Colour Supplement - 26 October 2006

Time for yet another quick dip into the world of e-festivals colour supplement - the only supplement that guarantees not to have a hundred weight of advertisements drop out onto your foot when take it out of it's cellophane bag. You can expect the normal line-up - so if you don't like it, now will be the time to flick to the end of the supplement to see if there any adverts for cheap lingerie or viagra.

But first, a word from this week's supplement sponsors; the Singles Thread in e-festivals Wibble.

"Feeling lonely? Looking for companionship or more? Why not take advantage of e-festivals very own knocking shop singles thread? Just leave your details and let us do the rest ..... boy looking for girl? girl looking for boy? small farmyard animal looking for evil lunatic with ambitions of world domination? We've got everything covered. And being the liberated, open-minded people that we are, tell us of all your wants and desires, especially of the intimate kind, so that we can blackmail you later find your perfect partner."

Quite. It also says here that if the ladies could send their details and a picture of themselves (preferably at home in the bath) to the Single's thread self-appointed head of Quality Control at Peevis' e-mail address. Interesting.

Anyway, onwards. To the postbag, which is absolutely full to the brim this week. Firstly I have an e-mail here from a popular board member, asking if I can recommend anything for her nasty, saggy, fatty rump. Well without actually seeing it myself, I can't ascertain the extent that it's lost it's original shape - but my advice would be to get someone to give it a good beating until it's very red and mostly tender. I prefer to use my pan handle myself, although some ladies swear by a filthy snozzcumber. You'll be able to see if it's usable by pushing your fingers down hard on it and seeing if they leave a white mark. Failing that, just fry it off with some mushrooms and make risotto out of it.

Another query here from a new correspondent to the blog. He writes that his wife has been demanded that he baste his meat in oil, whilst he prefers to cover a couple of large breasts in his special sauce. I don't know what kind of blog you think this is pal, but that's frankly filth. I'll be pleased if you refrain from writing that poorly written, blatantly obvious and barely hidden double entendre in future.

Some news just in, from our sponsor. Apparently a popular board member has posted on the singles thread that she is looking for someone to beat her rump until it's very red and tender. Only those with a large pan handle need apply, as she's saying it's very large and will need at least something around the 500mm mark in order to accommodate her properly. I'm assuming she means a wok.

Now, competition time. I asked you to complete the following famous song titles "I'm getting married ....... ". Now the answer was of course "in the morning" - and not, as several of your wrote "over my dead body". Second was "There is nothin' like a ... ". A few of you guessed correctly that the answer was "There is nothin' like a dame". However, a few of your answers struck me as being, well if not illegal, certainly highly unethical - and if you are reading this Peevis, I've passed your details onto the Royal Society of the Protection of Birds for their review. Finally, "And spoonful of sugar helps the ...... go down ". The answer is of course "medicine". I'd recommend you'd need more than a spoonful of sugar to get down what our old friend "Vestibule 75" suggested - and possibly some mouthwash afterwards.

Sports news. Last week, we reported with news of the annual hot air ballooning championship. This very column predicted a comfortable win for Cultseeker, he of the endless supply of hot air. Well - in an amazing turn around, it would appear he has run out of his endless supply of hot air. Cultseeker, who was the bookies' favourite to win at odds of 3-1, ran out of steam yesterday afternoon somewhere over wibble. He has been out of radio contacts since, with only occasional monosyllabic posts coming through. One can only hope that he managed to affect repairs and is back to his high-flying self soon ; certainly this commentator has not seen anyone with his natural flair and skill for going over people's heads.

Another word from our sponsor. The lady with the fatty rump has indicated that she would be prepared to buy her own sugar, and mouthwash if required. Fascinating. If it wasn't for a share of the profits from the photos of women in the bath that Peevis is selling, this sponsorship deal would be dead in the water.

And finally, some community news - it's the sifiblog annual celebration of a non-specific religious nature - and everywhere the bunting is up, the ribbons are being tied into hair and events are being organised all across the community. There's going to be traditional Morrissey baiting in the V-festivals thread, a talk on the ancient hippy tradition of not washing for a week in the Glasto Festival threads, but I myself will be heading into the jokes forum where the perennial favourites of e-festivals, the nudist leapfrog team, will be putting on a display, and prizes for the most 'original' leap. I'm interested not so much in what kind of leap it is, more where they are planning to pin the rosette for first place.

Cheerio.