The Joke Thread

[Crazyfool01]

5 minutes ago, stuartbert two hats said:

I was about to do that, I suspected it had already been done!

if it has its not been on the lineups ive seen ?

[Sundance]

On 6/14/2019 at 10:34 PM, barkley87 said:

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

 

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

 

The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50

 

The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 300 billion.

 

The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.

 

The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. The first guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.

 

The second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.

 

The third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

 

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.

 

The first guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him anymore.

 

The second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.

 

The third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.

 

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.

 

The first guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."

 

The second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."

 

The third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."

This had me howling ?

[oneeye]

Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy.

 

 

 

[Ayrshire Chris]

I found a tenner outside Tesco’s today

then I thought , what would Jesus have done in that situation

so I went back into the shop and turned it into wine. 

[mashedonmud]

??????????????????

What did the fish say when it bumped it's head? 

 

 

 

 

Dam. ?

 

 

 

 

Edited November 24, 2019 by mashedonmud

[Crazyfool01]

4 minutes ago, mashedonmud said:

??????????????????

What did the fish say when it bumped it's head? 

 

 

 

 

Dam. ?

 

 

 

 

That left me floundering for a few seconds  

[mashedonmud]

6 minutes ago, crazyfool1 said:

That left me floundering for a few seconds  

? 

[philipsteak]

6 hours ago, Sundance said:

This had me howling ?

Thank you for quoting this. Rereading it made me laugh just as much this time as it did when first posted.

[a6l6e6x]

What do you call a dog that's magic?

A labracadabrador

[John the Moth]

3 hours ago, mashedonmud said:

??????????????????

What did the fish say when it bumped it's head? 

 

 

 

 

Dam. ?

 

 

 

 

Just popped in to make the very same joke except I was going to go for extra jollies by saying Kendrick Lamar’s fish!

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

3 minutes ago, a6l6e6x said:

What do you call a dog that's magic?

A labracadabrador

Please don't take offence a616e6x. However, I can't fight against the external forces which come directly from Alpha Centauri, and in to my head, any longer. I've tried wearing one of these (see link below) to try to stop 'them', but 'they' always get through;

https://www.zapatopi.net/afdb/

Anyway, I can tell that you too suffer from those forces, and suspect that you, like me, don't actually want to. Apparently the people in the places listed below can help;

 

Ashfield Local Mental Health Team

Millfields Centre, Millbrook Mental Health Unit, Mansfield Road, Sutton in Ashfield, NG17 4JT Tel:  0115 956 0858

Bassetlaw Local Mental Health Team

Mental Health Department, Bassetlaw Hospital, Kilton Hill, Worksop, Notts, S81 0BD Tel: 01909 572001

Broxtowe & Hucknall Local Mental Health Team

The Hope Centre, Dovecote House, 38 Wollaton Road, Beeston, Nottingham, NG9 2NR Tel: 0115 854 1271

City Central Local Mental Health Team

Highbury Hospital, Laurel Suite, Highbury Vale, Bulwell, Nottingham, NG6 9DR Tel: 0115 956 0841

City East Local Mental Health Team

Stonebridge Centre, Cardiff Street, Carlton Road, Nottingham, NG3 2FH Tel:  0115 876 0153

City North Local Mental Health Team

Marlow House, Waterford Street, Old Basford, Nottingham, NG6 0DH Tel:  0115 955 5360

City South Local Mental Health Team

Stonebridge Centre, Cardiff Street, Carlton Road, Nottingham, NG3 2FH Tel:  0115 844 0525

Gedling Local Mental Health Team                      

Manor Road, Carlton, Nottingham, NG4 3AY Tel: 0115 952 4098

Mansfield Local Mental Health Team

Millfields Centre, Millbrook Mental Health Unit, Mansfield Road, Sutton in Ashfield, NG17 4JT Tel:  0115 956 0858

Newark & Sherwood Local Mental Health Team

65 Northgate, Newark, Nottinghamshire, NG24 1HD  Tel: 0115 854 2216

Rushcliffe Local Mental Health Team

93 Musters Road, West Bridgford, Nottingham, NG2 7PG Tel: 0115 945 5990

 

PS - Only they can't help. To, what is laughingly referred to as my mind, your best bet is to always use Wash & Go when having a shower. Using separate shampoo's and conditioner's is for loonies.

 

 

 

 

[ian the worm]

Sunday and Monday are in a fight.
Who wins?

Sunday because Monday is a weekday.

[C14S]

What do you call a careful wolf?

 

 

...Aware wolf

[Fat envelope]

My wife was not impressed when I told her I had promised everyone she would show them her chicken impression.

 

She went BESERK!

Edited November 25, 2019 by Fat envelope

[ian the worm]

Why did the toilet roll roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom. 
 

Notes:

This was my favourite joke from Glasto this year.

It was from a falafel server near the top of the T&C field who responded eithout hesitating when I simply said “tell me a joke” whilst we were waiting for the food. 

[TheGoodWillOut]

Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath...

He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me" everyone cheered

[eFestivals]

i take it you're posting these in your tea breaks at the christmas cracker factory...?

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

3 hours ago, eFestivals said:

i take it you're posting these in your tea breaks at the christmas cracker factory...?

Pull the other one, it's got bells on.

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

 

A young artist exhibits his work for the first time, and a well known art critic is in attendance. The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work"?  Yes," says the artist. "It's worthless," says the critic. The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

 

[BlueDaze]

i went into the pet shop today

"i'd like to buy a wasp please.."

"sorry sir, we dont sell wasps.."

"you've got one in the window.."

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

5 minutes ago, BlueDaze said:

i went into the pet shop today

"i'd like to buy a wasp please.."

"sorry sir, we dont sell wasps.."

"you've got one in the window.."

Nice one BlueDaze,

Not only do I like the content, but the fact that you copied and pasted it, and did not correct the errors in presentation, appeals enormously to me. It's a total win / win, at this end, so thank you.

Not only do I thank you for your joke, but also because it allows me to lead in gently with this joke:

A woman walks by a pet shop and sees a sign that says " Fanny Licking frogs for sale - enquire within". She is intrigued by the sign and goes in to get one. She goes to the counter and asks if they have any Fanny licking frogs left to sell. The shop owner looks at her and says. "Bonjor?"

 

[BlueDaze]

2 minutes ago, Yoghurt on a Stick said:

Nice one BlueDaze,

Not only do I like the content, but the fact that you copied and pasted it, and did not correct the errors in presentation, appeals enormously to me. It's a total win / win, at this end, so thank you.

Not only do I thank you for your joke, but also because it allows me to lead in gently with this joke:

A woman walks by a pet shop and sees a sign that says " Fanny Licking frogs for sale - enquire within". She is intrigued by the sign and goes in to get one. She goes to the counter and asks if they have any Fanny licking frogs left to sell. The shop owner looks at her and says. "Bonjor?"

 

very good...

and those are all my own presentational errors thank you...

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

7 minutes ago, BlueDaze said:

 

and those are all my own presentational errors thank you...

There's no doubt about it then - you are The Master. 

[HalfAnIdiot]

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

50 minutes ago, HalfAnIdiot said:

Nah, don't join him. He'll be over soon enough, anyway. He's going to down that glass of red, then down a shed load more, and then he's going to approach you. He'll initially blurt out something so pissed up and nonsensical that your basic instinct to be nice will kick in, and you'll encourage him to speak some more - thereby giving you grace to actually digest what he said previously. Your plan wont work though, as the previously spoken words will then finally sink in to your mind, and be registered by your brain. It is at that point that you will realise that this drunk piece of pasta has almost rabid designs to get in to your friend's Farfalle's pants, and failing that 'yours'. Don't sweat it though, as you'll only cook yourself and then get eaten by one of those humans. I know that it'll be very difficult for you, but your best chance is to look as out of date as possible. Yes, I know that this is almost impossible for a piece of dried pasta, but it's the best chance you've got.

All the best.

 

PS - That could be the story of my life, that could. lol