I guess I'll slowly be seeing less of her. Everything is still civil but she's gone from partners to friends overnight to the point I can't even share how I feel without it making her uncomfortable, so that makes me feel even more alone, and all our small-talk conversations feel fake. The days are getting slightly easier, I suppose. But we're talking variations on the pain spectrum.
  8. kalifire

    How do you feel?

    Oh, mate. Although that's not as bad as it could have been, having something like that happen to your dad can shake you to the core. Remember he's lucky to have you and you can make a difference to his life.
  9. kalifire

    How do you feel?

    Hi everyone. I wanted to check back in here and let you know I'm still alive and surviving. I did put the idea of a separation in writing to her, and we took a walk together and talked things through. It wasn't exactly what I was hoping for, but it wasn't too awful either. Essentially, she said she's open to the possibility of a reconciliation in the future, if that's what the future brings. But she said that her decision isn't part of some process - it's an absolute end. She's not leaving me with a view to coming back, she's just open about what could happen. I told her my position was slightly different - that I accepted this is an end, and although I'd have preferred a separation, I respect her decision. But that I am hopeful that we will reconcile, and that my next chapter will be to focus on my health and mental well being (for me), and the changes that will bring may unblock some of the issues that have caused our relationship to fail. She still wants us to be in each other's lives, as friends. To make the occasional visit and do the occasional thing. She wants to cat-sit for my cat (we have two, she's taking the other) and she even wants to retain her Glastonbury ticket and join me for that next year. I'm hopeful that will give plenty of scope for her to see that I'm growing and moving on from where we've been stuck for so long, and that I might become more attractive to her again. I've mentioned that to her, although she says she doesn't want to 'jump ahead' and I'm careful not to undermine and disrespect her decision at this moment in time. Well-being wise, I'm struggling quite a lot. I've walked over 58k steps in the last two days, mainly while talking to a two or three friends (all overseas) by exchanging audio messages. The mornings and the nights are the two hardest times. In the mornings I wake up and it hits me all over again. At night, I can't sleep. I had three hours last night and a half hour nap this afternoon. I'm avoiding the harder stuff, but I'm going through at least a bottle of wine a night and trying not to give myself a hard time about it, just be conscious of it and reign it back when it isn't so helpful (it takes the edge off and helps numb some pain). Right now we're both still in the same house, courtesy of Melbourne's coronavirus lockdown, although an announcement about easing some restrictions is supposed to be being made tomorrow. I've decided not to stay in this place after she's gone. I think the her-shaped holes and an entirely empty room where she used to chill, write and work would be constant reminders of us and would prolong the pain. She's in a position to move out quicker than I am (I need to save up money for it) so I'm going to be stuck here for a little while, but hopefully not longer than a couple of months. Thanks for the messages of support, both publicly and privately. I know this might seem like a random Glastonbury forum to be sharing this stuff on, but there are some true gems here, and you're all being really lovely. As somebody with hardly anyone else around me in my life, that's very valuable.
  10. kalifire

    How do you feel?

    Basically, I'm giving it my best shot. She dropped the break up convo on me out of the blue, and I want to respond with some thoughts I've had time to consider. I get what you're saying, but I'd prefer to have tried and failed than be left wondering what if.
  11. kalifire

    How do you feel?

    Thank you. I mean that. It's day #2 now and if I micro-analysed it, I'd be able to find tiny ways in which I'm slightly better than last night. But it's still fucking horrible. Noticing the little ways she's less affectionate while we're still living together. Slightly more dismissive about our shared experiences over the last few years. She dropped it on me last night, and I went out for a 15km walk to think when our conversation was over (in Ugg boots, of all things - I didn't start with the intention to walk that far). I've since had time to gather my thoughts and respond in a considered way, and I'm going to put that in writing and send it to her tomorrow, then we'll talk it through. My hope is that she'll reframe our break up as a separation, with the prospect of re-introducing ourselves to each other after an undefined period of time. We'll see how that plays out. It could be a lifeline, or it could be Grief 2.0, but either way I'll have been totally open and real, and have no regrets. Big. Fucking. Sigh.
  12. kalifire

    How do you feel?

    Thank you. I do recognise that. I feel like there needs to be a period of grief, though. Even just a short one.
  13. kalifire

    How do you feel?

    Anything but inane, Yoghurt. That means a lot to me. My problem is I'm an emotional sensitive sod, so I keep finding myself thinking of memories, grieving the loss of a life companion, remembering the happy times, the exciting times we were growing together and building a future. I have to keep trying not to think about those things but they're where I'm drifting to in my head, and it's breaking my heart.
  14. kalifire

    How do you feel?

    Thanks, MM. Really early days here, but yeah I can see that channelling of energy can mark a path in one direction or another.
  15. kalifire

    How do you feel?

    Despite the reasons we're going our own ways, the core of our relationship is fundamentally healthy. This hasn't happened due to an incident, an argument or anything else. In some ways that makes it worse, but we're still there for each other. Thanks, pj.
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