The Joke Thread

[Kowalski]

A horny fat wife in stockings & high heels puts on a cape. She bursts into the bedroom and shouts to her husband "Superpussy!!!"

He looks up and says "I'll have the soup!"

[grumpyhack]

The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gear.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team. However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

[grumpyhack]

So there I was sitting on the sofa having a quiet w*nk and some tosser from DFS called the police.

[grumpyhack]

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Filipino. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.

It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.

The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.

By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Wales. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot

meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn't see anything.

By the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he

could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he pees.

[grumpyhack]

Health & Safety Guidance on Festive Songs

Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow

In a one horse open sleigh

O'er the fields we go

Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

While Shepherds Watched

Their flocks by night

All seated on the ground

The angel of the Lord came down

And glory shone around

The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.

Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.

Little Donkey

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road

Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry; also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear FFP2 dust masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

We Three Kings

We three kings of Orient are

Bearing gifts we traverse afar

Field and fountain, moor and mountain

Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc., gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient’s name or perhaps give a gift voucher.

We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC route finder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Dust masks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.

[grumpyhack]

How to Make a Christmas Cake

Ingredients:

* 2 cups flour

* 1 stick butter

* 1 cup of water

* 1 tsp baking soda

* 1 cup of sugar

* 1 tsp salt

* 1 cup of brown sugar

* Lemon juice

* 4 large eggs

* Nuts

* 2 bottle wine

* 2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the wine to check quality Take a large bowl, check the wine

again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and

drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a

large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point

it's best to make sure the wine is still OK. Try another cup... Just in

case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and

chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner.. If the fried

druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the wine to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt.

Or something. Check the wine. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your

nuts. Add one table.. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink. Whatever you

can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to

fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl

through the window. Finish the wine and wipe counter with the cat.

Take a taxi to Tesco and buy cake..

Bingle Jells

[Kowalski]

A young girl goes to see Santa. Santa says "My you're very tall"

She says "Yes I'm 16"

He says "That's OK, Santa talks to all children. What do you want for Christmas?"

She says "I'm quite embarrassed to ask."

"Don't be silly" say Santa.

She says "I want some hairs on my fanny!"

Santa says "Do you mind if they are white?"

[rexclark]

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said "is this your wife sir", shocked i answered "yes". They said "im afraid it looks likes she's been hit by a bus", i said "i know, but she has a lovely personality"

[grumpyhack]

This isn't a joke as such but a warning about choosing your name carefully. We've been looking at getting a new washing machine and saw a good deal in Argos on their Beko range. So I checked it out and discovered the following.

Beko is a Turkish brand, part of a company known over there as Arcelik, apparently the name Beko is used instead of Arcelik outside of Turkey because of the way 'Arcelik' could be mispronounced in English. Furthermore, Arcelik is controlled by Koc Holding. I kid you not. Arcelik was founded in 1955 and is the market leader in Turkey, as well as being the third largest household appliances company in Europe.

Edited December 27, 2010 by grumpyhack

[grumpyhack]

Why some men have dogs not wives

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. . A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

14. And last, but not least: If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

To test this theory: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.

[Jason447]

I was sucking this bird off the other night when I thought 'Hold on a minute.....'

[Betsy]

Fairy liquid's ads have been updated to reflect modern England!

"mummy why are your hands soft?"

"cos im only 14 innit, now shut up and eat your pot noodle before your dad gets home from school".

[grumpyhack]

What is a billion?

The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, this brings into perspective the actual figure of one billion.

a. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

b. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

c. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

d. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

e. A billion Pounds ago was only 13 hours and 12 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.

Edited January 22, 2011 by grumpyhack

[diddly-dee]

I've got an inferiority complex. But it's not a very good one.

[diddly-dee]

I was standing there, wondering to myself, why is that frisbee getting bigger and bigger. And then it hit me...

[Kowalski]

Sian Massey, the assistant referee, pulled out of her game tonight. An absolute stack of ironing to do apparently.

[grumpyhack]

A festival goer appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates and asked if he could go in.

'It depends. Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St.Peter asked.

'Well, I can only think of one thing,' the man offered.

'O.K. Tell me about it,' said St Peter

'I was on my way to Glastonbury when I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker, smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, threw it on the ground and yelled,'Now, back off, or I'll kick the shit out of all four of you!'

St. Peter was quite impressed .. 'Wow! When did this happen?'

' Couple of minutes ago.'

Edited January 31, 2011 by grumpyhack

[grumpyhack]

A personal message to you from David Cameron !

The UK is in DEEP trouble...

The population of this country is

Approximately 60 million.

32 million are retired.

That leaves 28 million to do the work.

There are 17 million in school or at Universities.

Which leaves 11 million to do the work.

Of this there are 8 million employed by the UK government.

Leaving 3 million to do the work.

1.2 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden, and fighting in Afghanistan .

Which leaves 1.8 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work for Local County Councils. And that leaves 1 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 488,000 people in hospitals or claiming Invalidity Benefit.

Leaving 512,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 511,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your arse,

At your computer, reading jokes.

Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed out through trying to cope on my own?

[grumpyhack]

WORLD SURVEY BY PHONE

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

8. In UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

[Kowalski]

Bloke comes home to find his son sitting on the couch grinning ear to ear, "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

"I just f**ked the girl next door" he said proudly.

"Well done son, I hope you were wearing something?"

"Yes" his son replied "a balaclava!"

[grumpyhack]

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said: "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied: "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said: "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said: "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News."

The operator replied: "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said: "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me sh*t."

[guypjfreak]

ive just been invited to an AL-Qaeda party !!..

theres no food, no music and no dancing

but theres going to be the fastest game of pass the parcel ever!!!!!

yak yak

[grumpyhack]

Text from my nephew, who's in the Metropolitan Police. "I've given up telling racist jokes. Racisism is a crime. And crime is for blacks."

[BlackHole2006]

Ok so you've got these 2 midgets, and they're really drunk so one midget says to the other "Hey man you know we're probably not gonna get any sex, so let's get some prostitutes!" and the other midget says "Hey that's a great idea". So they get some prostitutes and that night midget number one is in bed with his prostitute and he's really underperforming because he's so drunk so he decided to blame it on her so he kicks her out. So he's lying there and he can here his mate next door going "1, 2 Hup, 1, 2 Hup, 1,2 Hup." and he's thinking to himself "Damn my buddy seems to be having a real good time with his". So the next morning there at the hotel bar and midget number two goes to midget number 1: "You have a good time with yours?" Midger number one says: "No, I really underperformed man, sounded like you had a good time though". Midget number two then says "Good time?! I couldn't even get up onto the f**king bed".

[OneLittleFish]

At an absolute loss, my racing snail kept losing races, so I removed its shell to make it more aerodynamic.

If anything, it's made him more sluggish.