Getting over a break up?

[russycarps]

A lot of supposition there. Do you really think you know couchy?

of course not, none of us do. But he's put it out there on a public forum so we are just speculating and making educated guesses as to the situation. Hopefully some things that some people have said have helped him in some way.

[jump]

You treat life like it's a pantomime?

Sure, I dress in drag, sing songs and fight Captain Hook on a daily basis.

[russycarps]

I don't think she's consciously using Couchy, she probably doesn't know what's the right thing to do. I wouldn't.

You are no doubt right. But the 4 text thing has unsettled me. It seems a little excessive. I dont see how she can possibly think sending 4 texts in a row will be doing him any favours. Surely you'd take the hint wouldnt you.....

It just sounds like this is more about her trying to satisfy her own needs rather than her caring about his.

Edited November 7, 2014 by russycarps

[feral chile]

I'm playing up the role she's heartless as that's part of the course of a break up, it's like panto where you boo the villain.

If he meets a girl and wants to make it serious then good luck to him but I don't see what the issue is with a casual relationship.

Because you're only looking at it from his perspective. What if the girl wants to make it serious and he has to dump her? Will you think it fair for him to be judged as a heartless bastard on a public forum for dumping her? Because it would be helpful for her to get angry?

Do you really think we can make moral decisions on the life choices people make for themselves, based on the emotional impact on the other person? The best any of us can do is to try to treat others sensitively, but we don't always know what the most sensitive option would be between equally painful ones.

[feral chile]

You are no doubt right. But the 4 text thing has unsettled me. It seems a little excessive. I dont see how she can possibly think sending 4 texts in a row will be doing him any favours. Surely you'd take the hint wouldnt you.....

It just sounds like this is more about her trying to satisfy her own needs rather than her caring about his.

I don't know. She might think something's happened to him.

[russycarps]

I don't know. She might think something's happened to him.

Yeh maybe.

"he cant possibly live without me!"

[feral chile]

Yeh maybe.

"he cant possibly live without me!"

Well if she's feeling guilty and stressed enough...for all we know, she could be thinking, 'the bastard! He knows I'm worried sick about him, why has he cut off all communication? Why can't he just let me know he's Ok instead of all these mind games?'

The point is, we don't know where her head's at, I'm just showing alternative possibilities.

[jump]

Because you're only looking at it from his perspective. What if the girl wants to make it serious and he has to dump her? Will you think it fair for him to be judged as a heartless bastard on a public forum for dumping her? Because it would be helpful for her to get angry?

Do you really think we can make moral decisions on the life choices people make for themselves, based on the emotional impact on the other person? The best any of us can do is to try to treat others sensitively, but we don't always know what the most sensitive option would be between equally painful ones.

Lots of what ifs and questions I take are rhetorical. I suggested viewing her a c**t and actually getting angry about the situation not as the first/best option, a long term solution or even mandatory for every break up but as merely as another option mainly because the lets be friends stuff wasn't working to the point it was creating more harm whilst other advice wasn't working for them.

It would be great if people could break up amicably but it's not the case and as wrong as being piss off and angry about a break up is so is being repressed and zen about it is too.

[feral chile]

Lots of what ifs and questions I take are rhetorical. I suggested viewing her a c**t and actually getting angry about the situation not as the first/best option, a long term solution or even mandatory for every break up but as merely as another option mainly because the lets be friends stuff wasn't working to the point it was creating more harm whilst other advice wasn't working for them.

It would be great if people could break up amicably but it's not the case and as wrong as being piss off and angry about a break up is so is being repressed and zen about it is too.

There's nothing wrong with feeling angry about the situation, what you feel is what you feel. Acting on it and apportioning blame is different though.

What I'm uneasy about, though, is going beyond commiserating, and actually being critical of her. Has it occurred to you that it might backfire and make him feel more loyal and protective of her?

[russycarps]

Well if she's feeling guilty and stressed enough...for all we know, she could be thinking, 'the bastard! He knows I'm worried sick about him, why has he cut off all communication? Why can't he just let me know he's Ok instead of all these mind games?'

The point is, we don't know where her head's at, I'm just showing alternative possibilities.

I'm glad you are offering your perspective, it is making very interesting reading and is giving food for thought.

My understanding is he told her some weeks ago that he didnt want to hear from her (maybe I'm wrong with that). There comes a time when she will have to accept it is no longer her place to worry about him. He's back home with his parents now anyway, so it's a pretty flimsy excuse for breaking his no contact request. It's not like he's holed up in a grotty bedsit somewhere all alone in the world.

[jump]

There's nothing wrong with feeling angry about the situation, what you feel is what you feel. Acting on it and apportioning blame is different though.

What I'm uneasy about, though, is going beyond commiserating, and actually being critical of her. Has it occurred to you that it might backfire and make him feel more loyal and protective of her?

At the point when I suggested it he was posting multiple messages in the early hours saying how she was perfect/wonderful but hadn't called him etc it's hard to imagine him being more loyal and protective and really needed to take that image away from her.

[feral chile]

At the point when I suggested it he was posting multiple messages in the early hours saying how she was perfect/wonderful but hadn't called him etc it's hard to imagine him being more loyal and protective and really needed to take that image away from her.

There are no easy answers. It's hard to let go of the last 7 years. For both of them. They both will have to deal with it in the best way they can, until time lends a healing hand.

[russycarps]

There are no easy answers. It's hard to let go of the last 7 years. For both of them. They both will have to deal with it in the best way they can, until time lends a healing hand.

I think you have forgotten that she dumped him completely out of the blue and was off with someone else days later. And had probably been lining up this new fella while they were still together.

If it's hard for her, too bad. She brought it on herself. Why should it be up to him to help her through this difficult period?

This is not an equal situation. I am amazed at your impartiality.

[jump]

There are no easy answers. It's hard to let go of the last 7 years. For both of them. They both will have to deal with it in the best way they can, until time lends a healing hand.

I've not said othwerwise but time isn't even a guarantee, my girlfirend's 100 year old Aunt is still heartbroken from a relationship from 50-something years ago.

[feral chile]

I think you have forgotten that she dumped him completely out of the blue and was off with someone else days later. And had probably been lining up this new fella while they were still together.

If it's hard for her, too bad. She brought it on herself. Why should it be up to him to help her through this difficult period?

This is not an equal situation. I am amazed at your impartiality.

We only know the one side of things. She might disagree with a lot of this. I'm not suggesting that Couchy is deliberately misrepresenting anything, but often when a relationship breaks down, one partner is completely surprised, while the other says they've been trying for a long time to get the situation resolved. Even people who have been together for a long time don't always understand the seriousness of those 'we need to talk' conversations.

People don't randomly go off with someone else after 7 years. This wasn't sudden. You don't switch emotions that quickly.

Edited November 7, 2014 by feral chile

[jump]

We only know the one side of things. She might disagree with a lot of this. I'm not suggesting that Couchy is deliberately misrepresenting anything, but often when a relationship breaks down, one partner is completely surprised, while the other says they've been trying for a long time to get the situation resolved. Even people who have been together for a long time don't always understand the seriousness of those 'we need to talk' conversations.

People don't randomly go off with someone else after 7 years. This wasn't sudden. You don't switch emotions that quickly.

Yeah, we're not sure of the details but you could make the argument of why didn't she say something sooner or suggest working on the relationship rather than going straight into a break up. This isn't me trying to paint her the villain but if there was a problem in my relationship of years my first instinct isn't to ignore it and then break up with her.

Edited November 7, 2014 by jump

[feral chile]

Yeah, we're not sure of the details but you could make the argument of why didn't she say something sooner or suggest working on the relationship rather than going straight into a break up. This isn't me trying to paint her the villain but if there was a problem in my relationship of years my first instinct isn't to ignore it and then break up with her.

Well if Couchy is anything like my other half, he probably just zoned out in any of those 'serious' moany conversations women call resolving problems and men call nagging.

he's always surprised when something blows up into a serious argument and thinks it came from nowhere, because he hasn't listened to the many times I've tried to discuss it calmly.

[jump]

Well if Couchy is anything like my other half, he probably just zoned out in any of those 'serious' moany conversations women call resolving problems and men call nagging.

he's always surprised when something blows up into a serious argument and thinks it came from nowhere, because he hasn't listened to the many times I've tried to discuss it calmly.

Are those kind of arguments more done to the other half not respecting the other one enough to listen to them/take action or because of the washing hasn't been put away or wahatever the thing is though?

[feral chile]

Are those kind of arguments more done to the other half not respecting the other one enough to listen to them/take action or because of the washing hasn't been put away or wahatever the thing is though?

well they'll start off being about something like the latter, and then because of non response will turn into that of the former.

The last one was because I was panicking about not being able to get the washing dry, and because he wasn't helping think of a solution, turned into an emotional 'lack of support, leaving me to deal with everything on my own' type of one.

Edited November 7, 2014 by feral chile

[jump]

well they'll start off being about something like the latter, and then because of non response will turn into that of the former.

The last one was because I was panicking about not being able to get the washing dry, and because he wasn't helping think of a solution, turned into an emotional 'lack of support, leaving me to deal with everything on my own' type of one.

The ones I normally have is either me nagging her to actually turn up on time to things since she's constantly late (& made worse by me generally being early to everything) or her nagging me to stop playing computer games during our "quality time"/whatever tv series she's currently watching but I don't see how these things minor things lead to a break up unless it's about the other person not respecting the other which is a much bigger problem in the big picture.

[russycarps]

The ones I normally have is either me nagging her to actually turn up on time to things since she's constantly late (& made worse by me generally being early to everything) or her nagging me to stop playing computer games during our "quality time"/whatever tv series she's currently watching but I don't see how these things minor things lead to a break up unless it's about the other person not respecting the other which is a much bigger problem in the big picture.

agreed, there is a difference between not paying much attention to someone asking you to wash up and someone suggesting the relationship is failing and they are going to leave you....

he's got dumped out of the blue. There were no discussions about it beforehand. No hints.

That says a lot about her character.

Edited November 7, 2014 by russycarps

[kaosmark2]

I also don't think it's helpful to imply that there may have been little things Couchy was doing to upset/ignore her that he might focus on as a source of regret.

[fred quimby]

he's got dumped out of the blue.

So says he. She may have been screaming "I f**cking hate you, stop watching me shit" for some time plus others yet he really hasn't taken these hints as something is wrong and in his head laughs "funny little thing". Then bam she's gone.

Not saying that couchy just a point of view. I still don't like her for kicking bunnies

[feral chile]

I also don't think it's helpful to imply that there may have been little things Couchy was doing to upset/ignore her that he might focus on as a source of regret.

Yes, I'm sorry if I've given that impression. I'm just trying to say that whatever was wrong needed to be discussed, because something must have been wrong. This wouldn't have come out of the blue. Communication isn't always straightforward, though. First you've got to be able to work out yourself what's wrong, and then you have to explain that to someone else.

And also, they then have to be able to see why it's a big deal.

We all carry some emotional baggage around with us. Say, for instance, the washing up represented something to do with respect, maybe her father wouldn't do women's work and treated her mother like a slave, the washing up may represent neglect or abuse to her.

We all have our emotional triggers, and we don't always understand themourselves.

(My personal story is an illustration of that, by the way, because what was bugging me had nothing to do with the washing. and nothing to do with my husband's generally excellent level of support).

Edited November 7, 2014 by feral chile

[kaosmark2]

Yes, I'm sorry if I've given that impression. I'm just trying to say that whatever was wrong needed to be discussed, because something must have been wrong. This wouldn't have come out of the blue. Communication isn't always straightforward, though. First you've got to be able to work out yourself what's wrong, and then you have to explain that to someone else.

Communicating isn't easy, except when it is.