So this is a bit of a merge of previous blogs i have posted elsewhere, but they are relevent to the here and now.
This is kind of going back to something i wrote in my actual diary the other day.
I'm not happy. It's not like its taken me 21 years to realise this, but i have come to the realisation my life is STILL a mess and i HAVEN'T gotten any better. I've felt depressed, been down since i was what, 11? That's 10 years of my life, nearly HALF my life i've felt this way. And you know something, whats depressing is the fact i'm now an adult and i still haven't gotten better. I'm still not normal.
I have some BIG issues. I need help. But you know why i won't get help? Half the time i fear there's not enough wrong with me, that i'm not f**ked up enough. The rest of the time i feel like i don't deserve help. Or that i'm just beyond it.
I have problems with coping. I can't cope most of the time. that's why i hurt myself. That's why i drink so much on nights out. I drink to forget. Its scary to think the only real time i socialise is where there's alcohol involved-have you ever noticed that? To be brutally honest about myself, if i drank at home too i would probably be an alcoholic.
Since Adam and i split (and this is by no means a reflection on him its just thetime period i'm trying to point out) i have gone back to my old ways. You know whats pissed me off about that? I ALWAYS told myself i would NEVER hurt myself on my right wrist (on the underside) because that's where i wnat a tatoo, if i finally choose a design.
But after telling myself that for 3 years the stuff that happened the other week made me forget that. And now i'm going to have to get it done over the scars. And i'm sorry to talk about this in such detail, i don't know who out of my friends knows about my "history" but right now i don't realy care.
I cling to people. Why? cos i am so terrified of being ALONE. But in doing so i push people away. Cos i've learnt that if i open up to people, they just think i'm a freak and quite rightly so but still, they run a mile. I probably come on too strong. Jesus i see every guy i meet with the intention that maybe something will happen.
Which is insane. Its never going to. And maybe you're thinking this is just some whiney rant about guys etc well f**k you. Cos it runs deeper than that. Right now i feel like an incredibley f**ked up person, and i hate it. I hate me. And i don't know what to do.
I know i go on about it, but 5 years ago, i chose to live. And the gods honest truth is that sometimes i regret that. Sometimes i want to go back. I want to go back and not ask for help. I want to go back and take more. I want to go back and die. And i am so deeply sorry if that's not what you want to hear. But its the truth. These past 5 years i've wondered if i could ever go through with it. And as time is going on i fear i'm closer to finding out. And i am aware that this might come across as a suicide note or some shit but its not intended to be.
Everything is f**king up around me, and it makes me feel like shit. Its scaring me how much little things are pushing me nearer the edge.
I'm writing this cos i need you to understand. And cos i'm asking for your help. I don't know what to do anymore and i'm scared of myself. I'm so stupidly screwed up. I know that. And if you choose not to know me after reading this. Then fine thats you're choice. I just need to know who my real friends are.
FURTHER to this, things are no better now than when i first wrote this (nov). I do feel like i am an incrdibly f**kerd up person. I don't want help. I want you to leave me the f**k alone. NYE, i was going to go out but oh yeah...i have no money or friends. So i see myself staying in. And believe me i will drink (and smoke) myself to death. So by all means if you do find that i am no more come the new year THIS is why.
i'm sorry i really am. i don't know what the hell i am meant to do right now. I just want this to go away. I want to go away.