Virtual campfire 2009

[fairyinboots]

Ewwww please do not make the coffee on the fire!!

Or use the other side of the fire.

Evening all.

[karlpowell]

Cliff richard arrives in china for his far east tour ,a chinese lady rushes up to him and says welcome to china i am your no 1 fan ,

Cliff says thankyou i am glad to be here ,the lady asks cliff "can you sing the sore itchy fanny song for me" ! cliff told her she must have the wrong person as he never swears or sings dirty songs ,

No its your song replied the women please sing it ,by this time cliff richard was getting annoyed "i have never seen a fanny let alone sung about one" and asked the women to go away, or sing it for him....... she sung ......

ITCHY SORE FANNY HOW WE DONT TALK ANYMORE

[strudders]

LOL Karl cracking....

Fairyinboots... No we have a second fire here for that now!

[darrenbha]

Our special miniature coffee preparation fire.hey karl. Good weekend mate. Hi fairyinboots. Did you want some of strudders fruit and nut mix

[fairyinboots]

oooo fruit and nuts, thankyou.

Shall we have a milky coffee, as there is so much milk to have?

[strudders]

OOo Thats a good idea, if you skim just off the top of the chiller it will be almost pure cream...

[darrenbha]

Creamy coffee. Even better. Waters ready. Here you go everyone

[fairyinboots]

*gets milk ready*

ANyone else for milky coffee?

[darrenbha]

Does anyone want any of these fresh cream cakes with their coffee

[karlpowell]

* unzips tent* Shit more snow ..... * jokes joint* ... mmm i think i might become a squirral then i can sleep all winter . *zips tent back up*

[StrettonHills]

*drops back the mini-motorbike*

Man!

just ridden that thing back from white hart lane

never again!

morning

[darrenbha]

Can i borrow that spinks. I'll shoot over to grab some bacon rolls

[karlpowell]

*drops back the mini-motorbike*

Man!

just ridden that thing back from white hart lane

never again!

morning

[darrenbha]

But karl there's way to much mischief to be had between now and then

[StrettonHills]

Seriously Darren dont do it!

No suspension and those knobbly tyres!

But i did stop off at the bottom of the hill and bought these bacon rolls

Few more in the bag for anyone else

[karlpowell]

But karl there's way to much mischief to be had between now and then

Edited February 9, 2009 by karlpowell

[darrenbha]

Thats a very accurate prediction karl. How come. Are you joinin us for bacon rolls

[karlpowell]

just to quote the looking for men thread ...this made me spit my brew on my monitor

I always thought "Casual Sex" meant you didn't have to wear a tie.

Edited February 9, 2009 by karlpowell

[darrenbha]

We have plenty of brown sauce mate

[karlpowell]

*skips back to camp* YEAH i just got my solfest tickets

[darrenbha]

and so the summer starts to come together eh karl

[karlpowell]

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except stella.

Barman asks, "What's wrong with stella?"

Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint."

Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs the same."

Bloke replies, "Skint is my dog..."

[karlpowell]

I got stuck in the snow on the way home the other night and had to sleep in the car. It was no fun, let me tell you - I was hungry, lonely and f* *king freezing. I barely slept a wink.

In the morning the snow had melted a bit and I was able to continue on my way. Having had such a shit night, I decided to go round to my girlfriend's house. When I got there I parked outside, looked up and saw her at her bedroom window. She looked so happy to see me. Suddenly I was overcome with emotion because I was so pleased to see her too. We've been together for three years so far and had some wonderful times. I know it may sound soppy and over-the-top but, at that moment in time, there was no-one else on Earth that I wanted to be with. She was the one.

I got out of the car and made my way towards her front door. The front lawn was a blanket of untouched snow and, with my girlfriend still watching me, an idea crossed my mind. Giddy with emotion, I stepped onto the lawn, got down on one knee and began to carve a message in the snow, letter by letter...

JENNY, WILL YOU MA...

I looked up and could see her starting to breathe heavily, trying to smile as her eyes welled up with tears...

...KE ME A CUP OF TEA AND A SANDWICH?

That was 4 days ago, and the bitch still isn't speaking to me.

[bertieb73]

Evenin all (Bert doffs cap)

It's bleedin cold isn't it?!?. Think I will have to buy a second sleeping bag at this rate.

Excellent gags as always Karl...Try these for size if you haven't already seen them.

Letters sent into Viz..........

Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person

> present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not

> having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the

> RAC have more responsible employees.

> The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of

> heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living

> too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish

> they'd make their minds up.

> John

> 'Disneyland - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.

> Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

> I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a

> mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loses

> around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I

> would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the

> extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.

> L Palmer, London

> With reference to Mr Palmer's previous letter. I am also married to a

> Taiwanese lady, but nobody ever asks me if she is a mail order bride.

> But perhaps that's because I am also Taiwanese. And we live inTaiwan.

> Lo Chi Chang, Taipei

> The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD

> pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make

> from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they

> stop breaking the law, so will I.

> Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just

> like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wifes

> growler. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?

> On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in

> Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've

> obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.

> Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What

> about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about

> galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.

> Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with

> the exception of 'There is Nothing Left to Lose' by the Foo Fighters. I

> hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid

> sense of humour.

> I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My Dad

> is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.

> What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being

> the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

> When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I

> was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the

> lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!' Funny,

> but the poor sod's face told a different story.

> I was being chased by a police dog last week, and made the mistake of

> trying to escape through a little tunnel, over a see-saw and through a

> hoop of fire. It finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some

> sticks.

> I don't know why cigarette manufacturers put those big warning stickers

> on the side of their packets. If anything, it is likely to put people

> off buying the product.

> Forget Prince Harry and his fascist ways, whilst eating a Birdseye

> Potato Waffle the other day, I was sickened to be able to fashion a

> crude swastika from the compressed starch matrix. And their Alphabites

> are no better. After carefully selecting a plateful, I was able to

> spell out 'Hitler is nice' if I used a z on its side for an n. Howlong

> are the frozen food giants going to be allowed to get away with this?

> 'You never close your eyes any more when I kiss your lips...' wrote the

> Righteous Brothers in their 1964 hit. Well, to be fair, in order to see

> that your bird's not closing her eyes when you're copping off with her

> you would have to have your eyes open as well. It sounds to me like

> they've both 'lost that lovin' feeling.' I reckon the relationship is

> dead in the water and they should end it now before they both get

hurt.

> The saying goes, 'See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'llhave

> good luck.' Well I beg to differ. I'm a matador, and whilst picking a

> penny up at work the other day I was badly gored in the anus. That's

> not good luck in my book.

> Milos el Standish, Barcelona

> I was shocked to hear Home Secretary say that Britain's prison

> population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the

> world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given

> 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can

> only dream of.

> On our wedding anniversary this year, my husband promised to treat me

> like a Princess. He was as good as his word: he took me for a meal,got

> completely pissed and on the way home crashed into a concrete pillar at

> 120mph, killing me instantly.

> If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney

> characters are Man Utd supporters?

> They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I

> regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky

> TV in my local.

> If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon and bacon?

> They say good manners cost you nothing. B*llocks. I sent my daughter to

> finishing school and it cost me twenty bloody grand.

> In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whosecapital

> cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos

> Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name

> of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will

> show a little more imagination in this century.

> Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems OK

> when I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty

> arguments begin. I will never understand women.

> We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to

> the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she 'bravely remained in

> London beside her husband' during the war. This contrasts sharply with

> the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war

> immediately left his wife and children and pissed off, first to

> France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany.

> The shame will always be with us.

> Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East

> End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a

> hero by the people of London. That's because he flew Heinkel bombers

> for the Luftwaffe.

> Werner Hoffman, Munich .

> I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young

> people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holdingup

> boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

> I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in

> the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other

one?

[darrenbha]

I'll pick myself up off the floor in a minute