599 replies to this topic

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

feral chile, on 08 February 2012 - 03:32 PM, said:

I think sometimes it comes down to ultimatums - the parent tries to shock the child into backing down - 'while you're in our house you'll live by our rules' sort of thing, and it escalates past the point of no return. It's really sad.

I think a lot of it does come down to ultimatums, along side with the ego thing already suggested. I remember the moment my dad threw me out of the house. He did it because he had lost power and couldn't cope with it on a daily basis any longer. But that wasn't that he'd lost power over me, it was that there was nothing within his ability to stop my alcoholic decline (at the time). He threw me out because he couldn't watch. In my case it was the right thing to do. I suspect (can't remember) that I was a little hurt at the time but eventually I was able to see why he had done what he did. It was nothing to do with disowning me. I just thought I'd share my experience so as to explain that there can be a lot more to parents kicking their kids out than one may initially conclude.

[feral chile]

Yoghurt on a Stick, on 08 February 2012 - 07:22 PM, said:

I think a lot of it does come down to ultimatums, along side with the ego thing already suggested. I remember the moment my dad threw me out of the house. He did it because he had lost power and couldn't cope with it on a daily basis any longer. But that wasn't that he'd lost power over me, it was that there was nothing within his ability to stop my alcoholic decline (at the time). He threw me out because he couldn't watch. In my case it was the right thing to do. I suspect (can't remember) that I was a little hurt at the time but eventually I was able to see why he had done what he did. It was nothing to do with disowning me. I just thought I'd share my experience so as to explain that there can be a lot more to parents kicking their kids out than one may initially conclude.

Yeah, had a similar experience. When I was 16, I used to stay out after work with my future husband, and as we had no phone, my grandparents didn't know where I was. Instead of talking to me about it, I think they tried shock/control tactics. I came home one day to a locked door (I didn't have a key) and it took me a while to find them. They'd gone to my grandfather's allotment, and I met them coming back. They didn't say a word, but next day when I came home from work my mother was waiting to take me with her, my bag was packed and my nan was crying her eyes out.

I didn't visit for months, but the first time I did, they weren't expecting me, and I saw the joy on their faces before they had time to hide it and assume the usual stern attitude towards me that I was used to seeing.

My mother told me she didn't think my nan really expected me to go, I think she thought I'd beg to stay and be suitably chastened after duly learning my lesson. But things hadn't gone to plan, I'd taken her at her word.

Before she died, my nan told me she'd always been afraid I'd take advantage if she showed any affection, as she thought I'd see it as a sign of weakness, and she'd lose control of me. And I told her she'd always been, and always would be, my mum.

We were never able to have an open, communicative relationship, but at least I'm glad we managed to express something before it was too late.

Edited by feral chile, 08 February 2012 - 07:50 PM.

[Rufus Gwertigan]

Yoghurt on a Stick, on 08 February 2012 - 07:22 PM, said:

I think a lot of it does come down to ultimatums, along side with the ego thing already suggested. I remember the moment my dad threw me out of the house. He did it because he had lost power and couldn't cope with it on a daily basis any longer. But that wasn't that he'd lost power over me, it was that there was nothing within his ability to stop my alcoholic decline (at the time). He threw me out because he couldn't watch. In my case it was the right thing to do. I suspect (can't remember) that I was a little hurt at the time but eventually I was able to see why he had done what he did. It was nothing to do with disowning me. I just thought I'd share my experience so as to explain that there can be a lot more to parents kicking their kids out than one may initially conclude.

My daughter made a drama for herself that nearly left her out on her ear with me. I wont go into the argument but it ended with me telling her to get out of my way whilst I calmed down and decide what she wants out of living with me, either living in a family home or something as a stop gap. After that all I got were text messages rather than a conversation. Eventually she sent a text saying "I will get my stuff and move out". I just replied fine if thats the way she wants it. I had not even mentioned it. Before I knew it I was getting text messages from her bitch of a mother saying I had thrown her out on the streets blah blah blah. To but to the chase she ende up ringing me to ask he she could come home. I said that I never said she couldn't but she pointed out that I had not contacted her to say come home or dont go. I put the ball firmly in her court. I dont piss about with mind games and emotional blackmail. I dont use kicking them out as a threat. I am yesy laid back at home. I have 2 rules. One is on smoking and the other is they take the responsibility for their friends/guests in the house. Mind you they know now that anything I may threaten with is not an idle threat. My eldest moved out to in to Uni in 2010. His room has always been a mess with shit everywhere. I have him a stack of boxes and asked him to put in everything that he wanted me to store for him as I would be taking over the bedroom. He made a crap effort and each holiday he came home I would ask him to sort the stuff otherwise anything not boxed will get thrown. Now nearly 16 months later it took 3 of us over 2 hours to clear the room of crap. My son is not happy because I have thrown absolutely loads away or sent to charity. As promised everything boxed is stored so I assume it was important, anything else was crap. Mind you the kids have learned to take me at my word.

[tonyblair]

Rufus Gwertigan, on 08 February 2012 - 08:07 PM, said:

My daughter made a drama for herself that nearly left her out on her ear with me. I wont go into the argument but it ended with me telling her to get out of my way whilst I calmed down and decide what she wants out of living with me, either living in a family home or something as a stop gap. After that all I got were text messages rather than a conversation. Eventually she sent a text saying "I will get my stuff and move out". I just replied fine if thats the way she wants it. I had not even mentioned it. Before I knew it I was getting text messages from her bitch of a mother saying I had thrown her out on the streets blah blah blah. To but to the chase she ende up ringing me to ask he she could come home. I said that I never said she couldn't but she pointed out that I had not contacted her to say come home or dont go. I put the ball firmly in her court. I dont piss about with mind games and emotional blackmail. I dont use kicking them out as a threat. I am yesy laid back at home. I have 2 rules. One is on smoking and the other is they take the responsibility for their friends/guests in the house. Mind you they know now that anything I may threaten with is not an idle threat. My eldest moved out to in to Uni in 2010. His room has always been a mess with shit everywhere. I have him a stack of boxes and asked him to put in everything that he wanted me to store for him as I would be taking over the bedroom. He made a crap effort and each holiday he came home I would ask him to sort the stuff otherwise anything not boxed will get thrown. Now nearly 16 months later it took 3 of us over 2 hours to clear the room of crap. My son is not happy because I have thrown absolutely loads away or sent to charity. As promised everything boxed is stored so I assume it was important, anything else was crap. Mind you the kids have learned to take me at my word.

consistency... I think it's the most important aspect of parenting

apart from the love... not sure if that counts as 'parenting' though

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

Rufus Gwertigan, on 08 February 2012 - 08:07 PM, said:

My daughter made a drama for herself that nearly left her out on her ear with me. I wont go into the argument but it ended with me telling her to get out of my way whilst I calmed down and decide what she wants out of living with me, either living in a family home or something as a stop gap. After that all I got were text messages rather than a conversation. Eventually she sent a text saying "I will get my stuff and move out". I just replied fine if thats the way she wants it. I had not even mentioned it. Before I knew it I was getting text messages from her bitch of a mother saying I had thrown her out on the streets blah blah blah. To but to the chase she ende up ringing me to ask he she could come home. I said that I never said she couldn't but she pointed out that I had not contacted her to say come home or dont go. I put the ball firmly in her court. I dont piss about with mind games and emotional blackmail. I dont use kicking them out as a threat. I am yesy laid back at home. I have 2 rules. One is on smoking and the other is they take the responsibility for their friends/guests in the house. Mind you they know now that anything I may threaten with is not an idle threat. My eldest moved out to in to Uni in 2010. His room has always been a mess with shit everywhere. I have him a stack of boxes and asked him to put in everything that he wanted me to store for him as I would be taking over the bedroom. He made a crap effort and each holiday he came home I would ask him to sort the stuff otherwise anything not boxed will get thrown. Now nearly 16 months later it took 3 of us over 2 hours to clear the room of crap. My son is not happy because I have thrown absolutely loads away or sent to charity. As promised everything boxed is stored so I assume it was important, anything else was crap. Mind you the kids have learned to take me at my word.

Although I'm not a parent (so probably haven't got a clue) I do wonder why it is that parents want their kids rooms to be clean and tidy. As long as the door is shut and you can't see the bomb site in there, what does it matter? Is it because it's emblematic of a haphazard approach to life which you don't want them to adhere to or is it simply down to parents not liking 'shit' thrown around everywhere?

[kaosmark2]

Yoghurt on a Stick, on 08 February 2012 - 09:52 PM, said:

Although I'm not a parent (so probably haven't got a clue) I do wonder why it is that parents want their kids rooms to be clean and tidy. As long as the door is shut and you can't see the bomb site in there, what does it matter? Is it because it's emblematic of a haphazard approach to life which you don't want them to adhere to or is it simply down to parents not liking 'shit' thrown around everywhere?

I'm in the same position (and don't particularly want to interfere when I haven't experienced the other side of it), but I don't think Rufus' situation is like that. He told his son that he wanted to use the bedroom, which is very different from enforcing tidiness for tidiness' sake.

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

I wasn't particularly pointing the finger at Rufus. His post did get me thinking about some adults in general though, and that's why I asked the question. As you say, Rufus has already explained that he had a particular reason for wanting the room cleaned.

[Rufus Gwertigan]

Yoghurt on a Stick, on 08 February 2012 - 10:29 PM, said:

I wasn't particularly pointing the finger at Rufus. His post did get me thinking about some adults in general though, and that's why I asked the question. As you say, Rufus has already explained that he had a particular reason for wanting the room cleaned.

I have a policy of leaving the kids rooms to themselves. But when the kids were taken into care from the criticisms the Social Services gave I think anally raping them may have been easier on me. I had a 4 pages of a report purely on the fact of clothes and toys everywhere. However once the kids were in care it was "Oh kids will be kids". The idea though is that clutter leads to a chaotic lifestyle. I found out later my social worker had a house keeper. Go figure.

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

Dammed if you do and dammed if you don't. No, not an enviable position to find oneself in. I never even thought about how it could be viewed by Social Services etc. I did say I probably didn't have a clue!

[kaosmark2]

Yoghurt on a Stick, on 08 February 2012 - 11:06 PM, said:

Dammed if you do and dammed if you don't. No, not an enviable position to find oneself in. I never even thought about how it could be viewed by Social Services etc. I did say I probably didn't have a clue!

I'm not sure how often that's relevant.

And it extends beyond that. I once left my mother in my room at uni for 5 minutes while I grabbed something from their car and she moved a load of my stuff about in the name of tidying.

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

Not sure what you mean - how often what's relevant?

Do you think your mom was having a nosey about or that she just couldn't help herself 'tidying' things in an OCD kind of a way?

[kaosmark2]

Yoghurt on a Stick, on 08 February 2012 - 11:29 PM, said:

Not sure what you mean - how often what's relevant?

Do you think your mom was having a nosey about or that she just couldn't help herself 'tidying' things in an OCD kind of a way?

How often concerns about social services are relevant to parental insistence about tidiness.

She's not particularly OCD about her own tidiness. I'm messier than her in some ways, she's messier in others. It seems incredibly interfering from my perspective, a complete lack of respect for my privacy and my room. It's bad enough with my room in their house, but at least that's their house. I refuse to let her into my house now in case she does it again. It doesn't seem that rare a thing, friends/cousins have had similar issues, although not necessarily at homes away from parents, but it just baffles me. There's noone else in the world she'd dare attempt to do that to (some people are OCD generally and tidy anyone's desk they come across), but it comes across to me as a lack of personal respect. As if she sees it as her parental duty or something.

[Rufus Gwertigan]

To get back on topic I had to do an assessment online for the job I am applying for. Its was made up of maths, English and logic tests. Maths is a real strength of mine but I just know I have failed.

[feral chile]

Rufus Gwertigan, on 24 February 2012 - 05:57 PM, said:

To get back on topic I had to do an assessment online for the job I am applying for. Its was made up of maths, English and logic tests. Maths is a real strength of mine but I just know I have failed.

I hate those maths tests - I just did one, and I'm just too slow. I did get through it, and through the verbal reasoning, which seems to be the one everyone else struggles with but I feel very confident with, but I didn't get through the workstyle questionnaire. I don't think I did well in the maths, and I think that probably pulled down my overall score.

hope you have better luck.

Edited by feral chile, 24 February 2012 - 08:02 PM.

[Rufus Gwertigan]

feral chile, on 24 February 2012 - 08:00 PM, said:

I hate those maths tests - I just did one, and I'm just too slow. I did get through it, and through the verbal reasoning, which seems to be the one everyone else struggles with but I feel very confident with, but I didn't get through the workstyle questionnaire. I don't think I did well in the maths, and I think that probably pulled down my overall score.

hope you have better luck.

I have got through to the interview stage even though I know I did terrible on the test. However it is probable that I am the best of a bad bunch?

I am starting to get a little nervous now even though the interviews are not for 6 weeks. It looks like they are interviewing a few hundred for the place I want to work. It is a little weird as this is how things seem to snowball with me. I apply for something, that I would not have thought of, just to see how far I can take it, as well as application experience, and then end up with the job.

[feral chile]

Rufus Gwertigan, on 28 February 2012 - 02:34 PM, said:

I have got through to the interview stage even though I know I did terrible on the test. However it is probable that I am the best of a bad bunch?

I am starting to get a little nervous now even though the interviews are not for 6 weeks. It looks like they are interviewing a few hundred for the place I want to work. It is a little weird as this is how things seem to snowball with me. I apply for something, that I would not have thought of, just to see how far I can take it, as well as application experience, and then end up with the job.

All the best with the interview, well done for getting through the tests, don't put yourself down, I know for the ones I did they failed to fill all the posts, they didn't drop the benchmark. So you've got through on merit.

[Gre]

I've been keeping this quiet until it all went through & I handed my resignation in.... I've been offered a job in London starting after Easter Very excited, very nervous, just need to sort out a place to live!

[feral chile]

Gre, on 02 March 2012 - 01:54 PM, said:

I've been keeping this quiet until it all went through & I handed my resignation in.... I've been offered a job in London starting after Easter Very excited, very nervous, just need to sort out a place to live!

Well done and congratulations, an exciting time for you now then. Hope you find a nice place in plenty of time to get yourself settled in.

[Rufus Gwertigan]

My apprenticeship went tits up when I realised that they wanted me to work in Warrington. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Don't mind getting up mega early, but to then travel to Warrington .

Anyway, glad I did not do it. I have been offered an opportunity more in line with my studies and my long term goal. It is to work as an "Appropriate Adult". Only voluntary, even after training, but with the counselling that I do for a charity at the moment I am building up a rather good looking CV for when I finish my BSc next year.

[Yoghurt on a Stick]

Rufus Gwertigan, on 03 May 2012 - 01:45 PM, said:

My apprenticeship went tits up when I realised that they wanted me to work in Warrington. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Don't mind getting up mega early, but to then travel to Warrington .

Anyway, glad I did not do it. I have been offered an opportunity more in line with my studies and my long term goal. It is to work as an "Appropriate Adult". Only voluntary, even after training, but with the counselling that I do for a charity at the moment I am building up a rather good looking CV for when I finish my BSc next year.

An Appropriate Adult - not something I'm ever likely to be accused of being! It's OK, I know what one is really. Does sound like you are getting a cracking CV together. I should imagine with that lot and a BSc behind you you'll be in a great position to get a job you'll enjoy. Good luck with that.