Virtual campfire 2009

[darrenbha]

Will you be joining the morning run to the stone circle and back. Leaving pretty early. I'm gonna crash now. Night all

[fairyinboots]

Yep, see you in the morning for the run. See if we can run all the way up that hill!

Night night.

[karlpowell]

THIS IS HOLY WEEK

today is like Friday but its not

[karlpowell]

Bert before the prodigy come on can we have these lads

[darrenbha]

And tomorrow is friday and its good

[karlpowell]

And tomorrow is friday and its good

[darrenbha]

well and as its almost friday i'll kick off the jokes

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address or postcode. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is my birthday, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope..

Please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

A few days later, another letter came addressed to God and in the same hand. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely,

Edna

[karlpowell]

The Pope was having a shower. Although

he’s very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the

Papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of

the Holy seed flying through the air.

Hold on a minute! “, said the Pope, “You can’t do that - you’ll destroy the

reputation of the Church!”

“This is my lottery win,” said the photographer, “I’ll be financially secure

for life with these photos!”

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after much

negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of £2,000,000.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.

Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped

into his personal housekeeper.

Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, “That looks

like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much it cost you?”

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, “....two million Pounds...”

TWO MILLION Pounds! Replied the housekeeper, they must have seen you coming! “

[darrenbha]

A woman is very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "Ok, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."The woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "Ok now craw reery, reery fass back to me" So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

[karlpowell]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So they buried Debbie

[bertieb73]

Hi Karl. I'm at my virtual workplace with rubbish PC's and the link you posted to the band you want to appear before the Prodigy isn't working. Who are they mate and I will see what I can do.....??

This is quite funny if you haven't seen it before..

kids say the funniest things.....

>

> HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

>( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like

>sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the

>chips and dip coming.

>-- Alan, age 10

>

>( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to

>marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who

>you're stuck with.

>-- Kirsten, age 10

>

>WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

>( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by

>then.

>-- Camille, age 10

>( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get

>married.

>-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

>

>HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

>( 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at

>the same kids.

>-- Derrick, age 8

>

>WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

>( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids.

>-- Lori, age 8

>

>WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE

>( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to

>know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long

>enough.

>-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

>

>( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that

>usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

>-- Martin, age 10 (wise beyond his years)

>

>

>WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

>( 1 ) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the

>newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.

>-- Craig, age 9

>

>

>WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

>( 1 ) When they're rich.

>-- Pam, age 7

>

>

>( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with

>that.

>-- Curt, age 7

>

>( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should

>marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.

>-- Howard, age 8 (this one has very good morals)

>

>

>IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

>( 1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm

>never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed

>out.

>-- Theodore, age 8

>

>( 2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need

>someone to clean up after them.

>-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

>

>

>HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? ( 1 )

>There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

>-- Kelvin, age 8

>

>And the #1 Favorite is........

>

>HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

>

>( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.

>-- Ricky, age 10

>

[darrenbha]

Gerard Houllier sends scouts out round the World looking for a new striker to replace Emile Heskey and hopefully win Liverpool the title.

One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. So Gerard flies to Iraq to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down at home to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left. Houllier gives the young Iraqi striker the nod to go on and he takes off Emile Heskey.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When he comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

"Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me".

"Great," says his Mum, "let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time".

The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry". "Sorry!" says his Mum, "It's your bloody fault that we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

Oh and bert, have you got the prodigy booking sorted yet and who's on today

[darrenbha]

this could be an old one but................

Alex Ferguson calls Beckham into his office.

'David', he says, 'I need to talk to you about your performance against Leeds the other night, you were bloody hopeless, completely off form.'

'Sorry boss', says David. 'I've not been myself lately. I've got a few >problems at home.'

'Oh dear' says Fergie, 'Whats up? posh & the kids ok?'

'Oh, there fine, it's just that something is really bugging me and I'm >losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on my football and >it's really messing me head up.'

'Whatever's the matter?' says fergie

'Well boss, It's pretty serious. Victoria bought this jigsaw puzzle the other day and.........'

'A JIGSAW??' shouts Sir Alex. 'You're playing like that because of a >jigsaw?'

'Yeah boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing me head in!' says David, 'It's really hard, it's this picture of a Tiger and it looks really easy on the box and I'm sure i've got all the bits and everything but I just can't get it right and it's doing my head in and, and.........'

'David, David, David' says Fergie, 'You better get a grip son and quick.'

'Ok boss, but.............It's this picture of a Tiger and it looks really easy on the box and i'm sure i've got all the bits and everything but I can't do it and it's doing my head in and.......and....it's a Tiger and it looks easy but it's really hard and er, it's a Tiger and everything, er... on the box...er.....sorry boss.'

'Ok, Ok' says Sir Alex, 'bring in the jigsaw and let's have a look shall we. It can't be that difficult'.

'Thanks boss.' says David.

So Becks brings in the jigsaw and takes it to Fergies office.

'Here it is boss' he says, showing Ferguson the picture on the box, 'look boss, it's a Tiger right, and it's a really good picture and everything but I just can't do it and it's really hard and its doing my head in and everything..'

Becks empties all the pieces from the box all over Fergies desk.

Sir Alex looks at whats on the desk, looks up with his head in his hands and says to Beckham...........

'Put the Frosties back in the box David'.............

[karlpowell]

them are great bert ... the youtube video was of the courteenas not 19 forever

[bertieb73]

Today's running order on the Campfire Stage

12.00 The Macc Lads (with a guest appearance from Cliff Richard on backing vocals)

14.00 Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick And Titch and the Hoff

16.00 Slipknot (In a Barbershop Quartet stylee)

18.00 Vengaboys (Accoustic Set)

20.00 Altern 8 (Gas masks supplied-Not for the fashion but Karl is having beans for his tea)

22.00 The Prodigy featuring guest MC John Craven

Should be a good day.

Karl - Just getting my PA to speak to The Courteeners management now...I will let you know how they get on...

[karlpowell]

Today's running order on the Campfire Stage

12.00 The Macc Lads (with a guest appearance from Cliff Richard on backing vocals)

14.00 Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick And Titch and the Hoff

16.00 Slipknot (In a Barbershop Quartet stylee)

18.00 Vengaboys (Accoustic Set)

20.00 Altern 8 (Gas masks supplied-Not for the fashion but Karl is having beans for his tea)

22.00 The Prodigy featuring guest MC John Craven

Should be a good day.

Karl - Just getting my PA to speak to The Courteeners management now...I will let you know how they get on...

Edited April 9, 2009 by karlpowell

[darrenbha]

can't wait for the 4pm slot, that'll be interesting

[karlpowell]

20.00 Altern 8 (Gas masks supplied-Not for the fashion but Karl is having beans for his tea)

as well these boots have not been off my feet for days and stink real bad even when your outside

[darrenbha]

20.00 Altern 8 (Gas masks supplied-Not for the fashion but Karl is having beans for his tea)

as well these boots have not been off my feet for days and stink real bad even when your outside

[karlpowell]

HAPPY EASTER

[darrenbha]

less than an hour til the hoff hits the campfire stage

[bertieb73]

Can't wait to see the Hoff. I thought Cliff Richard was a good laugh and knew all the words to Filthy, Fat and Flatulent and also Minge Pies and Mistletoe.

[darrenbha]

yeah, i was quite surprised myself

[karlpowell]

i did like his solo in sweaty Betty , and how well he does she is the biggest sl@g in mac

Edited April 9, 2009 by karlpowell

[darrenbha]

now bert, i know you have to keep these things hush hush but someone told me that billie pipers joined slipknot for the day. any truth in that