The Joke Thread

[Purple aki squat]

What do you call a bloke with a seagull on his head?

 

 

 

[Vulpes vulpes]

What’s brown and sticky

 

a stick

[gherkin8r]

Just now, Vulpes vulpes said:

What’s brown and sticky

 

a stick

Very weather thread current 

[stuartbert two hats]

1 minute ago, Vulpes vulpes said:

What’s brown and sticky

 

a stick

Any excuse:

 

[ian the worm]

Why did Sarah fall off the swing?..... Because she had no arms.....

....Knock knock...... who’s there?......dunno but it’s definitely not Sarah.

 

[Ayrshire Chris]

The man who invented the anagram has just died

may he  erect a penis 

[morph100]

What do you call a nun on a pogo stick?

virgin on the ridiculous 

[Ayrshire Chris]

A glasto themed joke

where does Kylie buy her kebabs?

Jasons Donner Van. 

[barkley87]

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

 

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

 

The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50

 

The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 300 billion.

 

The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.

 

The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. The first guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.

 

The second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.

 

The third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

 

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.

 

The first guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him anymore.

 

The second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.

 

The third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.

 

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.

 

The first guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."

 

The second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."

 

The third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."

[Quark]

Guy's looking for a new wallet, fancies treating himself, so he goes to a very high end store.  Assistant walks him through a selection, but none are quite what he's after so he takes him through the exclusive collection.

"Well sir, this one is made in Italy from the finest hand stitched leather.  The fastenings are all made from platinum, and it's lined with the finest silk.  It costs £500. No? I see."

"Well this one is far more exclusive. Only ten of these have ever been made.  It's a little known fact, but when the famous racehorse Seabiscuit died, he was deemed so valuable that no part of him went to waste.  His skin was tanned, and used to make the wallet that you now see.  It costs £5,000. Still no? Hmm, there may be one thing that might work for you."

"This one that you see now is made from an incredibly rare and experimental material. It's the only one of its kind, and it costs £500,000."

At this point the guy is interested.  "Good lord" he says, "what on earth is it made from?"

The assistant looks side to side to make sure that no-one is nearby, leans in and whispers "Well sir, this is made from penis skin"

"Christ!" says the customer "that's revolting! But why is it so expensive?"

"Well sir, when you rub it it turns into a suitcase."

[Buddy Holly]

15 minutes ago, Ayrshire Chris said:

A glasto themed joke

where does Kylie buy her kebabs?

Jasons Donner Van. 

My favourite Bristol landmark

[srb]

What did the left foot say to the right foot?

 

Don't talk to yer man in the middle - he's a dick!

(I'll get me coat) 

[stopwn1981]

What goes in and out and stinks of piss?

 

A load of old Grannies doing the Hokey Cokey.

[cidy]

went for a job at a blacksmiths, the gaffer asked if I’d ever shoed a horse. 

I said no, but i once told a donkey to fuck of

 

Mate went to see a faith healer last night! i asked him what it was like - Fecking shite! even the guy in the wheelchair got up and walked out

[Stokesy10]

2 hours ago, Ayrshire Chris said:

What do you call a judge with no thumbs?

Justice fingers

(I do know some really filthy jokes but there will be sensitive souls on this site)

My girlfriend  laughed when I said I could make a spaghetti car

you should have seen her face  when I raced pasta  

My mrs left me because of my pasta addiction

Now I'm feeling cannelloni...

[gherkin8r]

She'd been acting strange since she got back from Latvia a week orzo ago

Pretty sure shes run off with rigatoni

Edited June 14, 2019 by gherkin8r

[Dave_c]

I might have to pull out the joke about the red and white knight on the black and white horse if these jokes don't improve.

[dizzymoo]

Why is (insert name of pissy beer here) like making love in a punt?

It's fucking close to water.

[parsonjack]

I tried using my store discount card to clear the ice from my windscreen but it only got 10% off.

[parsonjack]

Bloke goes into a pet shop and says 'I'll have a couple of flies please'.  Shop owner says 'We don't sell flies'.  Bloke says 'But you've got some in the window'.

Night folks...sleep tight ?

[gherkin8r]

1 minute ago, parsonjack said:

Bloke goes into a pet shop and says 'I'll have a couple of flies please'.  Shop owner says 'We don't sell flies'.  Bloke says 'But you've got some in the window'.

Night folks...sleep tight ?

Mate no harm but I'm fucking killing it with the pasta puns there and you're coming out with that shit and we've not an up vote between us. 

Democracy eh? 

Night

[anditmakesmesmile]

A woman walks into a bar and says to the barkeeper, “I’d like a double entendres”.

so he gave her one. 

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

I don't know why I'm doing this. I don't know why any of us are. That said, I feel the need to share. Here goes;

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous.

A night of tall tales commences.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second chimes in, "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

I'm afraid that it doesn't stop there. No sireee.

Paddy and his wife have been married for 10 years, but in that time Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm. To fix this they go to a sex therapist, who suggests that his wife might be too hot and they should buy a fan. Paddy, being a bit cheap, doesn't buy a fan but gets his mate to stand in the corner to flap a towel instead. So Paddy and his wife go at it, Paddy's mate flapping the towel the whole time. After hours without success, Paddy's mate suggests they swap places. Paddy agrees and after 5 minutes of Paddy's mate and Paddy's wife going at it, his wife is screaming in ecstasy. Eventually, once they finished, Paddy says "Now that how you flap a towel!"

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

You thought it had ended. No,there's always room for one more;

Men's Helpline

"Hello, you have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"

"Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse. Then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouching behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"