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It Gets A Little Crazy In Here...

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xXMessedUpXx

My Poetry

Oh yes....this is going to be one hell of a long post. i think this is most of the poems i've ever written...

One Day

So often I have tried to understand,

The complex workings of my mind.

Why I am. Who I am.

Yet still no answers I can find.

In turmoil between heart and head,

Wanting live, wishing I was dead.

Hate and love. Confusion and clarity.

Why can't life be simple instead?

Will I be alone forever?

Is this how life will always be?

If I just stop to observe but still hope,

Will there be someone who wants me?

So many things I do not know.

Maybe it's better to take time to breathe, take things slow.

One day life will be as I dream.

One day…

…I'll be ok.

-- - -

The Explanation

Red angry marks and faint white lines

A map of my pain and the tears I've cried

Rows of secrets, ordered in years

A not so subtle way of, displaying my fears.

Alone but also in clusters

It takes all my might to muster,

An explanation for my markings

That cover the surface of my being

Ten years of anger and torment

This the only way that i can vent

A maladaptive way to cope

One that destroys yet also creates hope.

Many friends think they know me so very well,

Yet hardly any know of this personal hell

A hell that manifests itself in ways that are not fair,

A hell that is defined in the scars that I bear.

- - - - -

Unfair

Unfair by me

Stuck in a downward spiral,

My thoughts running away with time.

Trying to make sense of my actions,

To understand what feelings are mine.

Alone, yet not alone really,

In mind but not in soul.

Trying so hard to clamber my way out,

Of this deep depression, this black hole.

Will this craziness consume me?

Perhaps only time will tell.

Will I ever free myself,

From living in my personal hell?

Some days are good, some bad,

Some are neither, nor do I care.

I just want these feelings to stop,

I just want my life to be fair.

- - - - - - -

Lost Souls

They say the eyes are the window to the soul

A place where secrets lie

But all I see is a never ending hole

A place full of the tears I've cried

Maybe if I'd looked closer

I'd have seen the sadness in your eyes

I should have taken notice

Of when your love for me died

Or maybe it was never there

It was a mirage I imagined, made up

Something that was never real

Wouldn't that be just my luck?

Still my heart keeps beating

Even though you broke it in two

And still part of me needs you

Though I'm not sure I'll ever trust you

Why do I want what I cannot have?

Why do I cry all these tears?

Maybe it's because this happened

Now I have to face my greatest fears.

Of being alone, of being scared

Of not knowing what to do

Of trying to cope, take this all in my stride

But the hardest, is to stop loving you.

- - - - - - - -

Fade Away

I'm like a book without a page, like a play without a stage.

Like a bird without a feather, like the sun without the weather.

I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say.

Faster, and faster, my life fades away.

What do you see, when you look into my eyes?

A handful of cries, someone who tries...

Who tries to remember, how to explain

How they could cause, all of this pain.

So sit back and think, before you complain...

Complain about your life, and all that you need.

At least you had the chance, the chance to succeed.

So don't be afraid, of what you lost.

'Cause what I lost, my life it cost.

Before I go, I want you know.

Life is a treasure, cherish it forever.

Enjoy each day, before you fade away.

- - - - - -

i had a whole book of them somewhere but i think i've lost it

EDIT-i found the book

So i came across a book/collection of poems i wrote from when i was 15-18! Haha i warn you they are mostly depressing/emo/crap but i thought i'd share them..with intros as well.

- - - - -

First up an angst ridden poem about strong emotions...haha. I can't remember who i wrote this about but suffice to say they must have made me feel pretty shite...

Hate

If there's on thing i know, its that you hate me

That's why you make me feel so bad

I can tell, by the way you look at me

You must enjoy making me feel so sad

I know, life really ain't woth the trouble

It seems to have got me in.

The way you screamed, shouted at me

Why my "crimes" really so much of a sin

You've taken away life's meaning,

Which is pretty damn typical of you

I hope you're happy now

'Cos this is my goodbye from me to you

This feeling i have inside of me

Has probably sealed my fate

The feeling which is killing me

Is the one, the one called hate

- - - - - - -

Next up, one which still strikes a chord. I wrote it when my Grandad died in 2001. A poem i later left at his grave. (btw i refer to him as gan-gan cos when i was younger i couldn't pronouce grandad so thats what stuck!)

Wish You were Here

I miss you.

Why did you have to die?

I'm sorry everytime, i stand beside your grave

All i can do is cry

Gan-Gan I wish you were here

I miss you.

We all foundit hard to say "goodbye"

I guess we just weren't ready,

To let go but not understand why.

Gan-Gan i wish you were here

I miss you.

You were always there for me,

The best grnadad someone could wish for,

And the best person there ever could be.

Gan-Gan I wish you were here

I miss you.

I know we can't bring you back now

If only you'd never gone away

If only you were here, back with us

Even it was just for one more day

- - - - - - -

This one was written when i was 15. I guess it reflects my state of mind at the time. I was depresed back then and it was around thetime i was being bullied. Anyway judge for yourself

Sweet Sixteen

It used to be every so often

that i got this way

But now its becoming more frequent

I feel this pain everyday

I'm happy one moment,

Its like i'm feeling on a high

Then i feel so sad, so low

And i just want to die.

Why death becomes more appealing to me

I just do not know

Maybe i think i'll be happier

Free from this freak show

I wish i didn't feel like this

I don't know if i can cope

Whether I'll live to be sweet sixteen

We'll just have to pray and hope

- - - - - -

The next 3 poems were written around the same time. I warn you i wasn't thinking clearly when i wrote them (maybe you can tell). I've never shared them with anyone before. The reason being they were written just after I'd OD, and i think the last one is the nearest thing to a suicide note. They aren't great poems but they do serve as a reminder of the lowest i've been. thankfully i've never felt as bad since then.

Suicdal Tendancies

I don't know what to do

i'm scraed and afraid

Scared i'll do something stupid

Treble the problems made.

My head is spinning

I feel sick in my gut

Wish i'd not f**ked up

Wish i'd kept my mouth shut

Don't know how much longer i'll last

Got to make it through today

I need to know how to make it stop

And make these feelings go away

I've got suicidal tendancies

I'm screwed up in my head

Need to find a way to sort this out

Before i end up dead

-

Make it Stop!

Make it stop!

Take me back to happier days.

Make it stop!

This isn't "just a phase"

Make it stop!

I don't really want to die.

Make it stop!

I'm sick of living this lie.

Make it stop!

Cure this pain.

Make it stop!

Don't let me take my life in vain.

Make it stop!

Help me last a few more years.

Make it stop.

I cry out for help but no-one hears.

-

Sorry

I need to tell you how i feel

Before i do what i have to do

I need to to know that no matter what

I'll always love you

I need to tell you why

Why i'm doing what i am

I need you to know that,

Its not that i don't give a damn

i need to tell you this

I'm sorry for what happens to me

I need you to know that

I never meant for you, to pay the greatest fee

I love and i'm sorry

Please forgive me

- - - - - -

Ok... this was after my hnan had died, well on the year anniversary of that i think. Anyway here's another one

And I Remember...

One year later

And I remember

Six years later

And i remember

Two grandparents gone

And i remember

Illness and suffering

And i remember

Two people loved

And i will never forget.

- - - - - -

Amusing the inspiration for this poem came from the fact i always seem to write poems when i'm down. And yes..i wrote a poem about it.

The Poem

Why do these poems bring me comfort?

Is it beause i am to weak.

Not strong enought o talk about it,

My grief silences me, I cannot speak.

In my times of greatest need, deepest sorrow

I put my pen to paper and write

My emotions flow onto my canvas

In times of darknes, i can see light

Sat alone, i am deep in thought

Yet no-one else, my secrets i can tell

Instead i engrave it to this paper

My own, dark and personal hell.

- - - -

One i wrote not so long ago. (ok so maybe my mind is still a bit screwed up)

Reasons

No real reason for living

No point in me existing

Not knowing my place

Yet hanging on, just in case

Maybe, this wasn't a mistake

Reasons for living

Reasons for dying

Reasons for giving up

Reasons for still trying

Please let me right this wrong,

Please, let me be gone

I no longer wish to be me

Please just let me soul be free.

- - - -

AND FINALLY my only published poem =] It was published in an anthology called "Emotions" and i have a copy of it if you want to see the proof!

Forget, Forgive

Sometimes life moves so fast that it is hard to keep up,

And sometimes we hurt the ones that we love.

We say things we don't mean,

Words that cause hurt and suffering.

then we try to take it back,

To stop the pain, and get "us" back on track.

hoping out loved ones will forget and forgive

Ignore the foolish words we've said but yet,

They don't and they still hurt, but they still love

And that's what keeps us strong, when times gte rough.

FORGET, FORGIVE.

LOVE, LIVE.

And thne alone, and empty shell

We condemn ourselves to hell

- - - -

FEEDBACK WELCOME!!!

xXMessedUpXx

So this is a bit of a merge of previous blogs i have posted elsewhere, but they are relevent to the here and now.

This is kind of going back to something i wrote in my actual diary the other day.

Forgive me.

I'm not happy. It's not like its taken me 21 years to realise this, but i have come to the realisation my life is STILL a mess and i HAVEN'T gotten any better. I've felt depressed, been down since i was what, 11? That's 10 years of my life, nearly HALF my life i've felt this way. And you know something, whats depressing is the fact i'm now an adult and i still haven't gotten better. I'm still not normal.

I have some BIG issues. I need help. But you know why i won't get help? Half the time i fear there's not enough wrong with me, that i'm not f**ked up enough. The rest of the time i feel like i don't deserve help. Or that i'm just beyond it.

I have problems with coping. I can't cope most of the time. that's why i hurt myself. That's why i drink so much on nights out. I drink to forget. Its scary to think the only real time i socialise is where there's alcohol involved-have you ever noticed that? To be brutally honest about myself, if i drank at home too i would probably be an alcoholic.

Since Adam and i split (and this is by no means a reflection on him its just thetime period i'm trying to point out) i have gone back to my old ways. You know whats pissed me off about that? I ALWAYS told myself i would NEVER hurt myself on my right wrist (on the underside) because that's where i wnat a tatoo, if i finally choose a design.

But after telling myself that for 3 years the stuff that happened the other week made me forget that. And now i'm going to have to get it done over the scars. And i'm sorry to talk about this in such detail, i don't know who out of my friends knows about my "history" but right now i don't realy care.

I cling to people. Why? cos i am so terrified of being ALONE. But in doing so i push people away. Cos i've learnt that if i open up to people, they just think i'm a freak and quite rightly so but still, they run a mile. I probably come on too strong. Jesus i see every guy i meet with the intention that maybe something will happen.

Which is insane. Its never going to. And maybe you're thinking this is just some whiney rant about guys etc well f**k you. Cos it runs deeper than that. Right now i feel like an incredibley f**ked up person, and i hate it. I hate me. And i don't know what to do.

I know i go on about it, but 5 years ago, i chose to live. And the gods honest truth is that sometimes i regret that. Sometimes i want to go back. I want to go back and not ask for help. I want to go back and take more. I want to go back and die. And i am so deeply sorry if that's not what you want to hear. But its the truth. These past 5 years i've wondered if i could ever go through with it. And as time is going on i fear i'm closer to finding out. And i am aware that this might come across as a suicide note or some shit but its not intended to be.

Everything is f**king up around me, and it makes me feel like shit. Its scaring me how much little things are pushing me nearer the edge.

I'm writing this cos i need you to understand. And cos i'm asking for your help. I don't know what to do anymore and i'm scared of myself. I'm so stupidly screwed up. I know that. And if you choose not to know me after reading this. Then fine thats you're choice. I just need to know who my real friends are.

FURTHER to this, things are no better now than when i first wrote this (nov). I do feel like i am an incrdibly f**kerd up person. I don't want help. I want you to leave me the f**k alone. NYE, i was going to go out but oh yeah...i have no money or friends. So i see myself staying in. And believe me i will drink (and smoke) myself to death. So by all means if you do find that i am no more come the new year THIS is why.

i'm sorry i really am. i don't know what the hell i am meant to do right now. I just want this to go away. I want to go away. :):D

xXMessedUpXx

...that you thought would never end?"

So it would seem whenever i think my life is getting back on track..something goes wrong. I quit my job so i could concentrate on uni. Since being back at uni i've missed most of my lectures.

I thought i'd met a guy i really liked, who really like me. I went to see him,and we clicked (well i felt like we did). i've not felt that connected with someojne for a long time. But no, stupid me sleeps with him, he then stops speaking to me.

Which then makes me feel like shit, which in turn triggers my depression, which then leads back to me self harming. :( In other words its been a f**ked up week. And i'm pissed off cos i self harmed on my wrist, on the place i was going to get a f**king tattoo if i ever got round to it, now its messed up :(

i need toget a grip otherwise i'm going to lose what control i have left of my life

xXMessedUpXx

Dying To Be....

So basically i had this nice lil idea that what with being bored of purple hair i'd go brown/black but leave a chunk of purple. So i redyed the pinky purple bit, then applies what i thought was dark brown hair dye to the rest of my hair.

Fast forward to an hour later...and low and behold...my hair is GINGER. Yes muggins here didn't realise that "Auburn" was a shade of well..ginger.... :(

So i had a mad panic..i'd used all of the pink/purple hair dye and all i could find was blue and turquoise. So now my hair is a mixture of blue, green and pink!

Fun!

x

xXMessedUpXx

grrrrr i think i'm coming to termns with being single

basically its taken me a few months but i've learnt that men...are twats. especially if you make the stupid mistake of sleeping with them. i forgot that men after you've had sex with them tend to not want to have anyhthing to do with you, which makes things arkward. its my own silly fault but i just keep letting myself get used.

i think i partly went to leeds with some naive fantasy that i'd meet someone. thats not what happened. i just let myself get messed around-again. saturday sucked. one because as i was watching JEW they played 23...which was a song that has meaning for me an my ex. Secondly it was exactly 3 years to the day, that i'd met my ex, at Leeds fest. :(

Christ i know i'm only 20 (tho 21 in a few weeks) but i want to give up. And maybe it wouldnt be such a bad thing. I mean i have my final year of uni ahead of me, so i need to knuckle down and get a decent result...which would be easier without having to split my time between studying and a bf. And then after uni if i got like a job offer somewhere i could just up and leave.

maybe i'm writing off my life too early but my other realisation is that even if i do get into a relationship it will end in two ways. One they''ll dump me and i'll be heartbroken AGAIN, or two we'll end up being together forever-which is a nice concept and eventually i want that-but i'm too young for that right now. so i guess i'm just better off alone.

i don't know. i think i'm just beyond caring now :(

xXMessedUpXx

Ok so i'm currently trying to pass my 2nd year of uni

Its not going very well

Doesn't help that i'm working pretty muhc every night this week, i'm knackereed and my insomnia is getting worse each night.

I spent monday miserable as hell, drinking myself into a pitiful slumber.

B)

I want to look forward to leeds, and be all excited but right now i just can't. Not till i gte this stpid work done. Which means getting up early tomorrow even though i wont get back from work till about 4am.

I'm not amazingly happy right now, and i'm scared that if i feel this way at leeds there will be NO-ONE to look out for me and ensure i don't do anything stupid (trust me, pissed+depressed beki is not a good combination)

In other news, why are men so crap? Why can't they be honest and straightforward. Why can't he just stop messing me around and tell me where i f**king stand? :lol:

So yeah, i'll go back to wallowing in self pity.

beki x

xXMessedUpXx

FINALLY

So a bit of history first, i've wanted it doen since i was 15. I remmeber see this girl i knew called Sarah-Jane and she had her labret done...and i wanted it! Bearing in mind that in 2000/2001 i didn't know anyone else who had it done, but i wasn't allowed it (needed the rents permission) and at the time i had braces so it would have been a pain in the ass. B)

So fast forward to when i was 16/17/18 never got it done during any of that time cos my school/6th form were really strict, and at 18 i was working in Global Video, and you were allowed facial piercings. B)

September 2005-i move to sheff to go to uni, you'd have thought i'd have got it done now? Wrong. My ex, Adam hates piercings, with a passion. I've had 7x ear piercings for ages, and he put up with them but he did give me the ultimatum..get your lip pierced..and you're single, cos i won't find you attractive anymore! Which was nice, maybe i should just have said f**k it, but in hindsight i was in love, and didn't want to lose him :lol:

However we split up a few weeks agao, i went to Download festie (which was awesome btw) and when i came back, and got back to sheff about a week ago, i decided to get it done. It hurt quite abit for like 2 seconds but mon petit choux..s it was worth it. I love it. And i love to get a piercing when it means something, and this piercing means a fresh start, and a happier me.

And here i am:

l_1452005b9a7d277bc2b4c14a1b0a293e.jpg

And here it is:

l_4316e1b850a19e4d274313839500dc6b.jpg

xXMessedUpXx

Well well well...it appears that i have created yet another blog. :lol: I just can't get enough of them, the only problem is that i have a tendency to get bored easily. Ah well....

For all those of you who don't know me (i think only a few do anyway), I'm Beki, i'm 20 and i'm a scummy student from sheffield. B)

So yes.....

Got my Download tickets yesterday...scary to think there's 2 weeks then i'm going to be camping in a field...i'm too skint for it really but meh..thats why i'm working as many shifts as possible right now.

Hmm this isn't really going anywhere..so allow me to leave you with a funny picture .....

Funny Picture of the Day #1

funnysigns_big.jpg

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