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Kowalski

The Joke Thread

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A young artist exhibits his work for the first time, and a well known art critic is in attendance. The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work"?  Yes," says the artist. "It's worthless," says the critic. The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

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A Senior trying to set a new password

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER:    cabbage

WINDOWS   : Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER:    boiled cabbage

WINDOWS   : Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER   : 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS   : Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50fuckingboiledcabbages

WINDOWS   : Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER   : 50FUCKINGboiledcabbages

WINDOWS   : Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER :50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS   : Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: ReallyPissedOff50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

 

 

 

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use

 

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A 70-odd year old man is having a drink in a bar.

Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away.

The girl is so attractive he just can’t take his eyes off her.

After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

Before the man has time to apologise, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone … “I’ll do anything you’d like.

Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn’t matter how extreme or unusual it is, I’m game.

I want £100, and there’s another condition.”

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.

“You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.

He whips out his wallet and puts £100 in her hand.

He then looks he square in the eyes and says slowly and clearly … “paint my house.”

(for some of us our needs change as we get older and we tend to look for bargains!)

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What did the big flower say to the little flower?

Answer: Hi, bud!

Edited by adamsands

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Plan G - Nursing Home Plan

 

 Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you.

So, what do you do?  You opt for “Medicare Plan G”.       

The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Plan G) and one bullet.

You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician.

This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the Health Care you need.

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great.

Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart?

They are all covered!

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!

And, who will be paying for all of this?

The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home.

And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it.

And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!

Is this a great country or what? 

Now that I've solved your senior financial plan, enjoy the rest of your week.

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I may have told this one before, but even if I have, it's worth another whirl - in my opinion;

 

Letter to a men's helpline...

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Now for your help with my problem - Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

 

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A Russian agent visits a Kerry village in Ireland to check in with a sleeper agent planted there years earlier. All he knows is that his man has the cover name O'Sullivan and will respond to the phrase "Red sky at night is shepherd's delight".
 
Arriving in the village, he calls into O'Sullivan's Bar and tells the barman he is looking for O'Sullivan. The barman responds that half the people in the village are called O'Sullivan.
 
"There's O'Sullivan the Mechanic," he tells the Russian, "O'Sullivan the Guard, O'Sullivan the Blacksmith, O'Sullivan the Priest, O'Sullivan the Postman, O'Sullivan the Teacher, O'Sullivan the farmer.
 
"Sure my dear man, I myself am O'Sullivan the Publican," says the Kerryman, polishing a glass.
 
The Russian wonders whether this could be his man.
 
Looking the Kerryman in the eye, the Russian says "Red sky at night is shepherd's delight."
 
There's a pause as the Kerryman looks back at the Russian.
 
"Aha!" he says. "Sure you're looking for O'Sullivan the Spy!"
 

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Q/ What’s the difference between hard and light?

 

 

 

 

 

A/ You can sleep with a light on

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She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.

Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?
 "No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."
"Well, I see squirrels eating them and they're OK."
 So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful. 
Spot ate every bite.
 All morning long, she watched the dog. The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him

after a few hours, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success.
After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear,  
"Mum, Spot is dead."
Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, 
called the doctor and told him what had happened.
 
The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an 
ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can. We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."
 
Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road.
The  Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and 
pumped out their stomach.
Well after midnight, after the last one was done the doctor came out and said,  
"Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.
 The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the living 
room when the daughter came in and said to her mum..... 
"I can't believe that bloke!"
 "What bloke?"
 
"You know, the person who ran over Spot; he never even slowed down."

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A man went to the doctor’s office to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a double dose. “Why not?” asked the man. “Because it’s not safe,” replied the doctor. “But I need it really bad,” said the man. “Well, why do you need it so badly?” asked the doctor. The man said, “My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you see? I must have a double dose.” The doctor finally relented saying, “Okay, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.” On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling. The doctor asked, “What happened to you?” The man said, “No one showed up.”

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