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Glastonbury Conspiracy theories


Matt42
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1 hour ago, UEF said:

There's a conscious effort to make part of the festival's attraction the food - and that the Growler losing its pitch wasn't a coincidence.

 

 

1 minute ago, UEF said:

The 'deposit and balance' scheme is an accountancy wheeze to avoid (not evade!) tax. 

i don't think there's much in the way of conspiracy in either of these.

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2 hours ago, Deaf Nobby Burton said:

Absolutely. They could've relocated the Growler if they really wanted, I know a lot of people are fond of it but it's the sort of stall that wouldn't look out of place in a B&Q car park.

Funny you should say that - because it literally does spend the rest of the year in a Travis Perkins car park.

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25 minutes ago, UEF said:

The 'deposit and balance' scheme is an accountancy wheeze to avoid (not evade!) tax by splitting the income across different years.

nah, I think the deposit and balance would both be treated as deferred income until after the festival took place anyway

 

/boring accountant

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I wrote this last year after talking a load of crap trying to explain why Glastonbury was so special using half-baked scientific principles. It was written for the benefit of the people involved in the conversation originally, I’ve thought about posting it on here before but never really found the suitable place for it but it kind of fits in with the conspiracy theory stuff so here goes:

 

I'm going to start as most people don't; at the end. I'm also going to end at the start, but that can wait until later.

On the last Monday in June we somehow pack down our tents, lug them back to the car and set off home. All still discussing highlights of the weekend, and how last night was fantastic yet our legs had nothing to give after 5 days of dancing, drinking, laughing with optional sleep and food. The second law of thermodynamics suggests that within a contained are the availability of a systems energy decreases over time. Is there a situation in which this is more evident than the confines of the superfence? We arrive as fresh as the lush green grass we are trampling on but leave feeling more like the quagmire by the tap near the park that always ends up bursting a leak like a fire hydrant in any film based in the Bronx in the summertime.

Most of us have a few days off work to recover perhaps even a week if we can. Our feet are sore, throats are dry and houses seem eerily quiet, distinctly lacking the white noise of laughter, distant booming baselines and the flames blasting from Arcadia that we've grown accustomed to. We are a broken people, readjusting to the real world.

At this point we have Pavlov's enthusiasm for next year. We've just had the best week of our year and wouldn't miss the opportunity to do the same next year for the world, but at the same time variety is the spice of life and we've all been promising ourselves that we should try Boomtown next year, or we could finally go abroad like the rest of them. After all, what needs a fallow year more? The farm or us?

Due to Murphy's Law our annual autumnal struggle for tickets is regularly accompanied by a hangover, the wireless router always needs resetting, there's aren't enough chargers in the world and the cat always needs feeding. At 9:05 it feels like you've been punched in the stomach, your mind takes it in turns to remind yourself that 'it took at least 30 mins longer to sell out last year', 'there are always the resales' and 'I wanted to do Boomtown next year anyway and I can't afford both'.

We get a message through from our mates girlfriends mum in law who is trying for us, she's bagged us a ticket triggering the butterfly effect; the hangover is taking a hike, the dregs of the phone battery is being drained by Whattsapp going crazy and the cat is hiding behind the sofa after the animalistic celebratory roar and everything is good in the world. We float around the house, the weight of possibly missing out lifted from our shoulders like isostatic rebound after a particularly chilly ice age.

Energy starts building off site. Line ups are speculated, announced and scrutinised. Heroes create playlists for a beloved community, the majority of which they will never meet. Recommendations are made, clashed are debated and headliners will be complained about. This potential energy builds up under the surface waiting to erupt.

When we arrive on the Wednesday morning there is an energy that isn't felt anywhere else. I suggest to you that it is not the lay-lines, or the after effects of some holy chap visiting a few thousand years ago, but the effect of the first law of thermodynamics; conservation of energy. For most of us, our festival is a five day experience, but for days there have been staff on site making the final touches, for weeks there have been those who construct the stages and for months people have been booking bands and preparing infrastructure. Last year we all left the site with nothing left to give, thermodynamics suggests that this energy is not lost, but conserved. I propose that this energy stays on site, boosted by all of the staff and volunteers who contribute to the mammoth task of organising and running the event, and it is that energy that we feel when we make it on site. Some people get it when they drive into the car parks, some get it when they are issued a wristband, it normally starts building in me when I leave the car, and peaks during the first sip of a well earned drink once the tent is up. Here's to then, Cheers.

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The 2005 storm and flooding was actually a cleverly arranged social engineering experiment which sought to examine what element of the demographic camping in Pennards would evacuate, and who would remain submerged trying to keep their stash dry....I mean, why else would you have a canoe handy at Glastonbury for God's sake?

 

 

Edited by parsonjack
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1 minute ago, parsonjack said:

The 2007 storm and flooding was actually a cleverly arranged social engineering experiment which sought to examine what element of the demographic camping in Pennards would evacuate, and who would remain submerged trying to keep their stash dry....I mean, why else would you have a canoe handy at Glastonbury for God's sake?

 

 

2005 *nerd emoticon*

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2 minutes ago, parsonjack said:

The 2007 storm and flooding was actually a cleverly arranged social engineering experiment which sought to examine what element of the demographic camping in Pennards would evacuate, and who would remain submerged trying to keep their stash dry....I mean, why else would you have a canoe handy at Glastonbury for God's sake?

 

 

Pretty sure 2005 was the canoe year.

In 2005 you couldn't get rid of the water on the ground.

in 2007 you couldn't stop it falling out of the sky.

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@Tommy101 love that mate. I visited the site in April this year and it was amazing walking around it, knowing all the action that has taken place there.

You're right, the place does seem to hold onto a certain energy. I wonder what a complete noob would feel if you took them to the site when the festival isn't on?

My mates thought I was mental to go all the way there to walk around some fields.

Edited by Skoo
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The actual reason why the main stage is in the shape of a pyramid is because Michael Eavis is a descendant of the Rothschilds and the only reason why he invited Jeremy Corbyn was because he planned to assassinate him.

Luckily he was arrested before he could manage to do so and a second man who looked identical to Michael Eavis was put in his place. This second man luckily shares the same ideoligies as Jeremy Corbyn so didn't make any further assassination attempts.

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Scousers have an inside man at Seetickets that guarantees there will be loads of them all over site, either that or there's a hidden Scouser ip-address list that gets them preferential access to the servers.

There is a lucky-lucky man with a pocket full of gear in every tent - or it seemed that way this year....

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1 - The deposit scheme is  a great way for Eavis to earn interest on 120,000 x £50 sat in his account for six months before you buy the ticket. he uses this to fund his Gambling addiction, mainly underground cow racing.

2 - Michael Eavis is allergic to cows , the cows you actually see on the web cam are litter pickers in cow outfits making up the hours.

3. flares are so a plant , i remember watching one gig back and they were evenly placed throughout the crowd.

 

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1 hour ago, Skoo said:

@Tommy101 love that mate. I visited the site in April this year and it was amazing walking around it, knowing all the action that has taken place there.

You're right, the place does seem to hold onto a certain energy. I wonder what a complete noob would feel if you took them to the site when the festival isn't on?

My mates thought I was mental to go all the way there to walk around some fields.

I'm traveling from Hull to Somerset for 4 days camping in late August, partly to visit the farm while the festival isn't on, is there a best way to get onto the farm when the festival isn't on 

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The Eavii are actually extra-terrestrials. They have been here for many many years. The main purpose is to farm cow dung which that alien species love, a bit like caviar to them but with the added bonus that it gives them a rush. The dung is sent back to the great big mothership that hides on the dark side of the moon for the many to enjoy and get off their faces.

One time Michael, being all young decided to have a festival. Here he found the amazing delights of human excrement, far superior in taste and quality to cow dung with a longer hitting buzz. It took sometime to sell this back to the race, but when it hit that market went bat shit crazy for it. Since then he has set up the festival to just collect this prize above all others. Year on year demand has grown and so has the festival to accommodate this (along with other festivals that are run by aliens). The fallow years were to just increase demand as supplys dwindled and the process would increase. More of the alien race have now relocated to the dark side of the moon so they will now have to have festivals in the fallow year.

 

If you ever see one of the Evaii walk past a long drop just watch their whole being change, the pupils dilate and a shudder through the body

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Just now, swede said:

I'm traveling from Hull to Somerset for 4 days camping in late August, partly to visit the farm while the festival isn't on, is there a best way to get onto the farm when the festival isn't on 

I'm not the best person to ask as I rented an Airbnb on that Park Farm that sits right by Silver Hayes and Bushy Ground - so I was able to drive in via the vertical road on the map on the left hand side.

I would just email the festival office and ask - I checked before I visited to be on the safe side.

You are gonna love it. It is surprisingly difficult to correctly identify every bit of the site when all the stuff isn't on it! But that's all the fun :) 

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