priest17 Posted November 28, 2019 Report Share Posted November 28, 2019 Neighbor's doing my head in. Every morning, without fail, great big German Shepard bounds onto my front lawn and lays a massive shit. His dog's no better either. (luv u bob mortimer x) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrZigster Posted November 28, 2019 Report Share Posted November 28, 2019 A person goes to the doctor. They've got a carrot in one ear, a sausage in the other and a chip stuck up each nostril. "I can see why you're sick", the doctor says. "You're not eating properly". 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayrshire Chris Posted November 28, 2019 Report Share Posted November 28, 2019 When nelson was alive he was five foot tall. His statue in Trafalgar Square is fifteen foot tall. Thats Horatio of 3:1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrZigster Posted November 28, 2019 Report Share Posted November 28, 2019 I was accused of being a closet racist. But I don't hate people from Narnia. (My favourite Milton Jones joke). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayrshire Chris Posted November 28, 2019 Report Share Posted November 28, 2019 What do you get when you cross a penis with a potato? a Dictator 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
upshitcreek Posted November 28, 2019 Report Share Posted November 28, 2019 On a wall in a Pay toilet I saw written "I sat here, broken hearted, paid my penny, but only farted" makes me laugh to this day Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yoghurt on a Stick Posted November 29, 2019 Report Share Posted November 29, 2019 19 hours ago, Bisque said: Just laughed out loud in front of a about 50 people by the pool like a mental. That's a result in my books. Act like a mental from the off and then you don't have to get in to those boring conversations with your fellow holiday makers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyfool01 Posted November 29, 2019 Report Share Posted November 29, 2019 4 hours ago, Yoghurt on a Stick said: That's a result in my books. Act like a mental from the off and then you don't have to get in to those boring conversations with your fellow holiday makers. Also a great way of clearing those lovely beach towels Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yoghurt on a Stick Posted December 3, 2019 Report Share Posted December 3, 2019 A bloke takes two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Road Show”Aah!” said the presenter enthusiastically, “This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers, taxidermists, who operated in London at the turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?” Bloke answers "Sticks"? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yoghurt on a Stick Posted December 3, 2019 Report Share Posted December 3, 2019 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yoghurt on a Stick Posted December 3, 2019 Report Share Posted December 3, 2019 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Homer Posted December 3, 2019 Report Share Posted December 3, 2019 I made up a joke recently. 'I was in a nightclub and I saw a DJ from Devon and a DJ from Cornwall having a fight. Turns out they were arguing about whether to put The Jam or Cream on first.' 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayrshire Chris Posted December 3, 2019 Report Share Posted December 3, 2019 OK not a joke but a scene from the father Ted Xmas Special with the creepy Father Todd Unctious, desperate to steal Teds Golden Cleric award. Absolutely brilliant comedy! I can watch this programme over and over again! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cidy Posted December 4, 2019 Report Share Posted December 4, 2019 Interesting fact: Bono was ill the evening before they recorded ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas’ in 1985, but he was very relieved to only be diagnosed with catarrh rather than something more serious... “Well tonight thank God it’s phlegm instead of flu....” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vardyvarvar Posted December 4, 2019 Report Share Posted December 4, 2019 For my new years resolution I decided I’d learn how to do the splits. I approached a dance instructor who asked “How flexible or you?” I said “I can’t do Tuesday’s or Thursday’s.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
northernringo Posted December 4, 2019 Report Share Posted December 4, 2019 1 hour ago, cidy said: Interesting fact: Bono was ill the evening before they recorded ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas’ in 1985, but he was very relieved to only be diagnosed with catarrh rather than something more serious... “Well tonight thank God it’s phlegm instead of flu....” I have heard this word said hundreds of times but never would I have thought it was spelt like this Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayrshire Chris Posted December 4, 2019 Report Share Posted December 4, 2019 1 hour ago, northernringo said: I have heard this word said hundreds of times but never would I have thought it was spelt like this And the spelling explains why it’s easier to write snot Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddyclark Posted December 4, 2019 Report Share Posted December 4, 2019 I really cannot stand hedgehogs... Selfish Selfish Bastards... Why won't they share their hedges.. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayrshire Chris Posted December 4, 2019 Report Share Posted December 4, 2019 1 hour ago, paddyclark said: I really cannot stand hedgehogs... Selfish Selfish Bastards... Why won't they share their hedges.. What’s the difference between a hedgehog and a Ferrari? Hedgehogs have pricks on the outside Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yoghurt on a Stick Posted December 4, 2019 Report Share Posted December 4, 2019 8 hours ago, paddyclark said: I really cannot stand hedgehogs... Selfish Selfish Bastards... Why won't they share their hedges.. Have you opened a Christmas cracker early? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yoghurt on a Stick Posted December 4, 2019 Report Share Posted December 4, 2019 I may have posted this before. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I did. However, like the wild bore that I am, I'm going to post it again; Letter to a men's helpline... Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Now for your help with my problem - Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yoghurt on a Stick Posted December 4, 2019 Report Share Posted December 4, 2019 The barman said: "We don't serve time travelers 'round here!" ..... A time traveler walks into a bar. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yoghurt on a Stick Posted December 4, 2019 Report Share Posted December 4, 2019 Checking in for a flight, I was asked, “Window or Aisle?”. I said, Window or you’ll do what? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yoghurt on a Stick Posted December 5, 2019 Report Share Posted December 5, 2019 When I was a child at school my English teacher looked at me and said " Name two pronouns". I said "Who? Me?". I've got to stop this. I need help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyfool01 Posted December 5, 2019 Report Share Posted December 5, 2019 16 hours ago, paddyclark said: I really cannot stand hedgehogs... Selfish Selfish PRICKS Why won't they share their hedges.. Needed an edit 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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