The Joke Thread

[ShakeyCrash]

Mickey Mouse is in court as he has filed for divorce from Minnie Mouse.

Minnie Mouse’s Lawyer: I’m afraid it is not a sufficient reason to grant you a divorce just because my client has bad teeth!

An exasperated Mickey Mouse: it’s not because she has bad teeth, it’s because she’s fucking goofy.

Edited November 26, 2019 by ShakeyCrash

[BlueDaze]

8 hours ago, HalfAnIdiot said:

me at the Ridge and Furrow

[Ayrshire Chris]

I got hit on the head with a bottle of cod liver tablets

luckily my injuries were only super fish oil 

[AlParkin03]

I can never trust stairs. They’re always up to something.

[Ayrshire Chris]

I hate Russian dolls

they are so full of themselves

(as told by the bar steward sons of val doonican , Avalon stage)

[ShakeyCrash]

Little Timmy: Mum, why are you pushing our car off a cliff?

Mum: Shut up or you’ll wake your father

[Crazyfool01]

4 hours ago, BlueDaze said:

me at the Ridge and Furrow

When we’ve sorted these ticket things I’ll find u and bring you in  ( actually the likelihood is that you will probably find me first  ) 

[HalfAnIdiot]

12 hours ago, Yoghurt on a Stick said:

Nah, don't join him. He'll be over soon enough, anyway. He's going to down that glass of red, then down a shed load more, and then he's going to approach you. He'll initially blurt out something so pissed up and nonsensical that your basic instinct to be nice will kick in, and you'll encourage him to speak some more - thereby giving you grace to actually digest what he said previously. Your plan wont work though, as the previously spoken words will then finally sink in to your mind, and be registered by your brain. It is at that point that you will realise that this drunk piece of pasta has almost rabid designs to get in to your friend's Farfalle's pants, and failing that 'yours'. Don't sweat it though, as you'll only cook yourself and then get eaten by one of those humans. I know that it'll be very difficult for you, but your best chance is to look as out of date as possible. Yes, I know that this is almost impossible for a piece of dried pasta, but it's the best chance you've got.

All the best.

 

PS - That could be the story of my life, that could. lol

That's pasta-joke. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'll get my coat..... 

[Ayrshire Chris]

Our school is sponsored by Ikea

assembly takes ages now 

[Avalon_Fields]

The protest march:

What do we want?

Hearing aids!

When do we want them?

Hearing aids!

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

On 11/26/2019 at 12:23 PM, HalfAnIdiot said:

That's pasta-joke. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'll get my coat..... 

I don't suppose you'd get my coat while your at it, as I have a feeling that I'm going to need it after this?

 

My wife thinks I’m an idiot because I’m building my own car out of spaghetti, macaroni and fusili.

She wont be laughing when I drive pasta!

 

[maelzoid]

Four businessmen; a Brit, an American, a German and a Japanese man, are on the golf course taking in eighteen holes.

 

As they walk up to the first green they hear a ringing sound. The Brit pulls out a receiver from his golf bag and takes the call. Hanging up, he notices the admiring glances of his fellow golfers and informs them: “Oh, it’s the latest thing in British invention.”

 

A few holes later they are disturbed again by a ringing sound. This time the American starts talking into his wristwatch. Following the call, he tells the other chaps. “It’s a smart watch. The latest thing in American innovation…”

 

Following a couple more holes again they are disturbed by a ringing sound. This time the German chap jams a thumb in his ear and starts talking into his pinkie finger. Following his call he explains “The phone is surgically implanted in my hand – the latest thing in German efficiency.”

 

The four golfers have nearly finished their game when the familiar ringing sound interrupts them again. The Japanese businessman, quick as a flash, scurries off into the bushes near the fairway. After a few minutes he has not returned and out of concern, the other three follow him into the rough to investigate. There they find him – squatting with his trousers and pants round his ankles.

 

“I won’t be long,” he explains, “I’ve just got a fax coming through….”

[Bisque]

My favourite joke:

Why should you never buy Ukrainian underpants?

 

Because Chernobyl fall out.

 

”because your knob will fall out” for divs

Edited November 27, 2019 by Bisque

[Crazyfool01]

1 minute ago, Bisque said:

My favourite joke:

Why should you never buy Ukrainian underpants?

are you going to leave us hanging by a thread ?  

[Bisque]

Also the Frankie Boyle joke about nothing sadder than seeing dog walkers pick up dog shit on Mock The Week.

 

Glenn Moore at EdFringe had a brilliant joke about Dignitas & a speedboat.

[Bisque]

I’m not lying, the joke about walking a dog got me a job when I said it in a job interview.

 

[oneeye]

I had a hen who could count her own eggs. She was a mathemachicken.

[oneeye]

I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.

It's about raisin awareness.

[oneeye]

And an oldie that still makes me smile...

When it comes to understanding binary, there are 10 types of people, those who do and those who don't.

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

 

Three old cowboys joke.

Frank, Raph, and Jed had just finished their supper by the camp fire and broke out the jug of whiskey. Passing around the jug, they started bragging about their dangerous escapades throughout their lives. Frank says, "I remember one time I was crossing a stream and a 12 foot grizzly bear that was fishing for trout attacked me. I wrestled with that bear for three hours before I finally was able to draw my knife and kill it." "Aw, that's nuthin'" says Raph, "once when I was ridin' across the prairie, my horse stumbled in a gopher hole and I fell off into a hole full of diamondback rattlesnakes. I started shootin' em in the head, fast as I could till I ran outta bullets. Then when they'd strike, I'd grab em and bite their heads off." Jed just stood there stokin' the fire with his penis.

[HalfAnIdiot]

8 hours ago, Yoghurt on a Stick said:

I don't suppose you'd get my coat while your at it, as I have a feeling that I'm going to need it after this?

 

My wife thinks I’m an idiot because I’m building my own car out of spaghetti, macaroni and fusili.

She wont be laughing when I drive pasta!

 

That's just nonsense, in fact I refusilli to belive it... 

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

2 hours ago, HalfAnIdiot said:

That's just nonsense, in fact I refusilli to belive it... 

I think it's very pici of you to take that view point. I also think that you should caramelle down, before you have a heart attack. 

[HalfAnIdiot]

4 minutes ago, Yoghurt on a Stick said:

I think it's very pici of you to take that view point. I also think that you should caramelle down, before you have a heart attack. 

You win ?

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

1 hour ago, HalfAnIdiot said:

You win ?

Quite the contrary - you killed me with your last post. I up voted it because the pain was simply too much for me, and I did it in the hope that you would stop it. The up vote was an homage to The Master. I simply couldn't mentally take any further deterioration away from consensus reality. Mind you, there would be those that say that I don't have a handle on that anyway - weirdos!

[Bisque]

9 hours ago, Yoghurt on a Stick said:

 

Three old cowboys joke.

Frank, Raph, and Jed had just finished their supper by the camp fire and broke out the jug of whiskey. Passing around the jug, they started bragging about their dangerous escapades throughout their lives. Frank says, "I remember one time I was crossing a stream and a 12 foot grizzly bear that was fishing for trout attacked me. I wrestled with that bear for three hours before I finally was able to draw my knife and kill it." "Aw, that's nuthin'" says Raph, "once when I was ridin' across the prairie, my horse stumbled in a gopher hole and I fell off into a hole full of diamondback rattlesnakes. I started shootin' em in the head, fast as I could till I ran outta bullets. Then when they'd strike, I'd grab em and bite their heads off." Jed just stood there stokin' the fire with his penis.

Just laughed out loud in front of a about 50 people by the pool like a mental.