poll How to wipe??

[H.M.V]

5 minutes ago, Gnomicide said:

Toilet roll holders, whether positioned under or over, are for the bourgeoisie. Just leave the loo roll sitting on the back of the loo, or the side of the bath if feeling frivolous.

Do you live in a squat Gnommy? Cos thats squatter talk. Pun intended.

[Gnomicide]

Truth be told, I was too scared to drill through the tiles when we decorated the bathroom.

That was 14 years ago.

[H.M.V]

9 minutes ago, Gnomicide said:

Truth be told, I was too scared to drill through the tiles when we decorated the bathroom.

That was 14 years ago.

You know you can get free standing holders with a nook for holding extra rolls. No drilling required. You'll feel well posh. 

Sorry for not keeping the tone in the sesspit. 

Edited January 21, 2016 by H.M.V

[Gnomicide]

I've seen them and frankly I'd rather opt for one of these...

[H.M.V]

3 minutes ago, Gnomicide said:

I've seen them and frankly I'd rather opt for one of these...

Funny that cos its exactly what I had in mind for you. Give her a flag and a roll of bog roll and she could be at glasto. Cant see the wellies under her delightful gown. 

[lucyginger]

10 hours ago, Gnomicide said:

Toilet roll holders, whether positioned under or over, are for the bourgeoisie. Just leave the loo roll sitting on the back of the loo, or the side of the bath if feeling frivolous.

I am firmly in the "over" camp, and it is a deal breaker for me, although in our house the loo roll sits on the back of the loo. There are no holders and I've never got around to sorting them out. I quite fancy one of those posh stands though. Might have a look at some now. 

[Woffy]

33 minutes ago, lucyginger said:

I am firmly in the "over" camp, and it is a deal breaker for me, although in our house the loo roll sits on the back of the loo. There are no holders and I've never got around to sorting them out. I quite fancy one of those posh stands though. Might have a look at some now. 

A stand that doubles as an ashtray.

The alterative is to aim to flick the ash into the pan via the small triangular hole between your legs and the seat, taking into account pube bushiness and proximity of red hot fag end to genitalia.

[Woffy]

2 minutes ago, Scruffylovemonster said:

The only thing I truly miss since I stopped!

Never mind cancer, toilet ash-flicking is what the government warnings should be about. 

That and putting a top on with a fag in yer mouth.

[lucyginger]

4 minutes ago, Woffy said:

A stand that doubles as an ashtray.

The alterative is to aim to flick the ash into the pan via the small triangular hole between your legs and the seat, taking into account pube bushiness and proximity of red hot fag end to genitalia.

Ooh no, I can't smoke while I poo. Way too risky. 

[lucyginger]

Just now, Woffy said:

That and putting a top on with a fag in yer mouth.

You're a madman! 

[Woffy]

1 minute ago, lucyginger said:

Ooh no, I can't smoke while I poo. Way too risky. 

Edit - went too far!

Edited January 22, 2016 by Woffy

[Woffy]

1 hour ago, Scruffylovemonster said:

You sound like me five years ago - apart from I'm sure you're older. I got that down to a fine art eventually. Arms in first, widen neck hole and dive in. 

Now I've typed that I don't understand why it's not. Arms in first. Put fag in hand. Put head in. 

Feel free to finbarr all of the above to your heart's content. 

 

Due to my apparently advanced years I'm far too mature for Finbarrs*

 

 

 

*blatant lie.

[slash's hat]

2 hours ago, Woffy said:

That and putting a top on with a fag in yer mouth.

Vision of Robert Carlyle in the full monty there only in reverse

[not worthy]

On 1/19/2016 at 1:17 PM, Woffy said:

The technical term for this is an 'Angel'.

As in 'I gave birth to an Angel'.

So good you don't have to wipe (but do anyway).

Enters the water like a high diver who receives a perfect 10.

Woffy, I thought naming it an 'Angel' was inspired until the following happened

An evening visit to the loo, and to my joy, I gave birth to an Angel.

Now armed with the appropriate terminology I walked into the front room where my wife and two daughters were located and declared ' I gave birth to an Angel'.

At this point I learned two things.

1 - my girls are too young to understand that daddy technically can't give birth but that I must be declaring one of them an Angel. They both looked on in happy, if slightly competitive, anticipation of which one was worthy of the accoldade

2 - my wife already knew the expression and looked duly disgusted/disappointed

Walked out and took the dog for a walk

Cheers Woffy, pal

[Purple aki squat]

19 hours ago, Gnomicide said:

I've seen them and frankly I'd rather opt for one of these...

You wipe your arse with that?

[Woffy]

5 hours ago, not worthy said:

Woffy, I thought naming it an 'Angel' was inspired until the following happened

An evening visit to the loo, and to my joy, I gave birth to an Angel.

Now armed with the appropriate terminology I walked into the front room where my wife and two daughters were located and declared ' I gave birth to an Angel'.

At this point I learned two things.

1 - my girls are too young to understand that daddy technically can't give birth but that I must be declaring one of them an Angel. They both looked on in happy, if slightly competitive, anticipation of which one was worthy of the accoldade

2 - my wife already knew the expression and looked duly disgusted/disappointed

Walked out and took the dog for a walk

Cheers Woffy, pal

You're most welcome, NWorthy

I think this is my proudest ever moment on eFestivals!

Now if only you could get the dog to give birth to Angels too.

[The Placid Casual]

Woffy is the king of this thread!

[H.M.V]

5 minutes ago, The Placid Casual said:

Woffy is the king of this thread!

He knows his shit

[The Placid Casual]

Just now, H.M.V said:

He knows his shit

I found this much funnier than I should have.

[Woffy]

4 minutes ago, The Placid Casual said:

Woffy is the king of this thread!

What an accolade!

I'm considering writing a memoir of my time and experiences spent on the loo at work.

I've made no secret of this in here, but we aren't allowed the internet at work nor mobile phones in buildings so all my weekday day-time posts are covertly made from various shitters in the building. Rarely actually whilst shitting.

Working Title: 'All The Shit I've Heard At Work'.

I also try to read 50 pages a day on the ancient Romans whilst hiding in the crapper.

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

We've got a toilet roll holder similar (but not the same) as the one below;

Evertime I go in to the loo the roll is in the position that it 'falls' at the rear ie nearer the wall. Obviously being of sound mind and judgement I reverse this immediately to the opposite way. Then when I go back in at a later date I am dismayed to find that it is, once again, back in it's old nearer the wall position. I don't know what to do Marjorie. Can you advise?

[sedra]

Obviously a whole one in the morning, or flat roll and wet wipes  Then travel tissues and wet wipes through the day. 

[lucyginger]

Yog, just keep changing it. We all know you're right, you know you're right, the culprit will soon realise it too.

woffy, I like to work out how much I've been paid to poo. Do you do that too? 

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

5 minutes ago, lucyginger said:

Yog, just keep changing it. We all know you're right, you know you're right, the culprit will soon realise it too.

woffy, I like to work out how much I've been paid to poo. Do you do that too? 

I'd love to believe you lucy but I fear that this may be a lifelong thing.

 

By the way, there used to be a great 'thing' which if you put in your salary and pressed a button when you went for a poo and pressed it again when you got back from said poo, told you how much you had earned while poo'ing. I'll see if I can find it.

[Woffy]

2 hours ago, Yoghurt on a Stick said:

I'd love to believe you lucy but I fear that this may be a lifelong thing.

 

By the way, there used to be a great 'thing' which if you put in your salary and pressed a button when you went for a poo and pressed it again when you got back from said poo, told you how much you had earned while poo'ing. I'll see if I can find it.

The Poo Timer, Yog.

It replaced the clock on your Microsoft home screen...if that's what it's called.

I had one for years until the Government decided that in order for us to manage public sector and government owned buildings properly we shouldn't have anything other than the default factory settings on our desktop. Screensaver of your holiday or your new kid? FUCK YOU!

Until that point I knew exactly how much I'd earned whilst taking a shit. And how much my shits were taxed.

Weird really. My taxes contributing towards paying my own wages, including when I was taking a shit, and those shits taxed, those taxes going towards my wages, which I'm paid, even whilst shitting, which is taxed.

It's a weird elliptical defacatory tax system. The Romans came close when taxing urine, mind you.