The Joke Thread

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

Apologies for the crudity of that last joke. If it's of any help, please note that I think that I have now posted my whole repertoire of jokes.

[Gacheezbo]

Has anyone watched Lewis Capaldi's Instagram story this afternoon? Had me cracking right up

[Homer]

My mate keeps cancelling his exczema treatment appointments at the last minute.

He's very flaky.

[bamber]

First Law of Thermodynamics: You can't win. Second Law of Thermodynamics: You can't break even. Third Law of Thermodynamics: You can't stop playing.

[Ayrshire Chris]

17 hours ago, Yoghurt on a Stick said:

Apologies for the crudity of that last joke. If it's of any help, please note that I think that I have now posted my whole repertoire of jokes.

Crudity, I apologise for this one 

my wife saw me pulling off my boxers

she said, you love those dogs more than you love me 

[bamber]

17 hours ago, Yoghurt on a Stick said:

Apologies for the crudity of that last joke. If it's of any help, please note that I think that I have now posted my whole repertoire of jokes.

I laughed.

Love ya Yog.

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

2 hours ago, bamber said:

I laughed.

Love ya Yog.

Love you too bamber.

Hope all is well with you and yours. 

[bamber]

1 minute ago, Yoghurt on a Stick said:

Love you too bamber.

Hope all is well with you and yours. 

It warms my very heart every time I interact with you here.

Bamber x

[bamber]

Just now, bamber said:

It warms my very heart every time I interact with you here.

Bamber x

Did you like my thermodynamics joke?

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

8 minutes ago, bamber said:

It warms my very heart every time I interact with you here.

Bamber x

What a lovely thing to say, thank you.

Right back at 'yer. 

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

9 minutes ago, bamber said:

Did you like my thermodynamics joke?

I'm afraid that it kind of went right over my head - or, at least, I think it did. That said, I have given it some thought, and am not certain. I kind of know what I'd read in to it, but am not sure if that is the intended humour.

Oh, and I'm too scared to put my head above the parapet and state what I thought.

PS. I've had half a joint in the last 5 minutes, which was left over from last night. It has kind of rendered me 'elsewhere', so to speak ie.my mind is currently very malleable - that's another thermodynamic joke right there. I think!

[bamber]

The second law of thermodynamics is probably the most interesting, That is the one that states we are all going to shit.

Here they are.

• First law of thermodynamics: When energy passes, as work, as heat, or with matter, into or out from a system, the system's internal energy changes in accord with the law of conservation of energy. Equivalently, perpetual motion machines of the first kind (machines that produce work with no energy input) are impossible.
• Second law of thermodynamics: In a natural thermodynamic process, the sum of the entropies of the interacting thermodynamic systems increases. Equivalently, perpetual motion machines of the second kind (machines that spontaneously convert thermal energy into mechanical work) are impossible.
• Third law of thermodynamics: The entropy of a system approaches a constant value as the temperature approaches absolute zero.^[2] With the exception of non-crystalline solids (glasses) the entropy of a system at absolute zero is typically close to zero.

[bamber]

1 minute ago, bamber said:

The second law of thermodynamics is probably the most interesting, That is the one that states we are all going to shit.

Here they are.

• First law of thermodynamics: When energy passes, as work, as heat, or with matter, into or out from a system, the system's internal energy changes in accord with the law of conservation of energy. Equivalently, perpetual motion machines of the first kind (machines that produce work with no energy input) are impossible.
• Second law of thermodynamics: In a natural thermodynamic process, the sum of the entropies of the interacting thermodynamic systems increases. Equivalently, perpetual motion machines of the second kind (machines that spontaneously convert thermal energy into mechanical work) are impossible.
• Third law of thermodynamics: The entropy of a system approaches a constant value as the temperature approaches absolute zero.^[2] With the exception of non-crystalline solids (glasses) the entropy of a system at absolute zero is typically close to zero.

Is the joke funny now?

[bamber]

Alternatively

• Zeroth law of thermodynamics – If two thermodynamic systems are each in thermal equilibrium with a third, then they are in thermal equilibrium with each other.
• First law of thermodynamics – Energy can neither be created nor destroyed. It can only change forms. In any process, the total energy of the universe remains the same. For a thermodynamic cycle the net heat supplied to the system equals the net work done by the system.
• Second law of thermodynamics – The entropy of an isolated system not in equilibrium will tend to increase over time, approaching a maximum value at equilibrium.
• Third law of thermodynamics – As temperature approaches absolute zero, the entropy of a system approaches a constant minimum.

That is four this time. The Joke is funny.

[bamber]

3 hours ago, bamber said:

First Law of Thermodynamics: You can't win. Second Law of Thermodynamics: You can't break even. Third Law of Thermodynamics: You can't stop playing.

The universe is a gamble, accept it,

[bamber]

Entropy is generally a concept that is a bit hard for most people  to get their head around.

Think of it like this.

 

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

21 hours ago, bamber said:

Is the joke funny now?

Hello bamber,

I'm fear that I'm truly non the wiser. Most science and mathematical thingies are beyond me. It's like a big screen comes up, and I can't see anything, or get clarity. As in, at all. When I was at primary and secondary school (and the one year I dd at university) it was a very debilitating ailment. It actually used to instil fear in me.

In connection with the above when in chemistry lessons at secondary school, I always used to hide behind the people I was sat next to, when the teacher was asking members of the class for an answer. That used to really shit me up, as I hadn't got a clue to any answer. Anyway, it came to O' Level time and the teacher asked us to all come up to his desk to get a handful of old exam papers for us to get experience of the type and substance of the questions that would be asked in the O 'Level. So, I got in this line and heard the teacher calling out pupils names as he gave them a batch of old exam papers. When it came to my turn, the teacher looked up at me and said these immortal words to me "Who are you"? The bloke didn't even know my name, despite having taught me for three years! The only satisfaction that I got / get out of that experience is that my hiding skills must have been second to none!

[Beerqueen]

On 6/14/2019 at 9:56 PM, Avalon_Fields said:

I enjoyed this Richard Osman tweet yesterday, mainly as I’m dumb enough not to understand it when I first read it:

I'm fairly certain I saw that and just scrolled past it without getting it either!

[Steve1000]

I think I’m gonna get a job cleaning mirrors. It’s something I can really see myself doing.

[Beerqueen]

On 6/15/2019 at 1:56 AM, Yoghurt on a Stick said:

You thought it had ended. No,there's always room for one more;

Men's Helpline

"Hello, you have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"

"Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse. Then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouching behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

That sounds about right!  I just read this out to my husband and he laughed.  A lot.

Edited June 17, 2019 by Beerqueen

[Beerqueen]

A little old grey-haired lady went into the bank one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the manager of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the manager's office (after all, the customer is always right).

The bank manager then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "£165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The bank manager was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Madam, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The bank manager then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you £25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the manager, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the manager, I'll bet £25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident bank manager.

That night, the manager  got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the bank manager's office. She introduced the lawyer to the bank manager and repeated the bet: "£25,000 says the manager's balls are square!"

The manager agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The manager did.

The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, okay," said the manager, "£25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

The bank manager asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him £100,000 that at 10:00 a.m. today, I'd have the bank manager's balls in my hand."

[bombfrog]

One armed waiters:

They can dish it out but they can't take it.

[Quark]

I'll never forget my old grandad's last words to me. He said "What the hell are you doing with that hammer??"

[Quark]

One from my godson when he was about 4.

Why did the elephant fall out of the chocolate tree and squash the man?

Because there's no such thing as a chocolate tree.

[Beerqueen]