Virtual campfire 2009

[karlpowell]

Its friday joke time ...Ill go first

Whats got 4 legs and flys ? ? ?

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A dead horse

[darrenbha]

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy sex viz you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge 20 an hour.'

'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large

bedsprings and a duck caller.

'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he

had said, to her hands and knees.

'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

'You vill please to blow zis duck kwacker as I make love to you.'

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.) She

finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced al l over the room by the

energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is

the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several

minutes before she has enough breath to say,

'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'

'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is ze....

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Four-sprung

Duck technique

[karlpowell]

Very good that 1 Darren ....and you said you was shit at telling jokes

[darrenbha]

Well i thought i'd give it a shot this morning

[karlpowell]

unday Morning Sex

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply, in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."

[darrenbha]

[karlpowell]

Four Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,

The second man was an Accountant,

The third man was a Chemist,

The fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Test Tube, do your stuff."

Test Tube got up, walked to the fridge, took out a pint of milk, got a 500ml glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 400ml without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet

Ate the cookies

Drank the milk

Shat on the paper

Screwed the other three cats

Claimed he injured his back while doing so

Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions

Put in for Workers Compensation

Then

Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave

AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

[bertieb73]

Morning all...You will be glad to know I woke up on my own this morning. Not sure the chastity belt that Strudders got was meant for me though...it doesn't half chafe....

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.

The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)

(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

Edited February 13, 2009 by bertieb73

[karlpowell]

Hello .......Hello.................. * shakes darrens tent* HELLO YOU IN THERE ......*shakes bertieb's tent* ...... were the hell is everybody

[darrenbha]

some of us are trying to sleep dude whats the emergency

[karlpowell]

some of us are trying to sleep dude whats the emergency

Edited February 14, 2009 by karlpowell

[darrenbha]

Yeah no worries mate <hands karl skins>

[karlpowell]

TA .... sleep tight *mutters* lazy fookers

[Mardy]

morning

*saturday's papers*

*loaded up with stuff from the bakers*

help yourself.

[darrenbha]

Excellent Mardy, cheers for that, newspaper would be great

[karlpowell]

*makes fire with all crap from saturday papers*

[darrenbha]

>sits down by fire> just been to see mark e smith. Wow

[karlpowell]

>sits down by fire> just been to see mark e smith. Wow

[karlpowell]

I was depressed last night so i give Life Line a call , I ended up speaking to a call centre in Afganistan , When I told them I was suicidal they got all excited and asked if i could drive a truck.

[strudders]

*Pokes his head out of the tent*

Nope........

*zips tent up again and giggles*

[darrenbha]

>snores loudly>

[BlackHole2006]

I know it's a bit late but:

Why did the snooker player go to the toilet?

Because he wanted to pot a brown.

Cheers,

BlackHole2006

[buzzbox]

My skins are wet...

[darrenbha]

Here you go I've got some dry ones

[darrenbha]

>wanders back into camp> I've picked up fish and chips for everyone