singles thread

[worm]

She might need some space to sort her head out then. She's made a mistake running to your cousin. It's complicated everything, for all three of you. She's managed to give all three of you 2 separate relationships to be reassessed.

That she has. I'm having nothing to do with my cousin anymore. I've always seen him throughout my entire life as a big brother and have forgiven his selfish everything. Not anymore.

[worm]

It is a sucky situation to be in worm but she clearly has problems and as difficult as it is to distance yourself from her there comes a point where you need to for both of your sanities or until she sorts out her 22-year-old head out.

24 now.

That's exactly what I'm trying to do. But it's hard when she's friends with /shagging my cousin. I've no doubt that I'll hear from her again once she gets over the novelty of her new job, new friends and new found independent front. I don't want anything more to do with her if she's touched my cousin though.

[feral chile]

That she has. I'm having nothing to do with my cousin anymore. I've always seen him throughout my entire life as a big brother and have forgiven his selfish everything. Not anymore.

It might be wise to keep your distance from both of them for the time being, If only to avoid saying something that escalates things.

Try not to make any permanent decisions regarding your cousin just yet. I'm sure you're well aware of how male family relationships work, rivalries etc.

I've a feeling your cousin's going to be having some deep regrets sometime soon. And this is a lifelong relationship she's tampered with here.

[worm]

It might be wise to keep your distance from both of them for the time being, If only to avoid saying something that escalates things.

Try not to make any permanent decisions regarding your cousin just yet. I'm sure you're well aware of how male family relationships work, rivalries etc.

I've a feeling your cousin's going to be having some deep regrets sometime soon. And this is a lifelong relationship she's tampered with here.

She destroyed a relationship with an old friend who stayed with me not long ago. She moved out and stayed in touch with me as her nana had died, but confided in him as we were clearly rocky. He declared his love for her and she was straight back to me. He had previous with me though. He did the same with a past ex. And my cousin has done the same with girls I've rejected before, but never with a girl that rejected me.

And you don't know my cousin. He doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself. He likes to help people out with advice, but it's all to fulfill his own role of all-knowing.

It already has escalated Feral. I had the police round. It's followed exactly the same pattern as the last time she rebounded. It's insane.

Edited August 4, 2012 by worm

[feral chile]

She destroyed a relationship with an old friend who stayed with me not long ago. She moved out and stayed in touch with me as her nana had died, but confided in him as we were clearly rocky. He declared his love for her and she was straight back to me. He had previous with me though. He did the same with a past ex. And my cousin has done the same with girls I've rejected before, but never with a girl that rejected me.

And you don't know my cousin. He doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself. He likes to help people out with advice, but it's all to fulfill his own role of all-knowing.

It already has escalated Feral. I had the police round. It's followed exactly the same pattern as the last time she rebounded. It's insane.

God what a mess! How good looking is this girl, that she manages to do this to 3 men?

If the police have already been round you need to keep a very cool head. There seems to be all sorts of intrigue and drama going on here - indirect cries for help in the night etc. it's heady stuff.

But keep focused on what's important. And that's honest and direct communication. And trust. Without them, you've got nothing.

And reflect on what you've been saying. This woman has been the cause of the destruction of 2 of your long standing relationships.

Is she worth it?

Edited August 4, 2012 by feral chile

[worm]

But keep focused on what's important. And that's honest and direct communication. And trust. Without them, you've got nothing.

We lost both of those things a while a go. And it's not about looks for me. It's about connection. But she's very attractive, as am I.

She said our post break-up communication was honest, but that's been severed. She failed to mention my cousin and told him lies about us. It's been lied about. She'd denied anything beyond friendship, but I don't believe her.

And reflect on what you've been saying. This woman has been the cause of the destruction of 2 of your long standing relationships.

My friend was always two-faced. There was no love lost. She didn't sleep with him mind. And my cousin has always been selfish. I just thought he had honour and self-respect, if not loyalty. He's wronged me many times. This is the last.

Edited August 4, 2012 by worm

[worm]

Is she worth it?

I wouldn't be going through this otherwise. Another tautology?

[feral chile]

I wouldn't be going through this otherwise. Another tautology?

Ah culty,

At the moment, the main thing I'm getting from what's happening is lack of trust. You need to let some trust into your life.

A couple of points: you should be able to trust people close to you. But also, sometimes people lie because they're afraid. So to establish your trust in them, you need to establish their trust in you. Not just that you tell them the truth, but that they can feel safe to tell you the truth too.

People are weak.

[worm]

A couple of points: you should be able to trust people close to you. But also, sometimes people lie because they're afraid. So to establish your trust in them, you need to establish their trust in you. Not just that you tell them the truth, but that they can feel safe to tell you the truth too.

I always knew it boiled down to trust. She rebounded before. It completely ruined the absolute trust I had in her. I don't know how to mend it. I've never questioned relationships before and people close to me have always said how naturally trusting I am. I suppose that's been brought into question and as it is an unquestionable part of my nature, I'm having major difficulty addressing it.

I'm one of the most secure, sincere and understanding people I know. That seems to have fallen apart recently.

[feral chile]

I always knew it boiled down to trust. She rebounded before. It completely ruined the absolute trust I had in her. I don't know how to mend it. I've never questioned relationships before and people close to me have always said how naturally trusting I am. I suppose that's been brought into question and as it is an unquestionable part of my nature, I'm having major difficulty addressing it.

I'm one of the most secure, sincere and understanding people I know. That seems to have fallen apart recently.

Because you have more to lose.

You need to accept that she's not perfect, that people screw up. That doesn't mean that you can't trust them. It means that idealistic expectations are replaced with realistic ones. That's when the relationship becomes really genuine, because it's based in reality.

She kept saying she missed her most 'intimate friend' and that she couldn't trust telling me everything.

You need to work on this ^^

i don't know whether she means this in a general sense, or whether there's something specific she's frightened to tell you.

You've said she's worth letting go of a friend and a cousin for. Then she's worth building an environment where she can come to you with anything. No matter how painful it is.

[worm]

i don't know whether she means this in a general sense, or whether there's something specific she's frightened to tell you.

Neither do I. I assumed she was referring to me in general. But then again...

You've said she's worth letting go of a friend and a cousin for. Then she's worth building an environment where she can come to you with anything. No matter how painful it is.

But that is one way stuff. I have to think about myself.

[worm]

You need to accept that she's not perfect, that people screw up.

I understand. She told me that she couldn't live up to my expectations. But some things are too much.

[feral chile]

Neither do I. I assumed she was referring to me in general. But then again...

But that is one way stuff. I have to think about myself.

Of course. I think you both need to sit down (you've probably already done this) and find out what you both want, and where your boundaries are.

And no accusations from either of you. Maybe you'll be able to reach a compromise. she'd need to accept that you're finding it difficult to trust her. And she probably needs to feel forgiven.

As for the rest, you'll both then have to decide if you could live with what the other feels able to give. If it's enough.

[worm]

Of course. I think you both need to sit down (you've probably already done this) and find out what you both want, and where your boundaries are.

And no accusations from either of you. Maybe you'll be able to reach a compromise. she'd need to accept that you're finding it difficult to trust her. And she probably needs to feel forgiven.

As for the rest, you'll both then have to decide if you could live with what the other feels able to give. If it's enough.

Yeah, but she won't have it. Instead, she runs away and the more I follow, the more she rebels. It's unsurprising that the very moment I establish no contact she stops the block on facebook and starts plastering stuff related to me on it again. Before that, it was all stuff about being promiscious and not giving a shit as a fuck you. And before that it was all to do with how independent she was and how much fun she was having. I just can't understand the logic.

And this intimate friend business has been applied back to xmas. She's been telling everyone, including my cousin, that we were just friends up until the split in late April. Is she just wanting to have me as her closest friend, while calling out to me because she's fucked things up with my cousin and wwants me to bail her out? Could a person actually be that selfish knowing how deeply the other feels for them?

I've never known anything like it before in my life.

[radish]

I've never known anything like it before in my life.

For what it's worth, you have my sympathy. Unfortunately, after about 14 years I am in a position where I have to get used to this dating bobbins again. So I may sneak on here occasionally for some pointers. And I don't know if it helps, or even if it should because if you think about it it's not actually that nice a sentiment, but my footer holds true. Some poor bastard somewhere is really having it beyond tough. On a night where it doesn't feel wrong to be patriotic (not nationalistic or xenophobic, just proud that a shitty little pack of islands can actually be great) and revel in human achievements, it doesn't seem like anybody should be making anybody else sad, but that's people for you.

[feral chile]

Yeah, but she won't have it. Instead, she runs away and the more I follow, the more she rebels. It's unsurprising that the very moment I establish no contact she stops the block on facebook and starts plastering stuff related to me on it again. Before that, it was all stuff about being promiscious and not giving a shit as a fuck you. And before that it was all to do with how independent she was and how much fun she was having. I just can't understand the logic.

And this intimate friend business has been applied back to xmas. She's been telling everyone, including my cousin, that we were just friends up until the split in late April. Is she just wanting to have me as her closest friend, while calling out to me because she's fucked things up with my cousin and wwants me to bail her out? Could a person actually be that selfish knowing how deeply the other feels for them?

I've never known anything like it before in my life.

First of all, there isn't any 'just friends' for a lot of women. For some of us, friendship is the basis of any relationship.

i think all you can do with this girl, is to back off, after telling her you'll be there for her if she needs you.

maybe she'll come back, maybe not. But if she's running when you chase, that's all you can do.

If she comes back, just say 'let's talk.'

to men, that's evil incarnate, but to most women, it's mannah from heaven.

[Rufus Gwertigan]

Feral has already said this but what do you want out of this? In all seriousness do you think that you are an emotional masochist?

[eFestivals]

I care mate. She isn't well. There's no getting through to her though. She'll be back needing my help again, but I can't do it anymore.

So in short, yes. Yes I am.

I'm still reading this as how you'd like to believe it is, rather than how it really is. That's me meaning that I'm reading this as you only 'care' to the point where you get to feel back in control, rather than rejected.

[worm]

I'm still reading this as how you'd like to believe it is, rather than how it really is. That's me meaning that I'm reading this as you only 'care' to the point where you get to feel back in control, rather than rejected.

You would.

Nah, it's peculiar. You back the fuck off, be at peace with everything and then all of a sudden they're attracted to you again. I think it's just an insecurity thing. Women don't trust insecurity.

[worm]

First of all, there isn't any 'just friends' for a lot of women. For some of us, friendship is the basis of any relationship.

i think all you can do with this girl, is to back off, after telling her you'll be there for her if she needs you.

maybe she'll come back, maybe not. But if she's running when you chase, that's all you can do.

If she comes back, just say 'let's talk.'

to men, that's evil incarnate, but to most women, it's mannah from heaven.

Reverse psychology.....

It wasn't so much backing off. There's always forms of communication and she has made sure that I get messages. I just made peace with everything and thought 'fuck it' and now everything seems really cool. Weird, but the drama would seem to be over. In my head anyway. Which probably means that she'll be back. How incredibly bizarre women are when it comes to relationships.

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

Could a person actually be that selfish knowing how deeply the other feels for them?

Yes, there are people who are that selfish. Fortunately they are in the minority but they are out there. Sociopaths are a fine example. I'm not saying your ex is one but you've mentioned she possesses a few of the traits of one - I'm sure you already know these but here's a tick list for convenience ( apologies to Neil in advance because I know this stuff drives him nuts.);

Profile of the Sociopath

• Glibness and Superficial Charm
  
• Manipulative and Conning
  They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.
  
• Grandiose Sense of Self
  Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."
  
• Pathological Lying
  Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.
  
• Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
  A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.
  
• Shallow Emotions
  When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.
  
• Incapacity for Love
  
• Need for Stimulation
  Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.
  
• Callousness/Lack of Empathy
  Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.
  
• Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
  Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.
  
• Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
  Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.
  
• Irresponsibility/Unreliability
  Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.
  
• Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
  Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.
  
• Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
  Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.
  
• Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
  Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.
  

PS - My ex had every single one of these apart from Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency (which she may have had but I wasn't around at the time to know about) and Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility. Look at those bullet points. I had 5 years of that. That was a mind fuck and a half. Still, I got through it and came out the other side a wiser person if a little scarred.

Edited August 7, 2012 by Yoghurt on a Stick

[Katster]

How incredibly bizarre women are when it comes to relationships.

People.

[Katster]

I haven't missed him. Not even once, not even slightly. There's something not right with me I reckon. How can you share your life with someone for over 4 years then not miss them when suddenly they aren't around? What is that all about?! People keep telling me it will hit me eventually, but people also said the same about my feelings on motherhood...

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

I haven't missed him. Not even once, not even slightly. There's something not right with me I reckon. How can you share your life with someone for over 4 years then not miss them when suddenly they aren't around? What is that all about?!

Maybe your just enjoying and prioritising your new found single status over your previous relationship, so that's helping you to get through it currently without thinking of your ex. Maybe you really needed this break more than you knew. I'm not sure, it's a tough one to answer as to why your not missing him.

[worm]

Profile of the Sociopath

Been over all that. The best label I could find was Borderline Personality Disorder. But then, she issued me with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Some traits were undeniable. But we're all fucked. It's simply this. People want to be themselves. And there's nothing better than being yourself with someone who finds you attractive. But people aren't always themselves. Life gets in the way and some of the underlying issues that people carry can't be dealt with by the other person.

That's all I've got....

Edited August 7, 2012 by worm