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Crazyfool is right it's good to talk. (I know this but I'm still very good at shutting myself when I am down and often need pulling out of it) 

But also, I think it can be hard to let people know how much you're hurting sometimes. I know I find that really difficult. Saying you're really sad doesn't fully express the pain you're feeling.

But even if you're struggling to talk to friends and family you can talk to us! About whatever will help you, if that's talking about her, or how you feel or something completely different. 

Sending you love x

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@Gilgamesh69 my sincere condolences to you. Not going to lie, I've had a cry with you tonight reading your story. You are very within your rights to feel heartbroken and hurt, you had hopes for the future with this girl and they have been cruelly taken away from you. As Carlosj says... If you don't know what to do, do nothing. Only you can determine how long your grief will last. You will come out of the other side and one day you will realise that she was not the only one that can make you happy and feel alive. Much love to you pet xx

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On 3/31/2020 at 7:39 PM, Gilgamesh69 said:

Buckle up dudes, it's time for a story. I posted a brief version of this the other day but it lacked depth.

Firstly, I'll admit that for the past few years I have been heartbroken, although the reasons why are a story for another time. it hurt me greatly, and changed me as a person. I was once a young lad filled with hopes and dreams, but this turned me into a bitter miserable bastard. I had a few dates and flings but nothing helped me. It damaged my confidence a lot and eventually I just gave up, thought I should just accept that I'll probably die alone.


Then I went to a festival last year. I had intended to go with friends but it sold out before they could get tickets, so I joined a group for folks going solo. Upon arrival, one of the girls in the group came to meet me, to help me with my luggage and finding the campsite. She was fucking gorgeous. We talked and with everything she said, I had more questions, she was fascinating. She seemed like such a lovely girl and even without any alcohol, I was starting to feel butterflies. We hung out together for a few hours and then met the the rest of the group, who were also lovely. We spent the rest of the festival together and honestly it was one of the happiest weeks I've had in a long time.


She was really sweet. On the first night we were talking and she said something like "I have social anxiety and I usually have to get drunk and to deal with it. But I feel really comfortable around you, like I could be sobre and still have an amazing time with you". It was heartwarming. We watched the sunset and danced together, it was great. It felt like something was developing between us and for the first time in years... I felt hopeful.


The festival ended but we stayed in touch. A few months later I went to see her and we had a really nice time. I didn't want to rush things because that's a mistake I've made in the past, and I thought it would be nicer to just continue as we are and then hopefully something would happen. Let it happen naturally, yknow. We also planned to do more festivals and trips together. Maybe we weren't going to get together, but I still valued her as a friend.


But then last week, I was told she has passed away. Twenty three years old. I am devastated. I've wept every day. I try to distract myself but it doesn't work. As soon as I turn everything off and just think, I get consumed by misery. Losing anyone is hard , but to lose someone so young and so beautiful is fucking painful. 


I really don't know what to do. I've been having trouble sleeping because I just lay in bed, with that hole in my heart growing, unable to sleep. So I just drink until I fall asleep. I'm trying to find closure but  it's not easy with everything else going on.


It hurts :(


Stay strong old son 

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2 hours ago, Gilgamesh69 said:

Hey, thanks for the support everyone x

Unfortunately I live alone, and don't really know anybody nearby that I could go for a walk and talk with. My "close" friends and family know I've lost someone but other than offering condolences, they haven't really tried to help out. Have tried to express that I'm hurt by the loss but they've just ignored it. Bastards.

From reading between the lines; I think she took her own life. That makes it worse because now I've got all these thoughts telling me I should have reached out to her, should have talked to her more. Obviously from a logical perspective I know that it's not my fault, but that doesn't stop me thinking that way.

I spoke to a mutual friend yesterday, her best friend. I've donated some money to help with funeral costs and to return her home. That helped me a little bit. She said I should come visit her resting place someday. It's a remote village in the Arctic circle so will be quite difficult to get to, but I will do it. 



Nobody can get your perspective, you call your family bastards but they may want to avoid dealing with your grief. I lost my first wife, and my uncle said at the service that some people wouldn't be able to deal with that, and might cross over the street to avoid me. Take care of yourself but also of others as they can't feel as you do. If it is suicide then no one could have changed that if it's what she wanted. Sorry to be blunt x

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