Imaginary Glasto 2012

[Carlos The Mackerel]

If we were all in Pilton now what would your experiences have been so far? Let me start you off.

Just arrived on site after a 9 hour car journey from Lincolnshire, the last ten miles took 4 hours! On top of all that the queues at the gate are still so lengthy it’s depressing, 3 hours to reach the gate! It’s now 9pm raining cats and dogs and we are faced with the prospect of setting up camp, so tired. I can’t believe we have so little choice of pitches,everywhere and i mean everywhere there is mud, the wettest summer ever and still we all come. The only thing keeping me going are Arcade Fire on Sunday……

[redmuz]

hey Carlos! cheer up dude, the sun is coming out and everyone on the gates was lovely eh?

[hedgepeg]

piles of noz cannisters litter the wayside as you make your way to a designated suicide booth

[The Nal]

Winged serpents decent in their hundreds from the rainy skies and peck out childrens eyeballs and scrape the skin of their parents away like wet toilet roll. Women shriek like banshees as random grenade attacks can be heard all across the site, as limbs and blood and guts splatter the faces of the retreating masses.

The earth crumbles, the ground begins to open up and giants worms made of smoldering lava clamber out and wrap themselves around peoples necks as zombie Nazis in huge tanks roll across the land squishing punters like cherry tomatoes before a huge bomb detonates 200 metres above the site, generating a mushroom cloud that can be seen from space.

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

Someone dressed as a lollipop man spontaneously self combusts.

[eFestivals]

the people with nail scissors that normally cut the grass in the fields sudden start offering haircuts.

[Ed209]

Keane have just been mauled to death on stage by an angry flock of blue tits, and Jesse J has just been found dead in a portaloo with a dildo rammed up her nose.

good times

[The Nal]

Keane have just been mauled to death on stage by an angry flock of blue tits, and Jesse J has just been found dead in a portaloo with a dildo rammed up her nose.

good times

[eFestivals]

Sad news. Flo has just cancelled because of the mud, so isn't here this year to deliver her note-perfect version of 'The Chain'.

edit: that was version 1. But I've just realised this is an imaginary Glastonbury, so....

The woman previously referred to by me as screeching Flo turns up and sings her way thru the most sweet and soulful voiced set the world has ever seen.

Nah, I shouldn't have bothered with the edit, should I? No one's imagination is that good.

Edited June 22, 2012 by eFestivals

[LondonTom]

Another thing that got forgotten was the fact that against all probability a sperm whale had suddenly been called into existence several miles above the site. The entire site begins to worship the sperm whale as its not messiah, Micheal Eavis is declared a prophet.

Edited June 22, 2012 by LondonTom

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

This Glasto is certainly shaping up to be one of the better ones. Oh look, there's Morrissey being force fed a Big Mac.

[BlackHole2006]

Did anyone manage to catch Prince's secret acoustic set in Shangri-La last night?

[fred quimby]

Did anyone manage to catch Prince's secret acoustic set in Shangri-La last night?

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

nah missed that. Although I was back at my tent with Pipa Middleton as she want me to bang her ass allnight

[fred quimby]

I just knew she liked it up the tradesmans. Thanks for confirming that.

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

I should have video of it on my phone just to properly confirm like. Her idea not mine

[dingbat2]

I knew it. I knew it. The dirty little minx. I bet she was singing Offenbach's Tales of Hoffman at the time too. The way I like it!

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd more like

[BlackHole2006]

I hear Led Zeppelin are special guests on the park stage tomorrow night

[Ed209]

Not happening. Robert Plants prints were all over the dildo rammed up Jesse J's nose.

[bamber]

The Flying Pickets - not the 1983 Christmas chart topping band featuring the recently deceased Brain Hibbard, real South Wales striking miners, pick us up when hitching to the festival and we discuss revolutionary politics as far as Bristol, bus from there to site. Spend first night tapping large scrap, detritus, metal objects rhythmically with the whole melting pot of the alternative diaspora of humanity's misplaced and inspired. After it is already light, crawl under guarded marquee boundary wall to sleep for two hours because we have no tent. By sunrise befriend said biker security guards with copious bongs, the bong being the only possession beyond wallet and sunglasses that will remain with you for the duration of the festival, Morning is breakfast is better than any food you ever ate, you have not eaten for twenty four hours and those green field epicurean delights are like no other under the circumstances. Watch the Smiths play, or Bowie or Van Morrison or Roy Ayres or Hawkwind or Kelis or Brass Band Hot Chip covers or Ukrainian Nose flutes or English National Opera or Snake charming Eskimo midgets levitating through walls hawking Kylie Minogue tattoos to teenagers with manhole covers in their ears or the most beautiful woman you ever saw hanging from a balloon over your head before unceremoniously bumping into a glowing lime green dinosaur and falling to earth with the cutest ever giggle of an Angel. Drink very strong cider made from Pears and attempt unsuccessfully to shimmy up a 40 foot flag pole. Find an Irish bar smaller than your bathroom that only serves the best Guinness you ever tasted and Jameson's, indulge in both. Dance to Reggae or House or Drum and Bass or Disco with the abandon and pure ec-ec-ec-ecstacy only imagined in the real world, but ubiquitous and actually very ordinary, don't you know, at the festival. Fall in love with the woman dancing next to you and the best freaking night of your life with her.

All true. I miss you Glastonbury.

[bamber]

Sadly, this one moment in time is one that we can only ever imagine now, It will never happen again. Our collective loss is shared. Amy, rightly or wrongly, was so in Love with Blakey here, only four years ago, seems like an age. We love you, you will live forever in our memories, in our hearts.

Edited June 23, 2012 by bamber

[camperman]

After an enjoyable Billy Connelly set ending with the welly song, watched the spectacular fire works as the USAF naplamed the 50'000 people going the wrong way up the railway line to the late night area. Then had a bimble through the healing fields where for a tenner you could kick George Osbourne in the bollocks, a realtively busy night in the tent with Kira Knightly and Pipa Middleton. Up at 11am went to the kids field to watch the Hittler Youth slow roasting the Krishners over a camp fire before heading to the pyramid where the green party were having a conference, where you were searched on entry for weapons if none were found you issued a AK47. So not a bad fest so far.

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

After an enjoyable Billy Connelly set ending with the welly song, watched the spectacular fire works as the USAF naplamed the 50'000 people going the wrong way up the railway line to the late night area. Then had a bimble through the healing fields where for a tenner you could kick George Osbourne in the bollocks, a realtively busy night in the tent with Kira Knightly and Pipa Middleton. Up at 11am went to the kids field to watch the Hittler Youth slow roasting the Krishners over a camp fire before heading to the pyramid where the green party were having a conference, where you were searched on entry for weapons if none were found you issued a AK47. So not a bad fest so far.

[Gnomicide]

The new initiative of leaving the cows in the fields during the festival is proving to be a great success.

My mate, however was not best pleased with the effort he had to put in to get enough milk for his cornflakes, only for it to turn out to be a bullock.