One Day
So often I have tried to understand,
The complex workings of my mind.
Why I am. Who I am.
Yet still no answers I can find.
In turmoil between heart and head,
Wanting live, wishing I was dead.
Hate and love. Confusion and clarity.
Why can't life be simple instead?
Will I be alone forever?
Is this how life will always be?
If I just stop to observe but still hope,
Will there be someone who wants me?
So many things I do not know.
Maybe it's better to take time to breathe, take things slow.
One day life will be as I dream.
One day…
…I'll be ok.
-- - -
The Explanation
Red angry marks and faint white lines
A map of my pain and the tears I've cried
Rows of secrets, ordered in years
A not so subtle way of, displaying my fears.
Alone but also in clusters
It takes all my might to muster,
An explanation for my markings
That cover the surface of my being
Ten years of anger and torment
This the only way that i can vent
A maladaptive way to cope
One that destroys yet also creates hope.
Many friends think they know me so very well,
Yet hardly any know of this personal hell
A hell that manifests itself in ways that are not fair,
A hell that is defined in the scars that I bear.
- - - - -
Unfair
Unfair by me
Stuck in a downward spiral,
My thoughts running away with time.
Trying to make sense of my actions,
To understand what feelings are mine.
Alone, yet not alone really,
In mind but not in soul.
Trying so hard to clamber my way out,
Of this deep depression, this black hole.
Will this craziness consume me?
Perhaps only time will tell.
Will I ever free myself,
From living in my personal hell?
Some days are good, some bad,
Some are neither, nor do I care.
I just want these feelings to stop,
I just want my life to be fair.
- - - - - - -
Lost Souls
They say the eyes are the window to the soul
A place where secrets lie
But all I see is a never ending hole
A place full of the tears I've cried
Maybe if I'd looked closer
I'd have seen the sadness in your eyes
I should have taken notice
Of when your love for me died
Or maybe it was never there
It was a mirage I imagined, made up
Something that was never real
Wouldn't that be just my luck?
Still my heart keeps beating
Even though you broke it in two
And still part of me needs you
Though I'm not sure I'll ever trust you
Why do I want what I cannot have?
Why do I cry all these tears?
Maybe it's because this happened
Now I have to face my greatest fears.
Of being alone, of being scared
Of not knowing what to do
Of trying to cope, take this all in my stride
But the hardest, is to stop loving you.
- - - - - - - -
Fade Away
I'm like a book without a page, like a play without a stage.
Like a bird without a feather, like the sun without the weather.
I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say.
Faster, and faster, my life fades away.
What do you see, when you look into my eyes?
A handful of cries, someone who tries...
Who tries to remember, how to explain
How they could cause, all of this pain.
So sit back and think, before you complain...
Complain about your life, and all that you need.
At least you had the chance, the chance to succeed.
So don't be afraid, of what you lost.
'Cause what I lost, my life it cost.
Before I go, I want you know.
Life is a treasure, cherish it forever.
Enjoy each day, before you fade away.
- - - - - -
i had a whole book of them somewhere but i think i've lost it
EDIT-i found the book
So i came across a book/collection of poems i wrote from when i was 15-18! Haha i warn you they are mostly depressing/emo/crap but i thought i'd share them..with intros as well.
- - - - -
First up an angst ridden poem about strong emotions...haha. I can't remember who i wrote this about but suffice to say they must have made me feel pretty shite...
Hate
If there's on thing i know, its that you hate me
That's why you make me feel so bad
I can tell, by the way you look at me
You must enjoy making me feel so sad
I know, life really ain't woth the trouble
It seems to have got me in.
The way you screamed, shouted at me
Why my "crimes" really so much of a sin
You've taken away life's meaning,
Which is pretty damn typical of you
I hope you're happy now
'Cos this is my goodbye from me to you
This feeling i have inside of me
Has probably sealed my fate
The feeling which is killing me
Is the one, the one called hate
- - - - - - -
Next up, one which still strikes a chord. I wrote it when my Grandad died in 2001. A poem i later left at his grave. (btw i refer to him as gan-gan cos when i was younger i couldn't pronouce grandad so thats what stuck!)
Wish You were Here
I miss you.
Why did you have to die?
I'm sorry everytime, i stand beside your grave
All i can do is cry
Gan-Gan I wish you were here
I miss you.
We all foundit hard to say "goodbye"
I guess we just weren't ready,
To let go but not understand why.
Gan-Gan i wish you were here
I miss you.
You were always there for me,
The best grnadad someone could wish for,
And the best person there ever could be.
Gan-Gan I wish you were here
I miss you.
I know we can't bring you back now
If only you'd never gone away
If only you were here, back with us
Even it was just for one more day
- - - - - - -
This one was written when i was 15. I guess it reflects my state of mind at the time. I was depresed back then and it was around thetime i was being bullied. Anyway judge for yourself
Sweet Sixteen
It used to be every so often
that i got this way
But now its becoming more frequent
I feel this pain everyday
I'm happy one moment,
Its like i'm feeling on a high
Then i feel so sad, so low
And i just want to die.
Why death becomes more appealing to me
I just do not know
Maybe i think i'll be happier
Free from this freak show
I wish i didn't feel like this
I don't know if i can cope
Whether I'll live to be sweet sixteen
We'll just have to pray and hope
- - - - - -
The next 3 poems were written around the same time. I warn you i wasn't thinking clearly when i wrote them (maybe you can tell). I've never shared them with anyone before. The reason being they were written just after I'd OD, and i think the last one is the nearest thing to a suicide note. They aren't great poems but they do serve as a reminder of the lowest i've been. thankfully i've never felt as bad since then.
Suicdal Tendancies
I don't know what to do
i'm scraed and afraid
Scared i'll do something stupid
Treble the problems made.
My head is spinning
I feel sick in my gut
Wish i'd not f**ked up
Wish i'd kept my mouth shut
Don't know how much longer i'll last
Got to make it through today
I need to know how to make it stop
And make these feelings go away
I've got suicidal tendancies
I'm screwed up in my head
Need to find a way to sort this out
Before i end up dead
-
Make it Stop!
Make it stop!
Take me back to happier days.
Make it stop!
This isn't "just a phase"
Make it stop!
I don't really want to die.
Make it stop!
I'm sick of living this lie.
Make it stop!
Cure this pain.
Make it stop!
Don't let me take my life in vain.
Make it stop!
Help me last a few more years.
Make it stop.
I cry out for help but no-one hears.
-
Sorry
I need to tell you how i feel
Before i do what i have to do
I need to to know that no matter what
I'll always love you
I need to tell you why
Why i'm doing what i am
I need you to know that,
Its not that i don't give a damn
i need to tell you this
I'm sorry for what happens to me
I need you to know that
I never meant for you, to pay the greatest fee
I love and i'm sorry
Please forgive me
- - - - - -
Ok... this was after my hnan had died, well on the year anniversary of that i think. Anyway here's another one
And I Remember...
One year later
And I remember
Six years later
And i remember
Two grandparents gone
And i remember
Illness and suffering
And i remember
Two people loved
And i will never forget.
- - - - - -
Amusing the inspiration for this poem came from the fact i always seem to write poems when i'm down. And yes..i wrote a poem about it.
The Poem
Why do these poems bring me comfort?
Is it beause i am to weak.
Not strong enought o talk about it,
My grief silences me, I cannot speak.
In my times of greatest need, deepest sorrow
I put my pen to paper and write
My emotions flow onto my canvas
In times of darknes, i can see light
Sat alone, i am deep in thought
Yet no-one else, my secrets i can tell
Instead i engrave it to this paper
My own, dark and personal hell.
- - - -
One i wrote not so long ago. (ok so maybe my mind is still a bit screwed up)
Reasons
No real reason for living
No point in me existing
Not knowing my place
Yet hanging on, just in case
Maybe, this wasn't a mistake
Reasons for living
Reasons for dying
Reasons for giving up
Reasons for still trying
Please let me right this wrong,
Please, let me be gone
I no longer wish to be me
Please just let me soul be free.
- - - -
AND FINALLY my only published poem =] It was published in an anthology called "Emotions" and i have a copy of it if you want to see the proof!
Forget, Forgive
Sometimes life moves so fast that it is hard to keep up,
And sometimes we hurt the ones that we love.
We say things we don't mean,
Words that cause hurt and suffering.
then we try to take it back,
To stop the pain, and get "us" back on track.
hoping out loved ones will forget and forgive
Ignore the foolish words we've said but yet,
They don't and they still hurt, but they still love
And that's what keeps us strong, when times gte rough.
FORGET, FORGIVE.
LOVE, LIVE.
And thne alone, and empty shell
We condemn ourselves to hell
- - - -
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