Getting married and having children - is it so strange as a woman I don't want either?

[Guest]

I've been thinking. Everyone on Facebook is getting married or pregnant. I'm not having a go at people who think marriage is a wonderful thing but I just don't see the point? If you're already happy in a relationship and living together and not religious - why? People always say it doesn't change you as a couple to get married. People are getting divorced at the drop of a hat so it just makes it all seem so meaningless? Everyone is doing it too and not questioning the point in my eyes? Any married couples who can enlighten me or people who share the same views? I understand it's romantic - but is marriage to someone forever being realistic?

The same with babies - everyone is getting pregnant now who are same age as me (28) and I just can't see the appeal. Maybe I'm just not maternal or not prepared to lose such freedom, money or sleep. People say you'll feel different as you get older, or if you're with the right guy. I disagree. Should I have a child because everyone else is? Will it make me happy? Is it my reason for living to create another me? Any one with similar thoughts or anyone with children who think my view is all wrong? I'm open to opinions and in advance don't mean to upset anyone married or with children - it's just my thoughts

[bunique]

My best friend just got divorced. It took 3 years. Hardly "at the drop of a hat" and very traumatic for all concerned (they have a child). Not what any party set out for at the point they decided to get married.

Does it make the slightest difference to your life if friends get married or have children? I love being married. I love being a parent. Doesn't mean you have to

[russycarps]

Marriage is generally a vast waste of money.

Kids......at 28 it's perfectly normal not to be interested by the prospect out children.

[bunique]

Marriage? Or the wedding? It doesn't cost any more day to day to be married than it does to live together

[kaosmark2]

Hang out in less judgemental social circles

[Guest]

Hang out in less judgemental social circles

[feral chile]

It should only be an issue if marriage is important to one or both of you. My husband finds the concept of marriage more meaningful than me, because of family reasons rather than religious or wider social ones. And back in 1979, there was still a social stigma to being a child born out of wedlock, at least where we're from, so since I wanted children, I was in favour of marriage on social grounds.

I personally don't care about marriage itself, because loyalty and commitment don't have to have a piece of paper to enforce it - you either have it or you don't, and a legal ceremony shouldn't affect the strength of your relationship. These days, there's no stigma attached, either.

But some people like to make a formal, socially witnessed expression of commitment, and whatever rocks your boat, really.

[feral chile]

What do you mean by are their other issues here?

I haven't spoken openly to anyone about my feelings apart from of course my partner and close friends. I'm going to my 4th wedding this year - a 5th in December in less than 2 years of people in late 20s/early 30s so this is probably why friends are asking me. You don't want to offend those who strongly believe in marriage and having children. People have made massive hints that because I've bought a house the next thing is engagement, then marriage then little ones.just feels thats what people expect. I've even heard someone say how can a woman not want children - what is the point of life if you don't reproduce...

[feral chile]

The bit about socially witnessed - I personally think there's no need for it. I don't need to show people about my comittment to someone - surely that's not important. What's important is your day to day relationship with each other

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

I understand it's romantic - but is marriage to someone forever being realistic?

[feral chile]

I understand it's romantic - but is marriage to someone forever being realistic?

[rachbon]

Some people will assume that because you're a woman, you must want to have children and get married and you've probably had your wedding planned since you were five.

If you know what you want or what you don't want, then stick with it, and don't let others pressure you into questioning your choices.

I think people get married because they want to make a commitment to each other but I don't think you need marriage for that. Three of my friends have got engaged in the last few months and I'm really excited and happy for them because they all really want to get married. But me and my boyfriend aren't interested in getting married, and our married friends won't be any more committed to their relationships than we are.

If you live together, you've already made a commitment to each other and you don't need to do any more than that, but if you want to, go for it.

[Buff124]

On the having kids bit, dunno if this is of any help ? global population density per km2, plus the population clock. 2.6M igrowth since Jan 1.

/gallery/image/4307-world-population-density/%C2%A0">http://www.efestivals.co.uk/forums/gallery/image/4307-world-population-density/

http://www.worldometers.info/world-population/

Edited January 12, 2014 by Buff124

[grumpyhack]

Get married? If you have to ask, maybe you shouldn't.

Have children? If you have to ask, you definitely shouldn't.

As a general thought: we're not the same people at 40 that we were at 20. We grow and change - interests, ideas, outlook etc. If you're lucky your partner will grow and change in the same directions as you. But there is also the risk that you may grow apart.

To an extent the older you are the more set in your ways you are so, possibly, the less likely you are to change and grow apart. That said, my longest-married friends (still together after 40 years) married when they were only 20, so the above doesn't always hold.

As for having children - that's the first non-reversible decision you take in your life. You can get married and un-married. But you can't shove kids back where they came from. So that's one that really should take a lot of thought and consideration. Whether you're officially married or not, you need to be pretty sure about your future together before you take that step.

[feral chile]

Get married? If you have to ask, maybe you shouldn't.

Have children? If you have to ask, you definitely shouldn't.

As a general thought: we're not the same people at 40 that we were at 20. We grow and change - interests, ideas, outlook etc. If you're lucky your partner will grow and change in the same directions as you. But there is also the risk that you may grow apart.

To an extent the older you are the more set in your ways you are so, possibly, the less likely you are to change and grow apart. That said, my longest-married friends (still together after 40 years) married when they were only 20, so the above doesn't always hold.

As for having children - that's the first non-reversible decision you take in your life. You can get married and un-married. But you can't shove kids back where they came from. So that's one that really should take a lot of thought and consideration. Whether you're officially married or not, you need to be pretty sure about your future together before you take that step.

[kaosmark2]

A conversation about marriage seems to be almost entirely negative around these circles. The OP paints a picture of why bother when everyone is getting divorced at a drop of a hat...

[russycarps]

I think the big thing for lots of people nowadays, if that if you're not religious and there's no the societal pressure, what exactly does marriage change about a relationship?

What positives does marriage bring over a loving stable relationship?

I don't think the "what's the point" attitude is trying to be dismissive, but genuinely looking for answers. What about it could be beneficial to anyone?

[t8yman]

I'm (very happily) married, have been for almost 20 years now, have 2 great kids. I fucking love it, and wouldnt change anything (other than the amount of money the wedding cost) about it.

If you dont wanna do it, don't. But I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my days with my wife within hours of meeting her. I wasnt wrong (so far).

[kaosmark2]

I believe in two loving parents being their for a child.

[t8yman]

The contract has nothing to do with it for me, as in all honesty, our "contract" is probably invalid - I made promises to "god", and as an atheist - I aint keeping any promises to god. I just went along with everything they way we always did, I "did the right thing" at the time. I seriously doubt our relationship would be any different if we werent married, but that doesnt mean I'm not happy that we did make a contract.

We all know married couples who are dreadfully unhappy. Weddings and marriage arent the problem, people marrying the wrong people are the problem IMHO.

[LondonTom]

The answer is simple do what you want to do. If you don't feel the need to get married to your partner then don't. It's no big deal, it sounds to me like your might be a tiny bit of jelous that your friends are off getting married than anything else and you want others to justify not getting married.

Basically a marriage is a celebration of love between two people and how they want to express it weather be with an extravgant wedding or something simple that might mean something to the couple. No one should look down on the choice of someone if they do get married or if they choose not to.

As for children, if you don't want them you don't want them. Congratulations your keeping the population down and it's a good thing but your opinion might change as you get older, as maybe its your natural bodyclock telling you to have children.

Ease up do marriages/children if and when you want to.

[kaosmark2]

If you break up and you are not in negative equity selling the house and moving on is actually incredibly simple.

If you are married with kids and you split up. Not so simple. Unless you are happy to see the kids as some sort of fucked up time share investment. Many seem happy with this.

Its not about reading the future, its about foundations for your relationship, building a network of support. When / If you want kids it dwarfs (or least it should do) the seriousness you felt when buying an house. I personally hope you look for more a commitment from your other half than that measure but each to their own.

[grumpyhack]

I can understand silly god botherers like barry wanting to take part in this archaic, sexist ceremony. But normal people? you must be crackers.

[russycarps]

I didn'r expect to find myself defending Barry as a 'silly god botherer' but be fair Russy and have a bit of respect.

God ain't for me. But he/she/it is for some people and good luck to them. It frames a lot of their outlook. As long as you offer it as a way but don't force it on people that's fine.

[rachbon]

I didn'r expect to find myself defending Barry as a 'silly god botherer' but be fair Russy and have a bit of respect.