[Things that annoy you ?]

• Jonathan Ross

• X Factor

• People who stand on the left hand side of escalators even though people are waiting for them to walk up them

• Twats who don't move down the carriages on trains blocking people trying to get on

• Nobheads on xbox live swearing at people thinking they're hard, or other online twats who have 'BNP' as their clan tags. Well done. How controversial.

• People spitting

• Rude people

• Clive Tydesley

• People continually swearing in front of kids

• The same mates being VERY late every time we're meeting up. 8.30 means 8.30, not 9.30 or 10. Inconsiderate c**ts...

• American Football

• Kaiser Chiefs/Kasabian

• Glory hunting football fans and their identikit families - in Dudley

• The wonderful rail service in Great Britain

• Snow and the hysterical overreaction to it - particularly in the media

• Sepp Blatter

• Bolton

• Christmas lights before December the 1st

• My job

• People's atrocious moods when Christmas shopping. Just go on Amazon if you're a miserable c**t who hates people - like me.

• People who sample my ale, say 'actually, that's really nice' then go back to their piss-tasting Stella because they don't want to look like an untrendy Real Ale drinker

• Ignorant arses who moan about Glastonbury being 'shit' because of one headliner they don't like

• Fussy people who complain about the slightest thing, even when there really isn't ANYTHING to complain about

• As a learner driver - complete f**ktards who think they're big and clever when they cut you up, overtake, ANYTHING to get past you

• Ross Noble and Dylan Moran - I really do want to like them like practically everyone else, but I honestly don't get what is remotely funny about them. What am I missing?

More later. I'm in a very grumpy mood today.

[funny pick up lines]

Share a pick up line that you find funny.

I just found this today:

Baby I’ll treat you like my homework — I’ll slam you on the table and do you all night long

LOL