An epic story

[Squall Moogle]

Once upon a time, many of the people on this board were on their way to V Festival. It was a sunny day like any other, perhaps a little too sunny, the kind of weather that would make an environmentalist think sad thoughts about polar bears.

On the way there, several of the forum members bumped into each other in a nearby town, however this hasn't happened quite yet in the story, I'm just saying this to set the scene.

Tinkerbell was skipping down the road back to her car after getting the special festival version of Smash hits, NME, the Financial times or whatever the hip kids of today read from a nearby newsagent. However just then she remembers what she was told about road safety and gets back on the pavement after a lorry beeps at her.

Tinkerbell: Lalala ledodolalala la la la.... Ahhhh!

She shrieks as a big sewer monster leaps out of an open manhole cover, it is about eight foot tall, has sharp teeth and is almost, but not quite a dead ringer for Harriet Harman.

Tinks: Ahhh, get away from me!

Tinks rolls up her paper, it turns out that she got a copy of the Times by a mistake, she won't be happy when she notices this. So you know, readers, when buying papers and magazines it is very important to check the title of what you're buying, a couple of times I have purchased a mirror instead of a sun etc. She brandishes the paper and does a come on gesture, just as she does this the matrix fanfare can be heard from someone watching the film nearby. The paper is quite weighty thanks to a supplement on gardening.

Tinks: Come get some slimeball!

Sewermonster: Want to buy V Festival tickets? Tickets, get your tickets here!

Unfortunately a passing car drowns out the tout, Tinks then proceeds to beat the thing/guy/whatever to a pulp.

Just then, Staffsknot comes along with his bike and parks.

SK: Heya Tinks, how's it goi...

He notices the fight going on and is naturally quite surprised as you would be if you saw this kinda thing going on along a street. Even more suddenly there is a big screech of tires and Indierocknroll and Shoptilldrop suddenly burst on the scene in a car. The car is not bad, but not great, it has some flame stickers on the side but it clearly looks like the production company is scrimping to save money.

Indie: Mark, give us a proper set of wheels, like a Hummer or something. Don't make us come up there!

Shop: I'd rather have a Corvette.

Indie: How about an open top Jeep? Even a Scoda would be better than this, the radio doesn't work and the window only goes down half way.

Okay, okay, they enter the scene in a snazzy open top Cadillac. They have plenty of their camping stuff, Shop throws a gas canister at the sewer thing, completing their double act Indie blasts the canister with an uzi, making it all go boom!

Sewer thing: Arrrhhh roarrrrr!

The sewer thing makes it's escape down the manhole cover, all that is left is a little badge on the ground that says the name Henry on it.

Shop: Ah ha! Look at that! We were on the right trail after all, see, the name badge, it says Henry!

Staffsknot: (Still kinda stunned), yeah it would be bad if that had been someone completely different. (He shakes his head and becomes unstunned).

Indie: Okay, explanation time, that thing isn't really an innocent sewer water-cow, it is an imposter. It left that namebadge as it's calling card to taunt us! It's secret identity is a fella named Henry and he's trying to spread rabbit flu to V Festival.

Staffs and Tinks: Nooooo!

Shop: We'll have to go after him, we can't let him get away!

Shop promptly runs and jumps down the hole, a moment later Indie follows suit.

Tinks: What the hey, at least by sticking with them it will be easier to find the E Fest camp when we get to the Festival. Here I go, wheeeeeee (she jumps down).

Staffs: Hmm, I should do something cool here as the girls have kinda had most of the limelight so far.

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out his keys, he presses a button on the keyfob and his bike turns into cube that fits into his hand. Staffs spends a minute or two reading through a book of cool one liners.

Staffs: Hmm, the best I can find is.... Down the drain we will gain! (he says as he leaps down the hole).

Meanwhile, in a country lane a short distance away, a lot of the forum peeps had all broken down in the same area. Only two of them (Bekimo and Steako) remained, their cars had been parked in a layby next to a field, in the field was a well. The others had all gone to the well to get some water for their cars, Steako didn't go because a song he liked was on the radio and Bekimo was eating a crunchie.

Steako: Hmm, perhaps we should go and get some water ourselves, no idea why the others aren't back yet, perhaps they got lost?

Bekimo: Lets go, seems if you want a job doing you have to do it yourself! They're probably all hiding in the long grass over there and messing around!

The two o's reach the well, it is rather picturesque; a classic fairytale wishing well, filled with refreshing water and a winch bucket. Just then a little green thing appears on the edge of the well, it looks a little like a Leprechaun with the wings of a dragonfly the grin of Simon Cowell and the overalls of a mechanic.

Green thing: Hai, mai name is Henry! Very pleast to meet you peeps! Would you like some of mai water?

Just then there is a big rustling from the long grass, conveniently from nearby some dramatic music can be heard on the wind (as if from a film score) and it perfectly underlines the scene.

Steako: Ahhh, Raptors!

Green thing: What?! In my field?

He grabs Bekimo and jumps down the well with her, Henry (the green thing), falls down with them too.

Just after the O's and the green guy have fallen down into the depths, I come out of the long grass with a laptop in my arms.

Me: Dammit, no matter where I go, I can't watch my Matrix and Jurassic Park dvds in peace! Damn people making a racket!

--------

Stay tuned next time for another exciting instalment of this story. (Though if any other regulars here want to have a go at writing a chapter, feel free).

[amy246]

That's cool, think we need more though, it can't end til everyone is at V!

[Alexx (:]

Agreed, I might add some more when I get back from work

[Dannny]

I think i should be in the next installment, as you say, im always in the background of things !!

[rhysieg]

to add to the coolness of what seems like an action movie script, all of the ladies should be wearing bikini's while kicking some ass.

[staffsknot]

Danny we have got to the part with Oasis yet ;-)

Squall I have more one liners than Frankie Howerd mate but I'll give you artisitic license here!

In the sewer the girls and Staffsknot were having trouble seeing, none of them had thought about the consequences of entering a sewer without the necessary equipment lest done a Health & Safety risk assessment in clear breach of the law... but that's just indicative of the act now think later culture that these kids of the 80s have been raised in. Anyway after much scrambling in the dark and squeeking of poor stepped on rats Staffs shouted "Aha!" and produced two glow in the dark condoms to illuminate the dank room. The girls raised eyebrows and Indie managed to stifle a giggle when she saw the use by date was 2001 but they accepted his excuse that "A man's gotta have hope".

Indie grabbed two bashed in pipes and snapped them off, sticking the glow in the dark condoms over the top and making two cool looking torches. She took the green one and Shop took the blue one as they proceeded, with trepidation into the shadows, their footfalls echoing through the catacombs with menace. Deeper they went, the darkness retreating briefly from the incandescent condoms, only to return and envelop them like a sea of despair.

It was at this point Tinks looked up at the roof and shouted Staffs if you don't stop procrastinating with this story and thinking your Stephen bloody King I'll ban you from writing in our adventure... Staffs muttered something about atmosphere and was duely clocked with a pipe.

As she rounded the next bend Indie spied Henry, who conicidentally was navigating using a wooden pole with a red glowstick at either end, at his feet lay an unconscious Bekimo, the shock of Henry having nicked her V entry ticket and the smell of his cider breath having been too much.

Without hesistation Indie lept into action, performing a sumersault followed by a commando roll before jumping into a fighting stance, glowing pipe held aloft. Shop was much more sensible and strolled round the corner, not covering her expensive kit in whatever was on the floor.

Tinks and Staffs could only watch as Henry finished drawing a little circle on the wall which had Henry Was 'Ere on it.

"Now the circle is complete..." before whirling his glowstick pole in an arc above his head and bringing it down to clash with Indie's blue pipe. Seeing her chance Shop smashed her pipe towards Henry's face, but he managed to block the lunge with the other side of his pole. As they trade blows and counter blows each matched the other, with each strike and whirl acompanied by a "whoom" noise from Staffs who couldn't resist it, seeing as how it looked like a cheap version of Star Wars.

Infuriated Indie shouted at Staffs "Do you mind we're having a barnie here!" to which an equally annoyed Henry vented "I'm not a f*cking Barney I'm a Henry, do I look like a purple dinosaur????"

Seeing the danger Tinks decided she best take Staffs off to one side and so whipped out her paper and began flicking to the comics... It was as she searched in vain for her favourite she realised she had the wrong one, and the red mist descended. With a bashee like wail that cracked masonry she rolled up her sleeves and gave Henry a look that could scare the dead. He wasn't going to hang around he was off faster than a nympho brides nighty on her nudest honeymoon (ordinarly Staffs would of been told off for this but the other three were preoccupied and let it roll).

Tinks wasn't going to stand for that though, her wail had stunned a pair of rats and she grabbed them, tying their tails with her super scout skills and fashioned a pair of squeeking bolas, flinging them around the fleeing Henry's legs and sending him crashing to the floor.

In a flash Indie and Shop were on him, but Henry wasn't done yet, he flicked a capsule out from his belt and cracked it on the floor, in a flash of smoke the air crackled with The Ting Tings and everyone grasped their ears as "That's Not my Name, That's not my name" echoed around them. In the confusion Henry vanished leaving only a brief slimy eddy in the water where he had lain.

Now suddenly everyone was wearing bikini's and playing strip poker which Staffs pointed out would not be his first choice of clothing, nor did he know why he had been handed the script to Lesbian Spank Inferno V as reading material for the future chapters. After chucking a brick up at the roof he was rewarded with a satisfying yelp and Rhysieg agreed not to touch the keyboard again and duely gave them all their clothes back...

Edited May 9, 2009 by staffsknot

[Dannny]

gohhh.. STILL not been mentioned...

we should turn all of this into a full size book and sell it at V

[staffsknot]

Meanwhile Danny was having breakfast...

Your in it now

[Alexx (:]

*You're* - Sorry Phil, I'm an English student

Meanwhile, Danny was having breakfast - which consisted of cornflakes and cider, all being eaten with a fork, when suddenly Henry appeared disguised as Alex, squeezing toothpaste tubes without due care or attention. This led to Danny being covered in a white, sticky mess... but smelling pleasantly minty! The real Alex then appeared, but the confusion of seeing the gruesome Henry impersonating her caused her to skip away carelessly, falling down a black hole and landing on Rhysiegs' shoulders..

[staffsknot]

No probs Alexx I'm half-Geordie and did computing degree so I have an excuse

Edited May 12, 2009 by staffsknot

[Dannny]

Woooohooooo.. never mixed cornflakes with cider...

Or.. been covered in a 'white sticky mess' for that matter

[Alexx (:]

No probs Alexx I'm half-Geordie and did computing degree so I have an excuse

[Animaal]

Fair enough,

I couldn't handle that much technology, did DiDA and almost killed myself

[staffsknot]

Fair enough,

I couldn't handle that much technology, did DiDA and almost killed myself

[Alexx (:]

Completely misread that as Dido and was confused as anything (hmmm early starts and lack of coffee!)

What the hell is DiDA? I must be old all the acronyms don't make sense, damn you young whipper snappers!

[staffsknot]

Dido - To be fair you'd probably kill yourself if she was singing her most upbeat song

Now enough thread derailing, let someone else write on this Ben Hur epic - I'm too busy working / listening to Foo Fighters tracks at the mo

[amy246]

Above land Amy246 and Animaal were starting to worry about Alex, she wandered off 40 mins ago to buy a bacon butty from the cheap and cheerful looking van across the road and hadn't returned. So they got out the car and started looking around, making sure Alex hadn’t been distracted by someone with tattoos and piercings (it happens).

Animaal – “Let’s split up so we can cover more ground”

Amy246 – “Ok, I’ll go this way and you can go up that big hill”

So they set off on their separate ways, looking around, asking fellow V goers whether they’ve seen her. They kept on searching with no avail.

Amy started searching down a country lane that joined onto the main road.

Amy - “Aaaaww, a squirrel, that’s soooo cute!”

And off she went following the squirrel through the trees and the brambles. But soon enough she had lost sight of the squirrel and the road.

Amy - “Erm, someone, anyone, help, please?!?”

When suddenly from the bushes strode a handsome young farm hand.

Farm hand – “You lost sweetheart?”

Amy – “Kinda, well my sister wandered off, so I’m trying to find her but got lost myself *giggles and flutters eyelashes* ”

Farm hand – “Here *holds out his hand* I’m Jake. Oh dear! Looks like you cut you arm on the brambles, let me take you back to the farm and sort it out for you”

Meanwhile Animaal was still relentlessly searching for his friend Alex, busy looking all around him, so busy that he didn’t notice the missing drain cover in front of him.

Animaal – “Arrghhh”

Then with a bump he landed on Alex who was still on Rhysiegs shoulders.

Everyone – “Arrgghhh”

Then Rhysiegs legs buckled with the extra weight and they all toppled over in the sewer.

Alex - "My hair!"