Getting over a break up?

[Bisque]

I'm struggling guys, really badly. We were together seven years & it looks like she is now seeing someone else about a month after breaking up.

Need some motivation & to not hit the bottle. All I can think about is her with someone else, like a constant sinking feeling in my stomach.

She still wants to chat, hang out etc but seeing her knowing that she has someone else in her life is devastating... I think she's only saying she wants to still be friends as a way to distract me when she's not all that bothered.

She was my best friend, I moved to Leeds, lost contact with mates to be with her. Just need some advice?

[russycarps]

Yikes sorry to hear this. How easy is it for you to avoid her? Do you work together? have mutual friends?

It sounds to me like you need to go no contact with her while you get your head around things. Did you lose all contact with your mates? Time to build bridges, you need their support. They will forgive you for ditching them, I would...

Get active. Do exercise, go for a jog, the gym. Dont sit festering in your house.

Unfortunately only the passing of time will be able to help you with this one...

[jump]

Yeah, no contact is a must in this situation.

If it was me I'd get my mates together, drink, have fun and be merry even if I don't feel like it just so I can get going in that direction but if you want to avoid drink maybe focus on work, get in shape and whatever other distractions you can think off.

[whisty]

Yikes sorry to hear this. How easy is it for you to avoid her? Do you work together? have mutual friends?

It sounds to me like you need to go no contact with her while you get your head around things. Did you lose all contact with your mates? Time to build bridges, you need their support. They will forgive you for ditching them, I would...

Get active. Do exercise, go for a jog, the gym. Dont sit festering in your house.

Unfortunately only the passing of time will be able to help you with this one...

All good advice. I had a 6 year one go bad, had no idea, hit me like a hammer blow, know how you feel. As the man says, only time will do it for you. The one thing I learned was don't try to hang on, it just extends the pain. Cut it & move on if you can.

[LondonTom]

Ah man no way!

Don't feel to bad about her moving on, I've always found girls seem to be able to move on much quicker than guys, no matter what the reason for the breakup! So get any silly thoughts you might have about that out your head would be the first thing tbh!

Try to think of the positives of breaking up with her to, must have been stuff that she annoyed you with! The world is now your oyster to do as you please! Maybe do something you wouldn't have done when together as it would have really pissed her off!

As Russy said, getting out instead of sitting at home thinking about is great and yeah likely the best thing in this situation is no contact for a bit. At least until you are over it. (This includes facebook stalking )

[jump]

Maybe do something you wouldn't have done when together as it would have really pissed her off!

Is that something her sister? That would piss her off!

I've a mate who decided to do stuff because his ex wouldn't/didn't like it, the problem was he kept going on about his ex as he was doing it rather than just doing it because he wanted to. At one point the idiot wanted to txt her about how he was eating Mexican food which she hated.

[LondonTom]

Yeah should add, it should be something you've really wanted to do...not just stuff to piss off the ex.

[Bisque]

Join the Navy? I appreciate all the feedback. I hate that girls can move on so quickly. I'm fucking skint too so if anyone wants to take me out for a beer.

[Bisque]

It sounds to me like you need to go no contact with her while you get your head around things. Did you lose all contact with your mates? Time to build bridges, you need their support. They will forgive you for ditching them, I would...

I had my beat mates wedding a couple of weeks ago. She was invited & I was hoping to be able to spend the weekend winning her back around. Of course she bailed at the last minute fucking things up for my friend.

My screen saver is a slide show of 2014 where we went to Vietnam, Malaysia, Singapore, Glasto & Bestival... fucking gutted.

[zero000]

Really sorry to hear this Couchy. There's some solid advise in this thread so far though. Try to do things that you enjoy, not because they take your mind off things but because you enjoy doing them. Get back in contact with your mates who you lost contact with and spend some time with them.

Try your best to minimise contact with her if possible, delete her off facebook or at least hide her posts so she doesn't spring up on you unexpectedly. That's the problem with social media, ghosts from your past can pop up unexpectedly like a bad case of herpes.

Edited October 16, 2014 by zero000

[oneeye]

My screen saver is a slide show of 2014 where we went to Vietnam, Malaysia, Singapore, Glasto & Bestival... fucking gutted.

Change your screen saver. Reckon you should go on ONE almighty all nighter bender with mates to purge your mind then move onwards and upwards; glass half full etc..., oh and don't join any of the armed forces on a whim, will only compound your situation.

Women eh, life can feel a b'stard sometimes but honestly it will get better; good luck and keep positive Mr C

Edited October 16, 2014 by oneeye

[Bisque]

She promised to call this evening... Guess she got side tracked with a movie. She is playing me about?

[jump]

She promised to call this evening... Guess she got side tracked with a movie. She is playing me about?

She may have been side tracked with stuff or she's just being polite and saying she will call or she may be a bitch but to be honest it doesn't matter, what you need to do is focus on yourself and not her.

[midnight]

Are you really trying to get over her, or trying to get back together?

Anyway, distraction, distraction, and yet more distraction is the best thing.

The joke about the navy isn't that far off; I don't know what your work situation is, but a change of scenery would perhaps be a great remedy, particularly as you moved to where you are now because of her. If you're really tied up with your job, it may not be an option, but if it's really, really bad for you, getting your employer to send you somewhere else could bring some relief. Or you could try applying for new and better jobs, might not work out, but will give you something to do.

Shame you're skint and have just done all this travelling together, otherwise travelling would also be a good way to get some distraction and distance (even if you'd have to go on your own, and only for a few weeks). Otherwise yes, as others advised above, sports and outdoor stuff, anything that makes you really tired so you can crash out quickly at night. Anything that makes you think of something else. No sitting around at home alone getting pissed - too much booze only encourages self-pity, in my experience. Meeting new people is good, I've found - people who don't know your ex and your shared history.

If you feel as you say you do, regular contact is not going to help at all. Wouldn't burn things, as you might regret it later, but you could try to put mementos etc in a box and leave them somewhere you don't go very often (a mate's or relative's place?). And a new screensaver! The less you see and hear of her the better. Pleading is rarely attractive, and even if she wanted to come back in a few weeks, it probably wouldn't be much good for you, because you'd be too keen to please and terrified of her leaving again if you say or do something wrong - not a good position to be in. And if she really is playing you, that doesn't bode well for the future either.

For a while, try to avoid music you both liked and listened to together (this is hard if it's some of your favourite stuff, I've been there, but still). But indulge in all the things you didn't do just because she didn't like them.

Best of luck. It is crushingly awful to be rejected by someone you feel so deeply for. Very bad for one's self esteem, too. Happens to even the best and nicest people, though. It takes time to get better, sometimes quite a lot of time.

Btw, I really don't think girls move one more quickly, not from what I've seen. The partner who has disengaged more (emotionally) is more likely to initiate the split and then to move on more quickly.

Edited October 16, 2014 by midnight

[Katster]

No advice just hope you feel better soon.

[Bisque]

I've been offered a job in the Royal Navy as a hydrographical & meterologist specialist with option to be officer.

Spent an hour on the phone with her, she really is my best mate.

[midnight]

That does sound like a really interesting job!

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

[oneeye]

Good morning Couchy,

Just a follow up on the RN thing, if you're seriously up for it then go for it. I did 25 years, not the same job as you've been offered, but all the same it wasn't a bad career. It will certainly refocus your mind, good luck in whatever you choose to do.

[t8yman]

Block her phone, remove her from all social media and forget her - which I know will sound impossible. Her claiming she wants to stay friends is for her benefit - not yours. She obviously feels a bit guilty, but her attempts at softening it for you will ultimately make it more and more painful.

I really feel for you, its the most awful feeling - I went through a really difficult one, but 6 months later I met the woman I have been married to for 19 years.

Plenty more fish etc etc, cliches are cliches because they are invariably true.

good luck

[jump]

I'll add to the no contact with her thing by saying if you want to stay in touch in hopes of wooing her back then don't, if you're desperately waiting for her calls, hoping to bump in to her etc then it will come off as needy which in general isn't a great turn-on for girls and wont convince a girl that doesn't want to be in a relationship with you to be in a relationship with you. You might be able to stay friends in the future but right now you can't for your own good.

Edited October 17, 2014 by jump

[russycarps]

Block her phone, remove her from all social media and forget her - which I know will sound impossible. Her claiming she wants to stay friends is for her benefit - not yours. She obviously feels a bit guilty, but her attempts at softening it for you will ultimately make it more and more painful.

I really feel for you, its the most awful feeling - I went through a really difficult one, but 6 months later I met the woman I have been married to for 19 years.

Plenty more fish etc etc, cliches are cliches because they are invariably true.

good luck

Agree with this, as brutal as it is.

I cannot fathom what good can come from staying best friends with someone you have strong feelings for, when those feelings are not reciprocated, and worse, they are seeing someone else.

This situation will wreck your head. Go no contact. You dont need to be a dick about it, but I'd explain it's too painful to stay friends.

You will experience more short term pain, but long term you will be able to move on much more quickly.

If she's seeing someone else I just dont see how this is recoverable.

[eFestivals]

I cannot fathom what good can come from staying best friends with someone you have strong feelings for, when those feelings are not reciprocated, and worse, they are seeing someone else.

Just in addition to this....

She was your best friend because you shared everything.

You no longer share everything, and you feel betrayed by it.

Your friendship is not what it was. You need to get your head around that in order to move on.

[atomised]

All I can do is echo the no contact thing. From experience I tried to stay friends with an ex years ago. Was very one sided and forced on her part and looking back didn't resemble a friendship at all. It was very much a vehicle to ease her guilt

[zahidf]

I emphasise. I had a similar ( though also different) in that i lost one of my best friends last year because i liked her in a non-platonic way. friends for over 5 years but turns out i was wrong to be that close with someone who didn't have the same feelings for me.

Anyway, to echo it, you can't be friends, best to stay away really.

[Bisque]

Thanks for advice everyone. I've moved back to my parents from Leeds to get away, she started crying when I told her last night.

She isn't seeing anyone else, I don't see why she would lie, just trying to fill her time with new friends she's made at work, all are a lot younger doing internships at her meteorological company so go out a lot.

No job & no money due to the move though. She wants to see me when I eventually go back & clear out my room & I still have a few items I found to give back to her.