The Joke Thread

[maelzoid]

 

 

[Ted Dansons Wig]

Singing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is only ever a whim away

[Ayrshire Chris]

Bored today, weather awful so might  as well lower the tone of this thread

woman runs into the doctors and says ive taken steroids and grown a cock

doc says ‘Anabolic’?

no she says, just a cock

 

[oneeye]

I bumped in to a Dalek in the pub last night, claiming he was from Devon, so I asked him 'what part of Devon you from mate?'

He replied 'Exeter mate! Exeter mate!'

Edited December 23, 2021 by oneeye

[oneeye]

I said to the baker 'how come all your cakes are 50p but that one's a £1'?

He replied 'That's madeira cake'

[Ayrshire Chris]

Thieves stole a lorry load of red bull

i don’t know how they sleep at night 

[Crazyfool01]

36 minutes ago, Ayrshire Chris said:

Thieves stole a lorry load of red bull

i don’t know how they sleep at night 

Deleted … bullshit joke 

Edited December 23, 2021 by crazyfool1

[Ayrshire Chris]

2 minutes ago, crazyfool1 said:

Deleted … bullshit joke 

You’re stalking my jokes😉 

[Ayrshire Chris]

Right, try this one @crazyfool1

whats the difference between people from Saudi Arabia and people from Abu Dhabi?

Those from Saudi don’t like the Flintstones but those from Abu Dhabi do 

[oneeye]

How do you tell the sex of an ant?

Drop it in water, if it sinks girl ant, if it floats...

[bamber]

Last summer, I was living near the beach and went surfing most mornings, early. After my surf, on my walk home, I passed the beach shop not long after it opened for the day, and outside they had a basket with three inflatable dolphins in it, for sale, small medium and large.

Daddy, Mummy and baby.

First morning I walk past the beach shop and I hear the baby inflatable dolphin grumbling about how squashed he is at the bottom of the basket. Not a happy dolphin bunny. Hey Ho, it's only a baby inflatable dolphin eh?

Next morning, same thing, baby inflatable dolphin grumbling about how squashed he is, but this time he lifts his little inflatable flipper up to the large Daddy inflatable dolphin, and he he finds the valve, and lets a little bit of air out. This means baby inflatable dolphin has a more comfortable day and sleeps better that night. Happier baby inflatable dolphin.

Next day, as usual, I'm walking past the beach shop and hear the baby inflatable dolphin again grumbling, but this time I see him lifting his little inflatable flipper up to the medium mummy inflatable dolphin, and letting a little bit of air out, ensuring his spot at the bottom of the basket is a little more comfortable.

Next day, same again, the baby inflatable dolphin again grumbling about his lot in life and how he is still squashed up most of the time. Then I see the baby inflatable dolphin get a glint in the eye, and a moment of self-revelation... He does not speak now, but he reaches down with his little inflatable flipper and opens his own valve and lets out a little bit of air. Instantly he is more comfortable and has the best sleep that night, better than he has had all summer.

Following day though, I'm walking home past the inflatable dolphin basket, but this time it is all kicking off. Daddy dolphin is kicking off to be specific.

Waving his big inflatable flipper at baby dolphin he is vigorously chastising him saying, Look son, you've let me down, you've let your mother down, but worst of all, you've let yourself down.

 

Edited December 26, 2021 by bamber

[Ayrshire Chris]

On 12/23/2021 at 4:04 PM, oneeye said:

I said to the baker 'how come all your cakes are 50p but that one's a £1'?

He replied 'That's madeira cake'

Wrongly given downvote.removed!  Sorry 

[oneeye]

8 minutes ago, Ayrshire Chris said:

Wrongly given downvote.removed!  Sorry 

No probs 👌 

[Neil]

i've just seen that the bristol cat cafe has shut down, where will cats get a coffee now when they're shopping?

[Ayrshire Chris]

14 minutes ago, Neil said:

i've just seen that the bristol cat cafe has shut down, where will cats get a coffee now when they're shopping?

They could use a Purrcolator