Amusing Glastonbury Quotes

[angelheaded hipster]

Just remembered - another that really got me was just as Leonard Cohen started, standing only a little back from the barrier:

First girl: 'Which one's Leonard Cohen?'

Second girl: 'He's the old guy at the front.'

She wasn't trying to be funny or anything either, so it was really deadpan and serious. Made me laugh so much I had to turn around and tell her how funny that just was! Might well be another that's not so funny now, but gave me a really good chortle at the time...

[HorseboX]

On the wednesday a couple trundle past the acoustic stage stop in awe and say "Wow! THAT must be the main stage!"

Imagine their disapointment when they were at the front of the crowd screaming for Jay Z and up steps Gilbert O'Sullivan!

[devnull]

My best one of the year was when we were in a big crowd and I started making "baa" noises, then our group started on mooing.

Someone said "we must be like Micheal's cows off for milking". Some guy turned round, looked me straight in the eye and said:

"My teats are engorged"

We almost pissed ourselves.

Quote two is "I smite my cock by the name of Allah!"

[ding dong]

On the wednesday a couple trundle past the acoustic stage stop in awe and say "Wow! THAT must be the main stage!"

Imagine their disapointment when they were at the front of the crowd screaming for Jay Z and up steps Gilbert O'Sullivan!

[ashbowe]

heard a bloke on the last day shouting for some chewing gum as he was getting married and had lost his toothpaste

[Filthy]

A lovely guy I met, Dave, said at one point in the early hours of Thursday "I'd date rape myself"

Cue hysterical laughter from the rest of us and him picking up the unfortunate nickname of Date rape Dave for the rest of the weekend

[staggerlee]

Funniest snippets of conversation that I can remember were one on Weds or Thurs when a guy walked past talking about having sex with a polar bear, and that was literally all I heard. Can't remember the exact quote now, but something along the lines of 'yeah, but it's not the same as f**king a polar bear'. I didn't hear a single word that came before or after which made it all the funnier.

Then a couple of girls, one of whom said 'yeah, I was at Jack Penate and a fight broke out at the front'. Don't know if it's that funny now, but made me laugh for about ten minutes at the time.

[jameshunt]

My missus and I were returning to our camp one night when she said in a loud voice:

"Only stop if you find fudge!"

It had me in fits and even when she got the double meaning she didn't find it as funny as I did.

[drat]

Lying in our tent one morning listening to people walking past

<random bloke> If it all goes tits up, give me a blow job but just to keep me warm

No idea if that line worked but it made us chuckle

[weefreemen]

My mate getting excited cos "jack black from the red stripes had just joined the last shadow muppets on stage". Made me wet my knickers.

[GlastoNewbie]

Hahaha im giggling away to myself reading these!

Sunday night sat round the campfire with a few of the neighbours, one girl totally off her face on god knows what, starts talkin about spontaneous human combustion..if that wasnt bad enough she came out with 'We burn like peanuts!!!'

Scouse lads in the next tent, one of them had pulled a girl called Julie - heard him say 'arrr ey Jules come in my tent, this is where the magic happens!!!' and the next morning after she left they were discussing whether or not anything had gone on, he was denying it all, then i heard 'did u get a suck then lad?!' Nothing funnier than scouse banter!!

[TheBoyInTheBubble]

I was sat down at the top of the Pyramid Stage and I heard some lad in his early twenties come out with one of the most romantic lines ever...

"With you in those shorts all weekend, when we get home I'm doing you up the arse"

They were very, very short shorts.

[goldfishboy]

Guy with an SLR camera is taking a photo of this other guy reclining in a hammock on the Jazzworld field:

Inquisitive girl : What kind of lens are you using?

Deadpan cameraman : Gay lens.

[joelg]

Soundcheck on the Other Stage on Friday morning

"E, E, E, what does it stand for, cas-ual-ty"

Had me in stitches all weekend

[angelheaded hipster]

Sounds like he was quoting 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas' to me.

[The-Sir]

Waiting for Manu Chao to come onstage at the Jazz world, some fella was looking for a girl named Sarah. He shouted for her, then me and some lads standing around me took it upon ourselves to help him. Doubtless, cries of "SARAHHHH!" could be heard from the stone circle. A fella behind joined in. "SARAH!" "SARAH!" "FRANK!" "FRAAAAANK!" "WHERE ARE YOU JULES!" "ANTOUS!" "ANTUOOSSSS!!!!" "JAMAL?!" "WHERE ARE YOU CHAZZA!"

[Storm_NL]

Waiting for Manu Chao to come onstage at the Jazz world, some fella was looking for a girl named Sarah. He shouted for her, then me and some lads standing around me took it upon ourselves to help him. Doubtless, cries of "SARAHHHH!" could be heard from the stone circle. A fella behind joined in. "SARAH!" "SARAH!" "FRANK!" "FRAAAAANK!" "WHERE ARE YOU JULES!" "ANTOUS!" "ANTUOOSSSS!!!!" "JAMAL?!" "WHERE ARE YOU CHAZZA!"

[passsty]

I took part in the following conversation with a mate in the stone circle at about 5 in the morning. Bear in mind we're completely spannered.

Me: "So, what car park are you in?"

Mate: D, i think?

Me: "D? You sure? The car parks are numbered!"

Mate: Oh.... erm.... Orange then, i think.

Me: "............. I'm going to f**king bed, man."

Also, in 2005, a gang of about 8 of us joined the railway track at the Glade and headed towards the Lost Vagueness. To ease the boredom of the packed trudge along, we struck up a chorus of the jingle from the Bodyform Sanitary Towel adverts ...

"WOOOOOOOAAAAAAH! BODY FOOOO-OORRM!!!! BODYFORM FOR YOOOOOOUUU!"

By the time we'd got to the turn off for the stone circle, practically everybody in 50 metre radius was belting it out. We changed plans and decided that as LV was going to be rammed, we'd head up towards the stone circle instead.

I'll never forget how much we were pissing ourselves laughing as we listened to this absolutely massive chorus of people, trudging along, screaming the Bodyform jingle at full voice disappearing into the distance.

Good times!!

[Storm_NL]

I just remembered....

About 0345hrs Sunday morning....

On the road, approaching the Leftfield tent...

The only person who can better Underpants or Pigeon-on-a-Stick in a game of Flag-Wielding Festival Top Trumps....

The Man With The Wolves Flag!!!!!

Seemingly leading about 20 bedraggled, but happy, festivalgoers in a rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody... complete with all the instrumental bits and everyfink!!!

What they lacked in tunefulness, then made up for in enthusiasm and cheer.

Only at Glastonbury....

[rosie.dixon]

haha, one year myself and a friend (who were completely annihilated) had an argument with a bin that went on for a good 30 mins because we didn't like the way it was looking at us

[rosie.dixon]

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA i laughed so bad!!

[sufcmatt]

On The Friday Last Year It Started Raining.

Everyone Began Putting On Anoraks & Coats.

I Took Off My Top And Started Shouting At People.

"What's Wrong With You People! It's Only A Shower!"

"It's Only Rain! It's Not Gunna Kill You".

"Come On Get Your Coats Off" etc...

I Was Pretty Drunk But It Was Rather Amusing.

[Red_Eye_Jedi]

Me & My mate on thursday late afternoon after a few smokes..

we had decided to meet up infront of the pyramid stage

so i phone him up

"Where are you?"

"I'm infront of you? can't you see me?"

"what?! WHY LIE!? YOUR NO WHERE NEAR ME!"

"Yes i am, i'm looking right at you? "

"STOP WITH ALL THESE HORRIBLE LIES!"

"Mate.. you have lost your mind?"

Then he comes and taps me on the shoulder so i said

"Oh, There you are.. WONDERFUL! I'V BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU FOR THE PAST HOUR! "

He was laughing his head off.. i didn't understand why untill the next morning though..

Ah, the wonders of glastonbury!

[dj267]

2008, the cinema tent. It's Kill Bill Volume 1. The scene where Uma thurman is paralysed because she'd been in a coma for months and months. She scrapes along the floor, desperately, harrowingly, clawing her way to freedom. Her legs are limp, flaccid shadows of their fomer selves. Everyone in the cinema tent watches, dumbsturkc, hoping this will never appen to them. The tent is silent - everybody is watching on tenterhooks, to see if she'll make it. The only sound is her grunting as she tries to escape.........

Then, at the back, someone SCREAMS: "LAZY BITCH!!!!!!!!!

the entire tent pisses themselves.

[Rainy day woman]

2005. I think it was the Friday morning after the big down pour. Woke at about 9.30 to my wild eyed friend coming through the porch of my tent asking 'Do rabbits have periods?'

Turns out she woke up thirsty and drank a bottle of what she thought was vimto. Turns out it wasn't. Another friend had helpfully brought along a couple of bottles of 'mushroom pop'.