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Christmas Postbag Special

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Postbag iv - Christmas special!

Hello and welcome to the sporadic sifi blog colour supplement - the blog equivalent of the part of the newspaper you read when you've got through all the good, newsworthy sections. What with Christmas coming up, we've got a slight Christmas flavour - we've soaked the blog in brandy for a few hours and have decorated bits of it with holly leaves made of marzipan.

Let's start with our agony aunt section. Here's one from an occasional supplement regular "Beevis", who writes "Dear Auntie Sifi, I've recently started in an amateur dramatic performance of a famous pantomime, where I've been asked to play the role of the dame. I'm really enjoying it, but I've found I've developed a fondness for dressing up in women's clothing, especially tights. Is this wrong? I've attached a picture"

Well, Beevis, as liberal as we are here at the supplement, I can't help but think you might have taken things a little too far. Whilst I can see the attraction of the silks and the satins, I'd recommend that you don't wear the tights quite like that. It might impair your vision, and that could be especially dangerous when driving. As far as the one piece PVC cat suit, well you should be careful it doesn't cut off the circulation. And if you are going to go out like that, please consider shaving the hair from your legs. And your back. And your ears. And your nose. And the back of your hands.

Now, with Christmas just around the corner, I've been asked by a few members of e-festivals for some help with their festivities.

Firstly, from Dogster, who asks how to get rid of unwatned guests who have outstayed their welcome. Do what I do Dogster, and throw a bucket of water over them. It normally does the trick - and they don't tend to come back. Certainly it worked with the stray that was round our way not too long ago.

Next, a question about etiquette from our old friend Vestibule 75. He asks "Every year my wife gives my brother all the best bits of her Christmas spread. Last year she offered him breast and said that she needed help stuffing which he proceeded to do in the privacy of the pantry – and it sounded like hard work with all that groaning and screaming. How can I ensure I don't miss out on her sweet meat?" Well Halls, I've had a long think about this and to be honest, if it's been going on for a while, I'd suggest you think about getting yourself a bird of your own. And possibly eat out with her at Christmas instead.

Finally, here's a note from an anonymous writer, who asks "Dear Sifi, every year I get together with my girlfriend at Christmas, but my cracker never seems to go of with a bang, no matter how hard she pulls it. It's more of a damp squib as the dirty tat falls out. What is she doing wrong?" Well, my slightly strange hued simian friend, the secret I'm told is that it's all the wrist. A slight twist as you are reaching the point when the tension is greatest will achieve the results you desire and your novelties will fly across the dinner table - but be careful it doesn't land in the gravy boat as happened to me one year. Mother was not impressed.

And now, onto the answers to last week's quiz. In a seasonal twist to the old "Complete the name of this song" routine, I asked you to complete the name of the name of the seasonal Christmas song. And as normal, I've got some strange and frankly disturbing answers, some of which I thought not only morally questionable, but could also see you in traction if you tried it!

First up "I saw Mummy kissing ....... " and of course the answer was "Santa Claus" and not what Beevis' suggested - although this does possibly explain his state of mind and his dislike of our equine friends.

"Fairy Tale of ..... ". Well the answer was of course "New York" and not as one regular contributor in the other festival forum suggested "Fairy Tale of Rainbow Festival".

Next up, I asked you ".... roasting on an open fire". The answer is of course chestnuts, and certainly not the kind of nuts mentioned by one recently singled and one assumes slightly resentful individual from the singles thread.

Finally, the Darkness Song "Christmas time (Don't let the .......)". Well, of course the answer was "Christmas time (Don't let the bells End)" although I was quite happy to accept "Christmas time (Don't let the bastard ever open his gob ever again - preferably by ripping out his voice box") or other variations on that theme.

And now, as is traditional at this time of year, we've got some predictions from our resident mystic and fortune teller, Madame Escottie, who I'm told will, upon her palm being crossed with silver will reveal all. I gave her a quid and told her to take her coat off, and she wrote this column for me.

Madame Escottie's predictions for 2007

I've consulted the oracle, well just teletext in general if I'm honest, and can foresee a tumultuous and eventful year for all. If you are born under a water sign, best avoid Glastonbury. If you are born under an air sign, avoid oxygen and if you are born under a fire sign avoid the campfires at the Carling weekend. Sagittarians should avoid friendly fire, albinos should avoid direct exposure to much sunlight and cats should avoid dogs. Now I've been asked for some specialist advice here by a user called Beevis, who asks what he can expect from the year in terms of love, well my dear I've checked the flight of some swallows, and can tell you that you will find love in the early part of the year, but it will all be lost by October, when dolphins traditionally migrate for warmer waters.

Thank you Madame Escottie. And that's about it for this supplement - thank you for reading - oh wait, I've just got another e-mail here from a Beevis of the e-festival boards. He says "Why do you always take the piss out of me, and vestibules and all the other people you do on your second rate blog?"

Well, you only truly insult the people you love, you pathetic ******-up, ***** faced, ***** ** ****** ***** ***** example of ********** human-*****- being. And believe me that's a lot of love .....

Merry Christmas everyone!

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